I’m
Still left somewhere in last week at the bar in between drinks
When you so casually claimed
“you know I love you”
somewhere between my heart stopping and feeling like it got plunged with a needle full of adrenaline
“you know I don’t ever wanna make you mad I just wanna make you laugh”
my smile felt somewhere between triumphant and pride
ecstatic and overwhelmed
It’s like the smoke cleared out and centered around you
why are you all I see?
how are you all that I see still?
I told you once that you have a power over me and to this day it’s still true.
I can deny it until I’m blue in the face and I have no more air in my lungs- but it’s true
But….. you love me.

I got you
I actually won this prize
I can’t get out of this haze I’ve been in and I can’t stop seeing the way your hands were moving when you told me.
your shy smile. your earnestness in your eyes.
I’ve never fought to be so relevant in someone’s life the way I fight for a spot in yours, the claws that come out when that spot is threatened feel so sharp and steadfast
Like they’d take on any and everything to be near you
And you love me.

It’s a relief and terrifying at one time. cause you can confess a love that makes flowers bloom in my chest but proclaim that love isn’t real in the next breath, so what is it that you’re trying to say? That the love you feel for me isn’t as cemented as mine feels for you? I’ve stifled my love for you, I’ve proclaimed it to you, I’ve held it steady for you, and in my heart it’s only you that holds this love and I’m not scared to give it to you, but the love you’re handing me… I’m petrified and proud to be responsible for it. It’s a heady thing, your love. I don’t want to hurt you.

I am hurt by you.

I am hurt that I cared more about getting to know what lies beneath your skin.
(Than You did)
I am hurt that you made me feel things I haven’t felt since Him.
(Feelings I didn’t know I was capable of again)
I am hurt that you touched the places that others have been too scared to touch.
(The places that I am too scared to open up)
I am hurt that you lead me to believe that you care more about what my body can give to yours.
(Like all the rest do)
I am hurt that I believed your broken promises.
(Excuses, excuses)
I am hurt that I wanted to trust You, and only You with the most valuable thing I could offer.
(The thing that has been shattered time and time again)
I am hurt because I thought I finally found someone who valued me enough.
(Your actions say the opposite)

But I am grateful for you.
Because you showed me exactly what I will no longer tolerate.
That I am capable of connection, vulnerability, and true intimacy.
Things that I thought had died within me years ago.
Things now, that only someone worthy will receive one day.

firestarter and match,
pitching endlessly to become more
smoke, then intense crimson flames,
aglow in my heart.
brick and stone edifices form a
fortress around abodes
leaving habitats adrift
and alone
(I DON'T GIVE A **** ABOUT MY PHONE)
passing and switching faces -- an
entourage that follows but yet
the girl is alone.
alas, fire ablaze, uncontrollable but
sometimes tame
marking the forest trail and
spreading the damage, sprout and then destroy
like a fiery divine being
destruction of the old path and
a clean sweep of the
trees that once seemed so formidable
the flame spreads with a staunch
persistence, to maybe prove that
yeah, the water is weaker
like a conquistador who
pillages countries leaving them
penniless
the flame continues
no concern about the consequence or
destruction, set on being set and
ever aglow, what puts the fierce fire
out anyways?

You don't know what it's like
to be born under late june's sun,
even though it's dark outside
and the moon is shining so bright
it could claim the lion's throne.
You don't know what it's like
to be a Cancer's child,
to hear the lions roar.

but for today,
i am still alive, alive, alive
and i will taste the honey
because it is sweet.

But maybe I misread the moon.
(She never hides things for long).
You never gave me the chance
to understand why you hate me.

But maybe this is Her way of saying:
by having you completely gone
A new path can finally be cleared.