The soft hands
Fingered. Snorted. Kissed.
The mouldy bread on the floor of her car
And let me know when you are back.
I wanted to go outside but
You should’ve come.
Put it in the other room so I can’t see
“I think it should be there”
I know and I don’t.
Just a dress rehearsal
With his voice - not the body.
Just another rehearsal with him
The Math of Time.
It’s a blue-ish, purple-ish thing.
I hate today
And I don’t.
When most people
think of trains,
see the colors
of the painted
cars on their sides—
on the rusty,
I don't think
I could walk so
slowly, but I'd
run to it
like Icarus and
until the cars
were colored red.
What strange graffiti.
But, these thoughts
I was never good
The only running
I can do is
in my mind,
an Olympic race
and a puzzle:
you're texting me
while taking acid,
and you're the one
who asked how
I was doing.
I asked you what
and I'm about to
read the message,
but I'm kind
of scared to see.
and you might
but you've always
The quiet teeth
Your thigh-high pretend
And make up okay
Rooms and cars
Driveways and homes
Highways and phones
"You've never gone this fast"
You and your undressed sigh.
Goodbyes are said while the windows are down
Wind your helmets down
And don't feel bad -
I gave them to you for You
"I'm not coming to you for brakes"
Speed is safe -
When it's sharp and wet.
Your bare feet trust
We have only ever been going in circles.
"Why are you here then?"
I can't sleep.
for so long
i pushed the last morsels of my wounded heart
on my tasteless mouth to chew like a toy.
resignation helped cease the grief
outside the seams of my racked enough brain,
you rummaged through strings and dreams
trying to reach out to me, violently.
of course i kept fretting on the costs of your unwitting love
soon, illness and fatigue crept within me
my heart, careless of iniquities,
had finally embraced its meekly destiny
stored as a dusty shelf memory
but i, tottering on the brink of the grave
stood still, loving you
curiosity was born from isolation,
questioning myself why you keep running
but i cannot scape you;
perhaps the budding silence that exists
between the comely swears of my adoration
and the elated memory of who you once were
keeps my feebly soul attached to mortal expectations,
even when, quite frankly, we both know
the untold truths hidden within this fondness,
but still i hope i'm not as forgettable
as your silence is making me feel.
i hope to forgive myself one day,
when the sea strands collide with the vastness
of the chaotic ocean, to lay calmly,
safely, into the arms of whoever's devotion
they may fall.
for i pray this sadness to cease
but oh, who i am without this pain, my love.
certain i am for i am not yours,
neither am i the only one,
and i do not wish to step away
but neither do i know how to stay.
The cat flap.
The taste of tongue.
“I want you to see me drunk”
Her favourite colour was yellow.
You sound like rain.
I can tell when you are looking at me.
The bird mouth.
Advertise me: I pretend to pretend.
I don't dream.
On a scale of 0 to now -
“Where are you?”
I'll hold you.
The sound of rain does not feel cold.
A fire extinguisher under water.
Probably, nobody does.
“I hope so”
No, you're not.
Blankets and he is asleep.
I forgot what you wanted me to know.
Where they hide the grizzly bears.
As close as I can get.
I would understand you better.
I know, I wouldn't be here if I liked it
My head on a bony shoulder
All joints and points and edges,
I'm only half interested in the way this feels
The mind is even fresher, I can smell what you're thinking
It smells like meat
Like boy, like fire, like chimney, like dirty music, censorship, like man.
Still, as I look up at you
I can only taste the trampoline my heart bounces on
Babe, what is flying when you are a child?
They tell me falling is even worse.
These days, I wear my running shoes when I stand in love
Did you know that, bony shoulder boy?
I suppose you'd never ask.
Too busy paving highways in your mind, silly boy
I've made my way through gravel, still embedded in each hand - see?
A brain with pathways and sidewalks is too glamorous for me
See your arms gloved in tar
See the sweat of knowledge piling pillars
Who can touch you without something sticking?
Tongue to the trampoline type friction
Who can understand you, boy? Highways crossing over like veins
You are all the trains I'm running late for.
I wish I could ask you where you would go
if I was going there with you.
You've made it clear you love travelers
And I've made it clear I love bony shoulders and boys in flames
We are neither of all these things.
Like we are of water but not of rain
I've got my running shoes on, and you've got your mechanics outstretched.
Look down at me again, like you did when I asked you if this was okay.
I picked him up on the highway because he really looked like he needed a ride
he had never really even put out his thumb
But as he climbed up into the cab of my pickup I could tell he was like a man dead inside
No light shining through his eyes as if there was no light down deep inside
I asked him where he was going to he said he didn't care one places the same as another..... all the same to him anymore
so I put the truck in gear and then just after a mile or two
I looked over to see he was asleep and slumped against the door
I lit the same cigarette that I'd been smoking the last three days
Turn the radio on low and set it to the blues to fit my mood
About three hundred miles of highway and suddenly I thought about my luck with strays
And a voice inside my head said " now you're getting a clue "
I tapped him on the shoulder but really just to verify
He never stirred an inch and no waking ruckus did he raise
I wondered as I took the next exit how long after getting in did he die
I found a deputy sheriff sitting a radar trap
And I told him what I had and how it came about
He stepped over to see for himself and I thought now here comes the crap
' But as he turned back and stepped away from the trucks passenger door
He gave me a soulfull look and asked where it was exactly that I had picked him up
Doesn't much matter really every body around knew the score.
" He was down at the bottom, long before any even had a chance to catch his fall!"
"BUT THERE WAS A TIME " the deputy said; as tears began flowing from his eyes," THAT MAN WAS A Tower and walked 10 feet tall"
Then stepping away the deputy saying he needed to call the sheriff and coroner
I imagined a bit of that- probably -would be to wipe eyes and compose himself.
He returned with a cup of coffee for me from a thermos named Big Marlene
He caught the smile I tried to suppress and knew,.
That's my wife's cooler and my daughter ...little Marlene.
She was 7 when she put that on there and said so NOONE would get us mixed up
You won't have no trouble here mister ( I said Dave) Okay Dave" We've all been expecting this for over 4 years now.
At one time he was our doctor and was a great doctor ,but he was one that could not be saved
it was the night the big parade pep rally and football playoffs ..one more game we would clinched division ..everyone was so excited we could taste it
It was them on the way back from our victory over Hayes 10 cars were following honking their horns and making a grand return when that bus flipped..... rolling over and into the river
It was Crazy. I was on duty so when I arrived on scene there was over 20 cars on the bridge parked every which way, lights on lighting the bridge, dozen of people in the river- every where in the the river ....we won the game and division that nite ,but lost everything else to the river
I found Doc Wilson sitting on the bank talking to himself
Didn't know it then but he was not only wet cold and talking to himself ....he was dead .
We didn't know it for some time yet to come but he was already dead ..just as dead as if someone had ...no as if he had put a bullet in his own head.
I don't think that the doc could even imagine what he could ever say to any of us.
And no way to know if he ever heard us as we tried over the years to get thru
We know it wasn't alcohol or drugs or excessive speed
But doc was driving so that was all the things he would need
Simply put it was an act of God and the sudden snap of tie rod ?
That's why I still carry the thermos all this time.
As I sat there listening ,I said all I could by nodding and shaking my head listening to the horrors of that night
When some triggering pain and came over me and I knew I didn't want to hear
What he was getting ready to say
Now days every time I pass that exit ramp on the highway I hear those words
Yeah I lost both my wife and daughter that night ..I was on duty so they rode over on the team bus
A few hours later I was back on the hiway , only headed in the opposite direction
Yeah I was headed home and to my wife
No longer was business all that important to let it be the excuse
So it's possible to put off and avoid participation
I was a total shit to get mad and leave for a week while she gets to worry over it.
The deputy said all people that seem to be content to wallow within their own crap.....
......That just becomes weight
Should remember what doc would say those times when he would and did .
" I am getting so tired of always carrying yesterday with me ...as I go on into tomorrow !". doc Wilson James Hall. Jr.
today, this dull city looked so beautiful surrounded by the foggy march rain. how lovely the smell of freshly cut out grass. i am not known to fancy sunlight but even a night creature would be fond in such a delight. the covers are no longer needed, although i still get caught under them at times. j, on this marvealous day, for once no bitterness lived within me, instead i sat down next to my window-pane to be amazed by uncertainty, i was left wondering if you would find yourself fond in the mesmerizing beauty of all the things we have yet to learn. dear, i hope this day greeted you well, with the sun shining through, for i fear you stay inside and let no light kiss you enough, for i hope you are well even if things may seem to have no way out at times.
written in my closed curtained room
smiling wide for you