i am both beauty and destruction,
I know how to love but not how to be loved.
i've felt pain in all its forms and yet
i still try my best to put on
a fake smile.
CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?

I'm tired
I'm tired of faking my smiles
pretending to be happy
lying that I'm fine
I'm tired of being a disappointment
Being a mess
Being useless
I'm tired of dealing with toxic people
With a broken family
I'm tired of panic attacks
I'm tired of crying
I'm tired of everything

pity me

i have never felt so lonesome in a crowded room
we all know you didn't come here to see me
pity
pity
pity
is the only reason you glance my way

the girl with the difficult past
sits
alone
what a stereotype

stop pretending you mean it
and that
you
care
what a stereotype

you only want to talk to me
so you can be the one to push back the curtain
and
finally
reveal the wizard

such a shame
that i'm a ******* goddess

'How to apply eye shadow' the title of the video said.  I looked at it with bewilderment, amazed at myself for finally resorting to this.  I was to dress well today. I was to look pretty for people so when they'd look at me,  they'd miss the dark circles that lined my eyes like a clingy lover.
I was to hide all the diprived part of my face from luck of proper supplement with foundation that resembled my skin.
I was to conceal the acne that started appearing a couple of weeks ago with a powder I didn't quite recognize. 
I was to decorate my eyes with eyeliner and mascara, my eyelashes curled way past their normal size, to hide how puffy they were from the night spent in tears.
I was to brush my eyebrows for they'd lose their shape each time I rubbed my eyes to  hold off the pending emotional storm.
I was too put blush on my sleep deprived face so i'd have an illusion of being lively.
Then i'd pick up the bright red lipstick and draw precise lines on my puffy lips,  making them glow with a ferver I never felt.
I would look at myself then, make up hiding every inch of the parts people would see and it would amaze me how even the well done mask could never truely hide the ache that shattered my soul. 
I start to walk out, then stop to look back at myself.
"You forgot something," I say then pick my smile up from the hidden place I keep it and plaster it on my face. 
"There you go."

You never look back

It's the first thing I noticed about you

Your past, your pain, your failures

You never look back

But I always do.
When I walk away, I look back to see if you're watching

You're not

You are focused
You are direct
You are confident in who you are, where you are

You are you

But I am me
Me, who is looking up at you, marveling to see what you will accomplish next
Me, noticing every movement you make, every sound, every hesitation
Me, noticing when your smile isn't real

So I give you mine to use
And it fits you perfectly

You fit into it and my smile becomes yours
And mine is plastic again
The mold I use to create my smiles so I can give them away to those who need them

You, whose movements are fluid as water
You, who is always trying new things
You, who excels

You are an asset to humanity
A unifier
A guide to the light within the darkness

And I watch your work

tears fall
tears fall
drip drop
i want them to
but i can't make them
stop

crying
crying
it's not bad
all it means is i'm a little
sad

hurting
hurting
it's okay
i can't always have everything
my way

dying
dying
i'm alright
i'll never go down
without a fight

laughing
laughing
you should know
my smile is fake
it's just for show

tears fall
tears fall
drip drop
i want them to
but i can't make them
stop