if I keep moving I’ll forget
it started as a stroll through my memories
the complete collection of our friendship
our moments recorded transmitted at night

If I keep moving I’ll  forget
It was then a slow jog, a steady projection forward through repeated images of us
a job through our conversations and with equal speed my replies to your salvations

If I keep moving I’ll forget
I’m running now and out of breath
Escaping these meadows is harder than I thought

My leisurely pace through your actions has confused me
The trees seem like strangers trying to touch me
The grass blades pass like a covered memory

I’m on a train seven hundred miles an hour
The sun sets behind me and yet I’m strolling through your music

I need to keep moving to forget you because you never even remembered me

Dear you, I know you hate the way clothes fit
but you run around calling out confidence, you hypocrite.
Stop covering your face with hair
people just don't care.

Dear you, I know you count the numbers and your days
praying you'd be lighter
so small you might float away.

Dear you, I know in the mirror you're not gentle
hurling abuse at the person in the reflection
are you hoping through rejection she'll change?
Even when you don't say the words they linger in your throat
waiting to -

Dear you, hating yourself is easy
you're full of questions and hate
'put down the plate'
hating yourself is getting into bed in darkness and listening to raindrops

Dear me, please stop.
You're tired of fighting everyone and then yourself
You're tired of catching your reflection looking at you for some validation
i'm yearning for love and i'm tired of starvation

Dear you, you will get out of bed and open the blinds,
you will make it better
I'm sorry for all i've put you through

Dear you, step-by-step unacounted for, I will look after you.

I will not forget

You called me beautiful and I think about it every night
Twisting and turning in my sheets
I fell in love with you slowly then all at once
You called me smart and stupid and you blushed
I fell in love with you so easily

I will not forget when you lay in my bed till 5 am
I wanted you
you talked the night away eating chips
Wishing I didn’t have to leave you
It felt for real
You said you were glad you met me
I wanted to say so much more

I will not forget when your eyes lingered over my lips
I should have told you
I fell in love with you long before
and now I’ve left but darling I will not forget

I’m in the pool dancing and then I’m not
My mind is far and my body is static
I stand there but where?
I’m so lost but I haven’t moved

I’m at the bar talking and then I’m not
My mind is travelling and my body is marble
the words stop coming because I’m not here
But where am I?

I’m reading, devouring the chapter and then I’m Not
My eyes glitter over and my body remains

I travelled away but I don’t know where
Any empty true nothing
The world moved and progressed
The people around me walked and talked
But I stood there fixed
Thinking of nothing
Going anti clock wise in a wave of progression

I’m disassociating again. I don’t know why I don’t know where
And all I seem to do is glare
maybe into the nothingness , maybe into the past

I’m writing rhymes in my pad and then I’m not
the pen and the lines evanesce
I’d like to come back.

could it be?

it’s been almost a year since I opened that door
the bolted, scared and chained door that boxes my heart
he carelessly lied all over it
he let it whither by refusing to whisper back to it

could it be you creaked it open in a year
i didn’t know what you’d do
could it be I feel something for you
do you do too?

these smirks and glances
could I play my chances?
your affection and care seem more
or am I so empty i pray they are
am I so deprived of feelings since being a ***** that your kindness is mistaken for more

could it be you want more than what we have?
because I sure do
When you left her, I knew it before you told me
my stomach dropped and ached
swirling like Poseidon’s pools, trapping victims in its gushes
I thought, I hoped it was for me
but you must still love her

I think about you, about us, about words left unsaid in our lingering goodbye
when you called me your best friend - you paused- you looked into my eyes and opened your lips- why didn’t you just say it
why didn’t you tell me more
instead I defend our friendship
I’ll make you a dozen playlists darling if it helps you feel lighter

could it be you feel something more for me?
because I’m afraid to say it out loud
but I may have fallen in love with you

I use men over and over again
and they don't mind
I'm humane and kind
I don't cross boundaries
I'm just a guest
we both know it and it's already been addressed.

When he undressed me he didn't ask about my father.
When he kissed me he didn't press into my heart
because that place is very ****** dark.

I use men over and over again
to feel something
to have fun
it doesn't really matter,
because we're all agreed, this is something we both need.

But you pushed and shoved, smashed and cannonballed my wall,
I didn't want you to ask or see behind my mask,
And even though I fought this fight with laughter against your shooting questions,
you pushed and shoved against my door to find out more.

You were sweet I must admit, romantic and gentle,
but there is a reason everything is compartmental.

because when you left the next day you didn't stop to check the doorway,
where you carelessly left behind my open heart and eyes.
I didn't want to share my insides because as you walked away you didn't check to see what damage you had done.
Asking questions you didn't want the answers to.

I use men but I don't ask more than I'm ready to receive,
and they agree I'm not trying to deceive,
but you blew the doors of pandoras box and left me with the mess
that I now have to try and repress

hospitals remind me of you
the frail, the weak, the fed up
It’s been a year and I still think about you
It’s been a year and my chest still feels heavy
I tried my best to be happy and I still do every day but the thoughts of you rush to the front
My mind traces the memory of you in the bed
The beeping of the oxygen tanks
Your muddled voice
Your surprisingly warm hand but pink nose

the lump in my throat is supposed to go away, when will it leave me just like you did?

It’s been a year and I still find myself crying in bed, in the dark and busy bars, on busses and long walks
I want to hear your voice and stupid comments about greek politics

I know you’re resting in peace
I whisper quietly every night to you in the stars
but I still miss you
tell me how do I learn to rest in peace too, knowing you’re gone?

I’m over loving you

I know I’m over loving you because when I look at the space in my bed
It isn’t your outline
I know because I smile more often everyday
I know because I wanted him to hold my hand even though he wasn’t you
I do think about you in the strangest times, on planes, on trains and in coffee shops but as a passing memory
A traveller exploring a city but never experiencing its true delights
I know because I have grown up and I realise loving you was toxic

When I catch myself adoring you again, on your pedestal
I pause and wish you well
I know I’m over loving you because I want the best for you now, and I know now, that isn’t me

If you want to feel come out with me
just for the company
I promise I don’t always bite back and fight. The raging fire is subsided she is neutral, for now.
Is this happiness?
I’d like to hold your hand against mine
Feel the creases and the patterns of your skin, even just for the night.

If you want to feel come out with me, I know it’s far too soon to say I like you but the way you make me feel
I’d like to hold your hand against mine
The last thing I want is to confuse you darling but it’s far too soon to say can’t we just hold hands
Do I cross your mind as much as you run around mine?  

When we kiss I can’t stop laughing
Is this happiness?
I’ve been lost for a while, I may still be lost but I think I’d like to hold your hand just for a little while.

Forty days have passed and I still think about you every night
As I lay down in my bed
As I lay down with my thoughts

Forty days have passed and I don’t wear black everyday
But I feel that shade inside
Plain and simple
Dark and lonely
There’s nothing I can do to change it
You’re gone and that’s permanent
The finality is jarring

Forty days have passed but every night I close my eyes and see them throw dirt over you
My heart sinks and lowers down my rib cage echoing your coffin
I know that wasn’t you, you left us already by then
Yet why does my mind keep returning to that scene

Forty days have passed but Cyprus doesn’t feel quite like home anymore
Neither does London.

Forty days have passed and I keep finding my eyes stinging and breath escaping
I don’t know what to do, I don’t think any of the family know what to do now you’re gone
I suppose just carry on

Forty days have passed and my black clothes mean nothing to these people or my friends but you know and so do I

Every night I look at those constellations you pointed with one hand and the other holding your cigarette
When I see the stars shine
It’s your sign
Six months have passed and I know you’re here but I can’t bring myself to take off this black just yet