The birds sing for me,

yes, they like me, and the hemp --


seeds next to my chair.

Time will come
Time will go
There will be a time
You won't know which way to go.
You'll wonder if there's a way up
You'll wonder if there's a way out
At times, you'll be overwhelmed
And find your head filled with doubts.
"Am I enough?"
"Do I look good?"
"Am I worthy of love?"
"Am I misunderstood?"
But if there's one thing
We have in common,
It's that we all have time.
So, don't worry. Take your time,
and it will all turn out fine

Don't worry about trying to change the world
by yourself; that's a job for all of us.
If you want to change something,
try changing your world first.
And even if it seems small, celebrate it. Because any change you can make
is often the biggest change of all.

I want you to know something.
It's okay to ask for help.
It's not embarrassing; it's brave
To admit you don't know something
And want to change.
I ask that you don't worry
That people will think less of you
If you do. You're trying to learn.
And that's something you should
Never apologize for

Don't worry about where
you'll go in life
or how much you do.
You don't need that much pressure.
You're barely 22!
But if you are, it's okay.
Because I know you'll go far.
The key is to go with the flow
for as long as you can.
But some day you'll fall.
In more ways than one.
But you'll always get up
Because there's more work to be done.
But just because there's more work
Doesn't mean there has to be any less fun.
Sometimes, though, it may be hard to find.
Some days, all you'll want to do is run.
You won't care where.
You'll just want to go away.
But away is a scary place.
A place with no rules.
Of course, that's why some people stay.
Whatever you decide,
it's your decision to make.
And don't be embarrassed
when you make a mistake.
Because you don't know what you don't know.
And at first, you won't know a lot.
But you'll get there.
At least, I think you have a good shot. 😉

It's not about the bad times.
It's not about the good times.
It's about all the times.
The heartache and the pain.
The kisses in the rain.
There's so much for you to gain
If you don't worry
About your heart getting stained

Anyone can write poetry.
I say that because anyone
can tell a story.
Don't worry if you can't rhyme.
Most poetry doesn't. I just prefer to.
It helps with the flow
and keeping time.
Don't knock it until you try.
If you do, I think you'll find
It can ease your mind.

Recently, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years.  

There are more times of me feeling hollow, empty than of me being happy.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Nor do I even know how to fill that hole.  

People say that it’ll get better.  
                            What will? When? Why did it happen?

People say that things will change.
                            For better?  No. You don’t know that.

Often, I look out the window and imagine an alternate world.  Some place where I would be smarter.  Prettier.  Liked more.  Better.  

That wish might overlap with some people.

Being a Marvel fan, I always wanted to have Spider-Man powers.  And maybe a piece or fragment of Tony Stark’s intelligence and creativity.  

Creativity that I had lost over the years.  Intelligence that I never had to begin with.  Powers or abilities to make me proud of who I am.  Now I have none of those and the only thing that is left of me is the empty shell and the mask that I wear to hide.. me.

-

I’m not proud of myself.  Nor are my parents.  Not even my friends.  If they were to know who I was.  I hide behind smiles and jokes.  I use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.  

No, my parents aren’t divorced.  No, I’m not disabled.  
Yes, I attend a fairly good school.  Yes, I have good people around me.  

Despite all the good things I have, I can’t stop feeling. Useless. Worthless. Not enough.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything.  I feel like the part of me that wants everything to end is taking over me day by day.  I sometimes want to jump out of the window but I fear pain.  I’m weak.  I want to buy pills and swallow the whole bottle but I don’t know what pills to buy.  It’s hard to get ahold on them here in Japan.  Should I burn everything I own before I die?  Or disappear after selling everything?  

I feel the need to do so so that my parents don’t have anything to look back on.  So they wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed about having me as a daughter.  I cry often now.  My father tells me that I did this to myself.  Bad grades.  Bad friendships.  No motivation.  I’ve disappointed many people in my life.  I cry feeling sorry for myself even though I have dug my own grave.  

I somehow never seem to learn.  I think there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve been telling my parents there’s something wrong with me but they just tell me I’m making up things.  Excusing myself from the reality that I am a disappointment.  That I messed up.  That I am dumb.  Useless.  I will never amount to anything.  I am hollow.  I am but a shadow of everyone else that used to be friends with me.  

I am not writing this for hope that I will change.  I just feel the need to put this out there.  Not for help.  I don’t seek help anymore.  Nothing will ever change.  

Some say, “Not with that attitude” but I’m tired of hearing those words.  I’ve already made and broken so many promises that I am not worthy of change.  Or a miracle.  I sometimes wish that whenever I go out to buy groceries, a car or truck will hit me.  I wish for an accident to happen so that I will die.  Or that something drastic would happen to me so that I will be away from everything.  Possibly in a hospital bed.  Possibly dying on the side of the road.  Possibly giving me a disability so that I could finally have an excuse of being who I am.  

I’ve imagined people at my funeral.  Not many will be there.  And even those who attend, will have never known the real me.  My true feelings.  About my friends, parents, education—everything and anything.  

I am writing this because I can’t tell anyone about this.  I understand that it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t worry about posting comments on this.  I will be glad that it has been read.  Although it was long.  I don’t know who you are or what you have been through.  I apologize for taking up your time.  

I don’t know what I am.  Who I am.  What I will be in the future.  I know nothing.

The wind howls louder
than a wolf to the moon.
But don't worry.
Spring is coming soon
and will stay until June.