I don't quite know how to start off this letter, as I don't really know how to start to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to somebody you've loved your whole life? How do you say words you never thought you'd have to say?
Never in a million years did I think that this is how you would go, that this is how you would be taken from us. If you had caught me back when I was 15 and asked if I thought that my beloved aunt who had devoted her life and soul to the lord would be fighting cancer, I'd tell you it could never happen.
But, I learned very quickly that cancer does not discriminate. Cancer will take whomever it chooses, despite the amount of prayers, love, and hope we send out into the abyss.
I still remember the day I found out. The night before, everyone was gathering at grams for an extremely rare occasion - a visit from you. It was exciting and terrifying when I heard the news that you were coming down from the Monastery and staying the weekend, as typically Nuns are not allowed to leave the Monastery for any general reason, let alone for leisure. At the time you were coming down my cousin and I were not speaking, though I can barely remember why now. That night while I was working and you spent your first night home with your parents in very many years, I received a text from my cousin that read "Hey, when you talk to Aunt Sally tomorrow, text me. I know we're not on the best of terms but just text me, okay?" So then the worry became more prominent and it seemed as though I was being terrorized that night as I dreamed. The next day I went to my grams, and soon enough the world was crumbling around me. I was not prepared in the slightest to hear what I was about to hear, for nothing in this world can prepare you for the news that cancer has riddled it's way into your loved one. No one and nothing can prepare you for the news that the cancer isn't just at its beginning stages, but that its just nearing its end. That, from the moment the cancer formed in your body until the moment you noticed an abnormality and went for a doctor's visit, you had not even the slightest clue that cancer was taking over your body. I thank the Lord that your disease was, for the majority of the time before this past year and some, painless. I thank the Lord that we were lucky enough to have so much more time with you than what was originally thought. I thank the Lord for the many blessings already bestowed upon my family; for my amazing nephew and niece, for the wonderfully supportive family we are, and so much more.
But now, with each and every passing day, I wake up knowing full well that the time span of two weeks to two months left for you is only a number, that this means nothing. The Lord will take you when he pleases, and no amount of prayers to Him, to Mary, to Joseph, to the Seven Martyrs, or to any Saint, will change the Lord's mind.
The seeker seeks for a treasure,
When he finds it, he lays his life to get it.
Though there are several thousand treasures all around him,
He yearns for one.
His body and soul are bound to its way,
Making not him seek the treasure, but it seeking him.
There was a time when you could make me fall right back to highschool.
The days of virginity and innocence.
Years between our encounters and you'd always be just beneath my breath.
So juvenile and oblivious to all the ways you'd disappoint.
So attached and forgiving.
I found myself at the end of your plank too many times.
Cannonball at my ankles.
Looking down your blade with the point in my neck.
I'll see you again soon...
I always used to feel.
But now I can't conjure the same devotion.
The image of you has finally muddied and spoiled.
I noticed this transition and felt the change somewhere along the way.
Affirmation that I don't need always live on that plank with my heels hanging off.
The Raven she speaks with a proud cry
Among the bluebird and the butterfly
Saying words whose life I knew
Near open doors and gallant bleu.
Giving life to lovers true
Beyond say the tomb, gave life anew.
Fleeting moments too few to savor
Mending hearts two bruised to hear.
Find my name unspoken trust
Near the ore, untempted lust.
Bring to have, hearts amend
Sacred love of thine, Dear Devoted Friend.
April 26, 2004
You are a solider,
The war of my life is at a cease,
Its the stillest moment I've ever lived,
Because you are my solider,
You are a protector,
The wreck of others is trashed,
You know the right words to say,
Fixed my heart when it's mashed,
For that I adore you,
You absorb the bad,
Dispense the good,
You are knocked down,
You get back up and walk,
You are hurt,
You are pain,
You are love,
You are joy,
You're my Aegis,
Many try to mock,
Many try to ruin,
Many tried to fix,
God walks in your walk,
God shines in your smile,
God moves in your spirit,
God talks through your voice,
If you want to see the beauty,
I'd advise you to look closer,
It's not what you think it is,
It's what I see, I'm a boaster,
I am proud,
I have pride,
I have the greatest mother Alive,
And I just want the world to know you're beautiful,
Seek and you shall find,
It's not in the weight,
Or the size of your behind,
You'll find it in the bathroom,
On an item that reflects,
My Aegis look in the mirror,
And tell me what you see,
When you see yourself,
Smile and let your light gleam !
Is it a twist
That you're looking for?
The graveyard floor.
As you say one thing
But do another.
Being a foe
Instead of a brother.
You know what's real
Yet you hunt for lies.
You see the truth
But then close your eyes.
So don't try to tell me
That you don't believe
Or that you're afraid of a loss
You know you won't grieve.
Look at me now
Look at my face.
See the love
You can never erase.
For I will love you
In sickness and in health.
And follow you eternally
Through hardship and through wealth.
Once upon a time there lived a child
This child had a name, william as his mother has it written
Well this child, much like the winds of the arabian desert, was alone, in a vast land, drifting his way through life, without purpose, and at every corner, there was always someone there, who didnt care about him, who taunted and teased him as though he was a goldfish stuck in a tank, well this child, william, began to lose hope in the end, he turned to bad people who influenced him to do bad things and learn bad skills, william, naive as he was, thought that those people loved him, he was wrong, in only the short span of a year william grew from a lonely boy, to a bad man, at least thats how he saw himself, until one day...this boy drifted around the corner once more with a look of greed in his eyes and saw a beautiful angel, he teased the angel as he saw fit to do by denying her chance to kiss him, pulling away at the last second and making out her romantics to be nothing more than a teenage lust brought on by simple hormones and such of that nature, but...little did he know...this girl had suffered a similar fate at youth as one he had been accustomed to, and she looked at him with unwandering eyes and a sympathy that the boy had never seen before in his life, she showed him kindness that he had never experianced from anybody in his whole life, she, this beautiful angel, with the same hardships and characteristics as he, proposed ice cream, roller skating, simple,fun things, that made him feel like a child...she looked at him and what she saw was not a bad person in disguise trying to rip apart the world one broken heart at a time, she saw a young child blossoming into a young man right before her very eyes, and she kissed him, and he kissed her...fireworks, a match made in heaven, the boy had never felt love as great as the love he expressed in her company...and he lost the bad guy that was a parasite on his life...and that caused trouble...when he tryed to break up with a girlfriend...a couple actually...there was no truly bad man left in him to break the hearts of 2 young ladys that were a blotch on his perfect white shirt of a life...and even through this difficult task...even through the lies that this young individual weaved, the betrayal, the immence regret...she, the beautiful angel, although heartbroken, stuck by his side, helped him to end it with 2 ladies he didnt have the heart to be rid of, and she held him in her arms, and they cried together, and they loved together...and all of that passed nearly from their memory...but he could never forget, and he will be making it up to her with his eternal love forever, but not because he feels obligated, but because he loves her and he always will, and now that she is going through something in her life, that he cannot help with, he can do nothing but feel helpless...and continue loving her, no matter what
Because she is the only one who has ever loved him for who he really is...for the man he was born as, and so that cuncludes this story, i cant say they lived happily ever after, because honestly, i dont know that they did or that they will, all i know is...he is going to try...i am...going to get her back...because she is the only girl who has ever or will ever understand me and truely love me
No, I don't want a kiss.
I don't want to be attached to you all of the time.
You knew what you were getting into.
Or did you think you were special,
Because you are.
But that doesn't change my nature.
You see me as a belonging to be doted.
I see you as a pest,
But your devoted.