(inspired by Malia’s poem ‘crack the code’)

the unspoken poems
are the loudest
the ones you don’t utter
the times you don’t bother
symphonies of silence
votes of no confidence
trust marbled with rust
what's become of us?

Another night comes to end replaced by sunrise
Shamefully witnessed through jaded hazel eyes
Morning smiles met with awkward no replies
It seems as if the recreation developed into the demise

nearly five years old
my nephew plays
with a stethoscope
a fully functioning
auscultatory device
not just some toy
of unavailing plastic
and purposeless rubber
lost to his imagination
he holds the chest piece
against my sternum
the diaphragm cold
even through my shirt
making me pull away
momentarily
out of instinct or habit
even though
it is not needed
he sits listening
concentration tight
across his brow
with very real concern
as he informs me
that he can't hear anything
that i must just have
no heart at all

I don’t think it’s fair to ourselves that we humans know we’re fallible, untrustworthy, impulsive, selfish, hormonal creatures
and yet we make huge life decisions over night or in a moment

perhaps based on what you were feeling in those seconds and
not the way you feel tomorrow,
or in six months or even in a few years

how are we supposed to know that’s the right choice?
if we make the wrong one then everyone will tell us how stupid we were for messing it up even though we didn’t know back then how it was going to turn out
how do you trust yourself well enough to know…

knowing full well
the pain it causes
and the knowledge
that it will only
make it worse
i still bite
and pick and pull
at that jagged edge
of my finger nail;
more often than not
the finger is left
bleeding and aches
for so long after

I need permission
To break through this invisible forcefield,
To give you a hug,
And make it not ******.
Yet...
We both know
It not to be true.

those rainy day, gloomy doom moods still hit me,
the adrenaline of chasing a high even if it’s no good still gets me,
I still crave those moments of breaking the barrier and pushing limits,
self sabotage for the fun of it, to be reckless just because we’re here on this planet once,
as far as we know

the Wild in me still has legs that want to run
to feel and taste freedom like I can have whatever I want,
these days she’s just in bed by 8:30 having wild dreams instead