Deep within
under the flesh of this vessel
beneath the sinew and muscle
bone and marrow
she stirs.
I can feel her
and I must coax her out with familiarity.
So into the depths I go
d
   o
      w
          n

d
   o
      w
          n

d
   o
      w
          n
to find her
to find myself
oh daughter of smoke and nightmares.

My therapist once told me that-" You are lucky, because you are aware of your problems. You know where you stand and what is troubling you. You also have the ability to explain what Haunted you last night and that is difficult. You also seem aware about what you want out of your life. Your idea of an end result maybe blurred but you are aware of it. "
I sometimes wonder that Most people do not even know what is killing them constantly but they are still living their life. Most people are unaware of their thoughts and what these thoughts mean to them . It takes them their whole life to realise that this is a problem they need to get rid of. It takes them their whole life to understand that this is creating an unhealthy pattern and they are falling prey to it with each passing day.

She also explained that-" The biggest problem you face is walking and acting on the path in between. You mess up in between and lose a sense of the beginning as well as the end. You mess up and panic and lose yourself."
It's so weird that we know that we will have to walk down a road to reach somewhere but our visions are so fainted and blurred that the answers to basic questions are far fetched.
We are often surrounded by several Questions like;
which road to walk upon?
What direction to choose on the road?
Whether to follow the busy road or the road less taken?
What is my destination?
Do I even want to walk right now or just relax and put myself back together?
Do I really want to walk upon this road?
Am I choosing a life I always wanted to live?
Am I ready to accept all the hardships that are coming  my way?
Would I be content and satisfied after giving my all to something?
It's okay to not know the answer of each and every question that comes your way, it's okay to not be able to choose a direction for yourself and decide whether you will be content with it or not.
But it is always important to come in contact with your inner conscience and make yourself aware about you.
It is important to understand your problems and help yourself understand that you are required to eliminate them because they may **** you. Self acceptance is difficult but it is the best gift you give yourself.

I tiptoe across the floor,
I sway side to side.
I like to feel different textures, but some they make me cry.
I'm also a fussy eater, my beans can't touch my egg.
And god help you if you think I'm eating all that veg.
Bath time can be stressful,
I don't like water on my head.
It makes me feel weird and gives me a shear dread.
I know what's coming next,
The comb to my head.
I don't like the prickles, they feel just like the trickles.
The towel may be warm, but it irritates my skin.
The clothes are nice and bright but they just feel too tight.
My socks are never right,
My shoes rub off my skin.
The light flickers and the walls are caving in.
The music is thumping.
My head is pounding.
My mind is racing.
I feel agitated.
Panic has set in.
And my heart it is throbbing.
The humming of the oven,
The wish wash of the machine.
The dripping of the tap,
The whistle of the birds.
The bark of the dogs,
The cries of the baby.
The whispering of the walls.
I need my safe space.
I need to calm down.
I may self soothe as your touch could feel crude.
My emotions are overwhelming.
I can feel all the tears, it's like I'm drowning, so please stay near.
I try to do good, but I get frustrated.
No one sees my struggle, because I don't know how to say it.
I'm like a ticking bomb, ready to unleash thunder.
I scream, I roar, I hit, I kick.
I bite with all my might.
But I am in fright.
It's from the fight or flight.
But I am a gentle being,
Misunderstood it seems.
I might not like my toys,
But you bring me so much joy.
My eyes appear glazed and I may seem like I'm in a daze.
And though I might not say it, I love you in many ways.

Pretty, ugly, smart, stupid, ****, loser, criminal, black, white, perfect, wrong, addict, outcast, normal, and freak.
What does it matter?
We use stereotypes to classify each other,
To separate ourselves into different groups.
I remember when I was young that I was never in dresses, skirts, or nail polish, and I didn't like pink.
I was treated as one of the guys, and that was how I liked it.
Then I got into school, where I was told I was wrong.
I was supposed to wear skirts, I was supposed to love dresses, and I was supposed to like pink.
I became a freak, an outcast because I didn't.
They categorized me,
I became nothing more than a title, as did everyone else who walked through the door.
We live life and whether we like it or not,
When we see someone we mentally sort them and tell them who they are supposed to be.
And heaven forbid they don't fit where they should.
Because if they don't they suddenly, become nothing more than jagged puzzle pieces,
So jagged that they don't fit anywhere and shouldn't be allowed to.
Yet here I am, proud to be jagged, and proud to be wrong,
Proud to stand out.
My mom does more than worship her man,
Is she wrong?
My uncle is a police officer,
Does he brutalize?
My Aunt likes wine,
Is she a drunk?
And I don't like pink,
Am I a freak?
We go through life being told how to live.
Follow the trends,
Have the prettiest friends.
Don't talk about the things that you've battled,
And don't let them see you're rattled.
You need to wear this and eat that,
And did you see her god she's so fat!
Be more like her,
And fall in love with him.
Because if you don't your chances are slim.
If you're not like them you don't matter,
Because we have been stamped with our peers' opinions.
We've been told time and time again to reshape ourselves.
Too bad that our time has passed to change the world,
But have no fear for we still have time to change ourselves.
Be pretty,
Wear pink,
Like this dress,
Follow this sport,
Wear these shoes,
Live here,
Shop there,
And-
But what if I don't want to?
I am who I am and I'm happy this way!
Isn't that enough for you?
No, it can't be, because I don't have the right to be just me.
I don't have the power to decide!
She'll say be taller,
I'll have to.
He'll say be smaller,
I'll have to.
They'll say be quieter,
I will have to.
I will say be louder,
And I can't.
Because I am a freak.
Because I don't like pink.

For the longest time I was on cloud nine. 
I knew it had to be a dream
Nothing that good would ever happen to me. 
But i was to afraid.
To afraid to wake up and feel the bitterness, that I knew would consume me. 
The dream, It felt so real
As if everything would finally be perfect 
As if I would finally be free. 
But now I know that was very wrong of me.
How could a person like I ever feel anything but empty. 
There's emptiness at the very pit of my soul it's what defines me,
It's what binds me,
It's what makes me me. 
You may wonder why I'm telling you this,
honestly I don't know
Maybe it's just in hopes that I'm not crazy. 
That I'm not alone.
One day you might feel like this,
And I just want you to see.
You don't have nobody. 
You have me. 
And I truly do think your amazing.

And as for my dream it completely shattered me.
I thought I finally knew who I was,
Or at least who I was supposed to be.
But it was just a dream.
As badly as I wanted it,
And thought it would complete me.
I was wrong. 
So here I am searching for my new dream. 
Still searching for me.