I have to throw up walls...
I have to refuse...
I wish I didn't have to,
But that's not possible;
At least not with you.

I love you and I've learned.
I can't give you everything.
Or you would just use me up.
The frustrating part?
You're unaware. Or your not listening.
It's the same either way.
It's for my own good
And yours too

Your reaction confirms I'm doing the right thing
Or you'd never respect my answer
(not that you really do now)
but I respect myself enough to say it.

I've been too lenient with you.
A realization that comes too late.
Like a mother and her child
Realizing her mistake during the tantrum.
The realization comes with the knowledge that you present understanding until met with opposition.
Contradictory texts and I now realize, painfully, you knew it was a big ask

....you just weren't expecting me to say no....

You don't respect my time. That much is clear. I just wish I realized it sooner.

Forgiveness, to forgive                    (for me)
Is essentially subtle- to a fault,
Beautifully it's practiced,
Yet inherently mistaught:
To ask of anything more
From the person you've done wrong
Is blatantly selfish, at its core
Pressuring them along.

Unless exactly, specific and honestly, you reiterate once more.
All the reasons which you petition forgiveness
And what you're sorry for:


To draw conclusions, assumptions and things, without the facts in place-
Was to right out start off in
an Unreasonable head space.
Furthermore, my tone of voice
And the disrespect it achieved
Is not what you- Alena, not at all
From me; should've ever recieved.

Lastly, explicitly I have to say;
I'm sorry for my aggressive words.
And the fact I reacted that way is
absurd
A retort- as a minuet or two, voice note
Deserved the block- and what you wrote.

I'm sorry about this- discrepancy
I actually enjoyed you working with me.
I'll leave this here for you to find, &
Hope these words were worth your time.
When you read, know these are sincere; my apologies- true.
Not just mere pretty, fluffy words for you.

Poetry's something I, almost know, you appreciate~ so heres an apologistic-free vers hyphenate.

Considers protest at disrespect,
To be the sigil
Of a *****.
In reality
He who chokes down ****
And smiles through it,
Is in actuality.
But what is it,
To remit?

Disrespect isn’t a language I speak anymore
But it’s the language we used to adore
Only with you was I able to miscommunicate
Only with you were my opinions misconstrued

Disrespect isn’t a language I speak anymore
My memory of it is rusty
I can barely remember the grammar
It was intricate and had a specific structure
My boundaries were always compromised
After every time I’d let you lie

Disrespect isn’t a language I speak anymore
My tongue can barely roll the r’s
My voice can no longer shout the insults
And my mind has forgotten how to manipulate as a result

Disrespect isn’t a language I speak anymore
So, when we saw each other unexpectedly
When used one of its idioms  
I could no longer recognize it
I no longer am fluent in it

My crybaby tears disappeared and my river of feelings froze over
You can’t ever really feel my pain but you can admire the icy crystals that lay over
The waters in which my mind swims in
Underneath my icy wall is a castle with abundant life
Creatures that would inflict terror at night
Kissing my cheek and protecting my life

Feeling insecure?
That’s no reason to gossip about the others and be rude
Feeling two-faced?
That’s no reason to blame others and be rude
Have no self-respect?
That’s no reason to disrespect others and be rude
Have crippling self-doubt?
That’s no reason to doubt others and be rude

Rude to yourself?
That’s no reason to be rude to the others

You tried to disrespect
                   my mother..
saying she was easier
                  than a ****** on ****.

But you never knew your father,
was he the neighbour,
                       the homeless guy..

Na he was my older brother,
cos your mother had an open
                         all hours policy..

And you father was in his place,
behind bars, fifteen years

of being the ***** with shirt *******,
                           crop top of a  *****...

Your no brother, not a half or a quarter.

Your a spillage of happy hour
                             but your life

        is nothing more than time.

I got more respect just for breathing,
you haven't even got breath


cos your unqualified to live,
                     let alone breath.

You may be family, but you should
               have been aborted

as your still a clot



                                 on the floor of life.

Talk about my mother, and you'll
be found at the bottom of a stairwell,

unfortunate accidental demise,
               I can lift twice

                               my body weight.

Please know , I didn’t leave because i wanted to. I let go because you left me no other choice. I’m never the type to give up so easily & drop you. I’m the type to give you chance after chance even if you’ve done me wrong. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you however toxic you may be, even if it’s hurting me, breaking me, only because I don’t want to be remembered as the person who hurt you. As the person who “left.” I’m not the type to give up on people or let them go, but if ever I decide to, please understand it took all the air in me, all the energy in me, all the strength & courage to do so. I don’t give up easily. I don’t let go easily, but if you give me a million small reasons to walk away, I’ll walk away after my cup of chances runs out, knowing i gave you my all & i tried my best. Not giving me a good reason to stay, is a good enough reason for me to leave. So i hope one day you realize how much i truly did care for you. I promise you’ll miss me being there, putting up with your **** & refusing to give up on you. You’ll regret everything you’ve ever done to hurt me. Including all the damage you’ve caused.   One thing will always remain true, i loved you , cared for you, respected you when all i got was pain. That’s a scar that will always stay.


-Nani