On empty today runs my so called devotion,
even if my emotions are still quite deeper than the ocean.
I guess I was basically chosen
in this moment I was chosen
to be frozen.
Into my very soul
my greatest love has been interwoven.
who knows me better than I do ?
The answer is suppose to be not one.
One slip of the tongue could leave me completely undone.
The insanity of it all has already begun.
I am so ******* spun.
I leave everyone on stun.
I keep on repeating my mistakes like I am a ******* rerun.
I reinforce my rules with my shotgun.
You can not ******* fix me because believe it or not I am not that kind of broken.
My inner beast has already been awoken.
I am waiting on the implosion
that's going to break me wide open.
Everything else from me has been stolen
I guess I will go see what's up with all this commotion I  stepped outside and I went into a convulsions
the fire burned from several white hot explosions.
**** that I had almost forgotten that quite fatal are my ******* emotions

I remember well when I learned that  it doesn't lessen the pain if you allow the tears to fall since then it has been almost 20 years and I now seldomnly do I cry at all.  im a perfect  **** up  that's  perfectly ****** up  and I fall right back into yesterday but I was ****** up then too so it's quite okay.

desperately I am seeking solace and salvation. I need to be released from this Hell of my own creation. I tried to take step back so could assess the situation. I know that I'm seeking life changing transformation although I cannot offer any kind of explanation.

I haven't yet quite forgotten that I am indeed a bad *****.
I don't ******* like it when I have to flip that switch
I pray it all goes off without a ******* hitch.
**** sure don't need to be trapped inside of another ******* glitch.

I was taught better than the way I sometimes react  truthfully in fact
against me all the odds have been stacked II brace myself for the impact. Praying I will come out of this unscathed  integrity intact I
things aren't quite what I am used to but I'll adapt. Even if I almost snapped
when I realized I was being ******* laughed at.  
I no l longer have to live like  that.
I have no reservations about ******* fighting back


The things that once I did actively pursue  now are what gives me chase
Uthey catch up so quickly it's like I am running in place. I am always falling so **** far from this side of that saving grace that i am constantly just trying to save face.

A sinner faithless trapped in a time that is fadeless God he is so gracious even when we have been  side stepping our destined greatness thankful  to still be in his good  graces. With the ghosts  for the heroes I traded I could be trading places

Painted faces
Vacant spaces
Fatal cases
Faded pages
Lost hope
Exhaust smoke
glass bowl
or whole
Flowers grow
powers flow
Hours ago      
Our soul
Family's position
Family decision
Family's addiction
Family tradition

Woefully tragic and that ****** up ****
I don't have to like my past and I don't not even a little ******* bit
Maybe one I'll ******* get over it
Until then I don't even give a ****
To the dome I take every hit
Attempting to get ******* lit
Doubt I'll ever ******* quit
These are the puzzle pieces that just seem to fit
I am not someone that's easy to forget alone in this darkness I intend to sit
at least I am not a ******* hypocrite
nor am I counterfeit
My wrist I have contemplated attempting to slit
when at the end of my very wit

Crazy thoughts run through my mind
of times that I thought I'd left behind
but bound I am by blood to these ties that bind
time isn't something that I can rewind
i travel outside the parameters of my mind searching for something I'll never find

I follow the shadows just as still as they are dark
constantly stabbing myself with jagged bits of my broken heart
So easy it is for me to fall completely apart
It's been that way from the very start

Bombarded by the memories that were not meant to last
as time passes by me so **** fast
A hole in my soul that's so **** vast
a tragic ending I can't seem to ever get passed.

Mindful that words can cut like a knife
why do I insist on living this kind of life

I am living like I am already three fourths dead
all these visions trapped inside of my head
Humanity I don't have a ******* shred
the disease of addiction in so wide spread

Rattling around inside of my skull
my vessel is nothing more than an empty hull
I once was silver now I am tarnished beginning to dull i
n conversation there is now a lull

picked to pieces I chose to idol
I am not stupid nor am I suicidal
my emotions wash over me like waves of tidal
I am my own rival
I am only interested in survival.
Heartbeat is something that is vital
maybe my stories will one day go viral.

Tomorrow isn't promised and today is a day I shouldn't waste
I do so anyway even if I do it in haste
My ghosts for the heroes traded have chased
Like they have challenged me to beat them I raced
The consequences I have faced
these mistakes that have never been erased. This side of goodness never have I graced

Life is like a ******* free throw,
you've got to know,
just when to let **** go.
Cold and barren is my very soul.
I get colder the older I grow.
Looking like a freak show,
that's out of control
I'm impossible to console.
Got up and went has gone my get up and go.
Not my first ******* rodeo.
Yet still I take it slow.
Turn up the radio,
I am afraid so,
don't **** up the status quo.
Rock the boat to and fro
rock and roll in stereo
rock a ******* bowl
the formalities I forego.
I hide away in a shadow
laid low
language as colorful as a rainbow
in the darkness I blindly stroll
so incomplete that I can never be whole please can I have a drumroll
as I tunnel down another rabbit hole
get caught up in the undertow
heave ******* **
the afterglow.
I belong way down below.
What comes next hell I dunno.
Riding ******* solo
take the low blow
even so take the evening slow
do as I ******* say so
travel to the places even angels fear to go gung **
geranimo
enemies start to fall like a Domino.
Although
I have reached a different plateau
bravo.
Hands down I am number one
I cannot be outdone.
I can't stop what's already begun
you will die tired if you try to run
I am ******* spun
I do this **** for fun
I don't need a gun
my baseball bat is set on stun
the games I have won.
Mercy I ******* have none
I'm almost ******* done.
Take it straight to the dome
higher than a drone
better leave my *** alone
bad to the bone
your ******* I will not condone
spinning like a cyclone
my mind is blown
whoever I was once was is long gone another demon's spawn
like a cartoon I've been drawn.
Waiting on the break of dawn
brains over brawn
grass always green when it's someone else's lawn
I am not just another pawn
even up the score
leave them wanting more
who knows what lies in store
rotten to the very core
to the heavens I implore
guts blood and galore
walk right out the door
I don't need you anymore.
I am command
do as I demand
things keep getting out of hand
hand over the contraband
you don't seem to understand
chasing dragons in my ******* Neverland nothing ever goes as I had planned.
Short attention span
now get in the ******* van
we've got a job to do
stop acting as if you are brand new
chased by the things we did once pursue. Don't you have a ******* clue
I trust very few
well really just two
if one isn't me what makes you think the other one is you
out of the clear blue
I see you clearly in my rear view
the situation you did badly misconstrue
on the horizon so blue
come someone no one knew
give the devil his due
let the sharpened blade of steel run through. Another day another dollar or so they say not that it matters not to me anyway
it all sounds so **** cliche
same old ******* **** just on a different day. Is that not always the way
hell to ******* pay
over the game we ******* play
can't keep the demons at bay
we all seem to go so far astray
cigarette burning the window sill joint laying in the ashtray
song list stuck on replay
nothing golden here long enough to stay can't you smell the stench of decay
cover it now with death's most fragrant bouquet.
At least until the spirits fades the **** away I know I am just out trying to get faded seeing through eyes so jaded
attempting to appear somewhat educated. Self medicated
half *** sedated
not enough religion to be loved just enough to be hated
never once have I hesitated
I've just hurried up and then I've waited.
My heroes for ghosts have been traded underestimated
even when I have concentrated
I have made things so much more complicated
the **** I have comtemplated
this **** is over ******* rated
it's all in the mistakes that I have made
even though I'm unafraid
my welcome I have overstayed
the pen mightier than the sharpened blade
a true ******* renegade
on a final escapade
in a shallow grave we'll all be laid
as we have fallen prey
to the ones who will slay us all one day.
I'm silver now tarnished dull and turning grey
not who I portray
myself I betray
life full of discord everything in such disarray
nothing on display
so without further delay
I give it all away
another day has come and gone just that fast
haunted by the memories that never seem to last
bombarded by fragments of the past
hole in my soul so **** vast.
The crowd is amassed
they've all been aghast
everyone is out getting trashed
before my eyes my life has flashed
pitch black when everything crashed
looking for what I had stashed
half *** smashed
perfectly ****** up I'm ****** up all the time
outside the parameters of my own **** mind
time I cannot rewind
bound by blood to these ties that bind searching for something I doubt I will ever find
trying to keep it kind
what does fate have desgined
the stars have aligned
which path have I been assigned
a character I've been wrongly defined.
To **** **** up I am rather inclined
far be it for me to be the one to remind
that the past I can't leave behind
in chalk the bodies have already been outlined.
It's about time for me to ******* go I believe don't be so ******* nieave
it's not that hard to conceive
it's getting harder and harder to breathe
I must take my leave
I was given a reprieve
I have no time left to grieve
into the oceans water the ****** weapon I heave
feels like the world's weight on my shoulders I'm attempting to heft
cant get right I've went so far left.
This case is open and shut
I am stuck in a rut
out in the open like a sitting duck
spitting out the pieces of my broken luck
the definition of disorderly conduct
ready to just ******* erupt.
That much more corrupt
falling from the sky in a manner that is quite abrupt
don't you dare to interrupt
just do precisely as I instruct
if I don't I am ****** if I do I am ******
out in the storm trying to get thunderstruck reeking havoc and running amuck
in this addict's mindset I am stuck
this wall took me years to construct
justice I obstruct
your senses I abduct
I am just about ready now to self Destruct. Free falling from the sky in a tail spin
this may very well be a battle I will never win uncomfortable as I am in my own **** skin air perfumed with the scent of *** and sin notify my next of kin
that I am headed to the ****** bin
for trying to slay the beast with a bobby pin
insanity is doing the same **** over and over again
a foe hell no I am a fiend my friend
this is the beginning of the end
with my inner beast I must contend
even if I do not seem to comprehend
try to defend my world of pretend
really is this the way around the river bend into the crowd I blend
no more broken hearts to mend
further down I decend
time to make amends
ready to say amen
just so it can all begin again
the battle no one will ever win
I leave here not Nessa but Silver her evil twin.

I am pretty **** sure that my very sense of reality has been quite fractured right now I'm feeling like any moment now I'll end up being captured thanks to that ******* stitching little ******* I don't know how I should continue do I  run or just sit here and get ******* plastered just in case you didn't ******* know there's a hole inside of my very ******* soul that nothing and no one ever seem to fill I promise that I am ******* nothing if I'm not at least real very seldomly do I ever show what I feel everything surrounding me feel so **** surreal there is in fact something that is bound up inside of me right now but it's just sort of sitting here being still depending on how bad the break is in my mentality will prove if  my feelings are actually going to end up in a fatality.
for whatever reason it is I just do not ******* know whatever it is that is hurting me I just cannot seem to let it go
well aware that if I do I will completely lose control I'm more than a little bit demented and perverse I have a feeling that before things start to get better they're going to end up getting so much ******* worse I  cannot ******* help it
I feel like I am under some sort of curse even though it feels like I am the only person half *** awake in my part of universe the ghost I got for heroes once traded soon I will disperse   getting rid of them first for my demons drink of my misfortune they quench their thirst any moment now whatever is beginning to savagely build till out of my ******* chest this nefarious monster could soon burst
ever since my mom rocked me in my cradle I've known for sure but I wasn't anywhere close to being ******* stable I do  know that losing my temper while  unstable that my emotions would prove to be fatal not wishing to create just another meaningless label
I am in fact brutally ******* able to live comfortably with all these monsters residing inside of me or will I exist only to be in misery
It becomes quite clear to me that I have pondered such a question so  sincerely
all of this chaos has created a distorted version of who I am meant to ******* I've become  nefariously notorious and outlaw in my minds  eye I'm in need of an ironclad alibi
a collaboration of some story  fabricated and probably an outright lie something way more elaborate simply saying that I was out somewhere getting ******* high higher than a **** kite I am tonight there is no doubt in my head that my eyes just aren't quite right everything fades to black
when the road I'm on turns black I am blinded by the light so blind in  running off the road into to a place I've never seen before lost inside with these words I write
may I say that I end up trying to do my dead level best with all my might there's no one else that appears to be out there that in reality
is still here
I throw myself off  with the end in coming closer as it grows near  bits of my are starting  to just disappear how much more can I really take
How much longer before  ai stop bending and I actually break coughing with everything ******* deep breath I take
Feeling counterfeit like I'm a ******* fake shedding this feeling like shedded skin from a snake
I end up beginning to ******* choke
I'm losing the cause for I've been  completely broke
must be a ******* comedian because my life is a twisted ******* joke I am a hoax a  permanent ghost of some spirit I once attempted to invoke but instead that Spirit ended up being a demon that I did unknowingly provoke half *** woke I went into a dream Just as I thought someone had spoke.  Puff pass I **** who's that bloke in a hood with a scythe trying to act like regular folk.  I guess this could be a never ending night terror a nightmare to which no horror could conceivably compare I am sinking in the depths of my despair
I am just   about gone but gone to where *** and sweat perfume the air the dead don't see they just seemingly stare. Spill my secrets in this darkness I will not dare.
I am going, I'm going, going, gone down another rabbit hole impossible to console taking little comfort in twisting this bowl so incomplete I'll never feel whole. So much colder and more corrupt I become the older I grow.  See you later in the places even my Angels fear to go.

Transport me to a better place
Where tears no longer run down my face
Where the cuts on my wrist, do not bleed
Where my tortured soul can finally be freed

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Comfort me, when everything is going wrong
Hold my hand, for I feel I do not belong
Walk with me as I speak the truth, plain and cold
Listen while i tell secrets that should not be told

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Do not shed a tear, when I speak of abuse
You can not save me, so there is no use
Allow me to grieve in my own way
Let me be silent when I have nothing to say

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Call a man of God to hear my prayer
Promise me that you'll always be there
Hear me confess my every living sin
As I slowly die from the outside in

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Close me inside my coffin tight
So I won't be woke by the morning light
Keep me in your heart and in your memory
Please just let be finally be free

Take me to this place, it's only in my mind
It's the only place, I can leave it all behind

Only
Only in my mind
I can actually leave the past behind
For what I have long since been searching for I finally find this time
Only
Only in my mind
I don't feel the need for time to rewind.
There are no memories here ready to remind. By blood I have already bound to all the ties that did bind.
Only
Only in my mind
Could this fantasy world have ever been designed. To this parallel universe I must find a way to get reassigned.
Only
If only
Only in my mind

I fight with god and whoever
Keeps spitting truths at me like peanut shells
**** the doctors
And **** the first time my dad decided to drink
And especially **** the last time I decided to drink.

He did this to himself and I love him
And I’ll pay for his mistakes
But my pockets are empty

I eat **** sandwiches with stoicism
I praise the autocracy of the medical field
That told me dad is dying
And I should too.

Miracles don’t happen to people like me
And families like ours
In towns like this.

I’m dying with you
Stage 4
I’m dying with you.

I’ve got nothing to lose
Until I found I had more.

**** your age and **** my youth
**** Medicaid
And **** the truth.