Twists and turns
Learning to check my speed along each curve
So much about myself I come to find is -
actually another thing.

The little neurons , moving about
so hyperactively
that it drives me into half a day of rest

or otherwise

What have I done those moments I have impacted them
whether by a blow from the fist or the nostrils

So much has changed
no longer do I indulge in the dangers of drugs
only the safe ones that help my physical pain

Slowly learning- but not before I'm ruined , to keep my hands off myself
As not to damage what sanity I have left .

Which fortunately, Is more than I could have based on the past decade
but unfortunately, some pieces of this puzzle of a young woman are missing-

That is okay, I guess the colors in between and I scribble underneath

I play a guessing game until my loved ones remind me of the truth
When they know it

Will I Always be searching for the corners to complete it?
I really don't care much for whole complete pictures anyways
Always folding photos to hide the faces of those who wronged me, crumbling unfinished pieces of art before wondering what I could add, only to replace it with another one .

Guess it doesn't matter- though when I dig through old memories, there are some things I find that surprise me.

How much we change year to year, throughout a lifetime as people? Is it more or less person to person based on our experience?

I break down into a heartbeat
through a whipped cream canister;
God’s feet whomp at the Pearly Gates.

Incapable of sin, I’m unable to think.
Love jitters through every pore
of my skin & laughter drools

out. In an out-of-body only
Malcolm In The Middle exists
when Dewey asks, “is your
brain big enough to get

your feelings hurt? Me
neither”. My life replicates
art, choking out brain cells,

and I no longer have to know
what my heart feels. My brain
is too small for that.

mother spills lies from her wine stained lips; the ones that I used to kiss goodnight.
"I love you," she says, but she'll do it again.
she'll shatter my heart and walk upon the broken glass, ****** feet and wondering where she had deceived me; but she's only deceived herself by shooting up another time.
going to drug deals at only age five, I grew up too fast and there's a world of chaos inside my mind.
the pain lashes out on me like I've been hit on the skin with a rubber band.
my toes sink in the sand and I stare into the ocean of the disease, she's drowning in the water but she knows how to swim.

Come on and dance with me
It’s easy if you try
Come on and dance with me
Follow my lead and glide

Slip in the mud
Racing through your blood
You’re as good as gone
Drifting away with eyes half-shut

Come on and dance with me
It’s easy if you try
Come on and dance with me
You’re stepping out of time

It’s a living Hell
Cold sweats, puke, and pain
Your skin goes blue
When you drink the blackened rain

Do you want to dance with me?
It’s easy if you try
Come on and dance with me
As we fall down from the sky

Oh, come on and dance with me
It’s easy if you try
Come on now, dance with me
And I’ll shiver down your spine

The warmth is gone
The rush is fleeting away
You’ve nodded off
For the last time

You’ve come here to dance with me
So give me your best try
You've tread upon my dancing shoes
It’s now your time to die

Come on and dance with me
It’s easy if you try
Now, tell me 'bout your dance with death
Was it worth the high?

Come on and dance with me--

And as you fill my senses with the empty sweet numbness, I think I'm ready to stay with you. My heart beats slowly and eyes lower like a well behaved child in the church pew and my head tilts towards the ***** ground it feels like home but I know it's prison. Like a pure white dress that fits just right, but maybe too tight. The powder white lace choking my neck as I reluctantly walk down the aisle to my imminent demise. I thought I was ready to stay with you forever. To keep you close in my pocket, to consume your little moments of paradise. Till death do us part. Till you suffocate me, leaving me to die. Marrying my abuser, inhaling you through my nose, clogging my emotions. Blocking my thoughts. As the priest tells us to say our "I do's" I look towards the sky and like a runaway bride I demand my freedom. Crawling through the church door. Leaving your sweet gritty taste in my throat behind. And leaving with you my chains you lovingly wrapped around, demanding I stay. But I will always remember you. Always, as something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that has left me blue.

Lithium, light they write,
Like it’s right, white delight
Striking bright, better tight:
Fine and dandy.

Glamourised in our eyes
The surprise as you rise
****** heroised,
Bitter candy.

Pump the ***, dump the dot
******* it hot, spatter spot
Sing a lot, dream but not
Craving luncheon.

Skagging sweet sweaty meat
Blisters well under heat
Take a seat, come compete,
Beating truncheon.

Vie d’artiste, or at least
Rising yeast, bubbling beast
Trickling triste down your cheeks,
Ever daring.

Rising up, sup the cup,
Acid drop, fizzle pop,
Shoobie-doo-doobie-***,
Death to caring.

You were like the purest of rainbows shooting through my veins.
You were better than any pills, ****** or *******.
No drug around, made me feel the same,
helped me forget,
the way you called my name.

And i would have done anything for just one more fix,
a touch, a hit, the taste of those lips.
But reality it slips and skips,
and misses,
and slowly but surely,
I recovered without those kisses.