the call of mountains
in my mind i perceive them
so much a coward

i wish i had known how to hold on
to good things while they lasted
and appreciate them for what they were

but alas, i am a coward
a selfish coward who never learned
that the weight of my words

was just as painful as the blow of a fist
and the spark in your eyes
were drowned out by the fires in my mind

my insecurities and paranoia
drove even the kindest away
this was why the good never stayed with me

                         shakespeare spoke the truth
                         the fault had never been in the stars
                         but in my own self

(Sometimes) I hate you,
But the neediest parts of me still crave
the vague admiration you hid between pages of manipulation and abuse.

I tell myself that I’ve moved on.
I ignore the cold sweats and screams that interrupt my dreams.
I push the thought of you to the bottom left corner of my mind,
Stored with other trauma, like family dinners and math homework.

It takes all the strength left in me
Not to set your castle of comfort ablaze
With the months of lies and exploitation.
How easily I could send it all tumbling with the flick of a finger,
Yet I don’t.
Maybe its because I’m humane and lenient in the ways you never were,
Or maybe its because I’m a coward
Just like you.

I’ve been fighting, my whole life
As I see you enjoy your time
I can’t help to wonder
Of who you truly are

You know you’ve been playing life
On easy
While the rest of us try to fight our way
To the top
You’re out here looking to the bottom
As if you’re immune to the fall
Don’t worry it won’t hurt at all
The accuser works hard
But you need to work harder
And if you’re scared then remember
At least you won’t make it past the bottom  

“These days seem so dull”
Can’t say I can relate to your problem
Wondering of what you could be
I’m out here pinching pennies
Just to make it through the mourning

Let me hate you from afar
It’s what cowards do
Wishing you could join their misery
And marinate in hate
No one understands them
For only they have the right
To rule the world

Your struggles never mattered
It’s not what they focus on
They’ll keep on tossing and turning
Wishing they could be just you
But for now just enjoy your privilege
Before the tides turn
Life wasn’t always fair for them
But life wasn’t always fair to you too

you coward amen
not soul saver till the end
no you were just man