I stare inside an empty chest
Where used to, there be such a mess
Panic, fear, urgent anxiety
To certain varieties of these drugs
I make a toast to my sobriety

A right of passage,
Was my consumption.
What I chose to do
How I chose to function
My takings of nothing and making them something
Are nowhere to be found,
Except away from me, running

What’s gone is gone
What’s mine is mine
What’s outdated and failed
For it, there’s no time
No rhyme or reason
No proper season
No excuses
Now, we’re even

This heart shaped box
Was in disguise
Though it told truths,
Now they are lies.
Truth is subjective
It’s all about time.
Mine has now changed,
How sublime!

Full of love,
Not driven by it.
No reckless outpours,
I keep it quiet.
And in my mind,
Rather than a riot,
The fog is cleared.
I’m glad I tried it.

I don't really get sad or happy
Things in my mind just either bury the darkness,
Or bring it out.

It can be vicious, but it's often not.
It simply pushes the light out of my life,
Shadowing my love, my care, my soul,
Thereby suppressing my passion.

Since I have danced with this darkness for so long,
I don't imagine that it will ever be gone.
My happiest times have been its weakest,
And my worst times, its strongest,
But the vitality that this darkness maintains inside me
Is impressive.

Despite my avoidance, my perseverance towards
Directing my thoughts towards love and pleasing others,
The darkness constantly shades my view.
I see what I love and I know what I want and what I want to do,
And it warps my simple ambitions to be selfish, toxic, and empty.

It's a never-ending battle, in some ways, but it's not really a battle.
Resistance, I have found, is futile. Distractions are welcome,
But ultimately, the darkness does not die.
In fact, when I am happy, excited, and positive,
I can feel the darkness at bat.
Waiting for my turn to be over, waiting for me to strike out
So that it can take the plate.

Realism, depression, insecurity are its allies,
Constantly giving the darkness new ideas.
New ways to distract me and sometimes, torment me.

Friends, nature, happiness, love, are its enemies.
They stun it, making the darkness forget about its goals
And letting me then forget about it, sometimes,
Those times when I'm happy. Having fun.
What I know of fun is this, essentially.

It might be that I feed it too much.
Darkness may be an attention seeking immature idiot,
Who if I ignore, would just give up. And go away.
But it's part of me, it's not some force or occasional tendency.

It's always. I am the darkness. And I am the light.
My mind is constantly moving, spinning, cycling,
With bright lights and deep darkness always dancing with me
Exciting me, frustrating me, teaching me, torturing me, loving me,
And moving me forward.

I do what I can and try to shed light,
Darkness be ******.

Nothing’s simple
Nothing’s easy
Everything’s difficult
Makes me queasy

About my life
That has no meaning,
It’s often melting
And sometimes freezing

I’m growing up
Constantly teething
Emotions and logic
The toys I’m eating

Hard to swallow
I’m always leaving
Running in circles
Returning easily

From me to me,
A verbal beating
The poems, identical,
Worth deleting

Thoughts cross my mind
As long as I’m breathing
They cross each other often,
Always seething

With rage, waiting
For me to engage
Other people, hoping
That a glimpse at this face

Will brighten another one,
Start a cycle of brightness
But drawing other people in
Takes more than politeness

Who knows what it takes?
What do you need?
If I knew what it was
I’d offer it, with speed

I disagreed.
I never knew how to act first
Is it loving, caring, like I am
Or should I go with the worst

And trust this instinct I have
That everyone wants a stoic me
Everyone wants me to march in line,
Never writing poetry

Knowing I’m supposed to be
Just another staring face
Offering words selectively
And only in the right case.

That’s what some people want
Is it theirs to take?
Am I a popular vote persuasion
Meant to act how they say?

No way. I’d rather just be myself
Teething, breathing, poetry-ing
Worse for wear, but oh well.
This human is not for sale

Before staring at rocks, there was staring at fallen trees
Before fallen trees, there was sport and game
And much before that, there must have been something
To help us keep our lives wasting away

Staring at rocks, day in, day out
Nobody cries. Nobody questions
Why staring at rocks is a good way to live.
There's no good way to live, suppose that's the lesson.

Lessen and lessen until it's no more,
Or so it seems, with what we feel.
What we produce by staring at rocks,
Some fleeting pleasure, some placating meal.

Is it a big deal? Or is it not?
Shall we stare on as rocks evolve?
As the rocks evolve, will we just stop?
Will they grow on and we, grow not?

Is the rock a form of communication?
Is the rock the epitome of what we make?
What we do? What we value?
What we love? What we save?

Where's the glory? Where's the love?
What's between a bunch of rocks and I?
Where's the moment when I'll love rocks
And not hold tears back in my eyes?

Never dying, never criticizing,
Never complaining, always obedient
Manipulated entertainers,
No wonder rocks, that's where we went

Will it stop? Luddites united?
Or are the rocks the newest wheel?
They give us so much to know and process
But rocks, from you, I'll never feel

This is the springtime of your life. Don't let it go to waste. Enjoy it.
/
Does that mean do crazy?
Does that mean do whatever I want?
Does that mean take advantage of
My independence till it's gone?

Does it mean drink a lot?
Does it mean do drugs?
Does it mean charm women,
Seeking approval, chasing hugs?

Does it mean being lazy?
Should I chill and lay back
Until I work hard a couple decades,
Die later from heart attack?

Does it mean act reckless?
Is it yolo swag **** everything else?
Form a youthful reckless checklist
Do what I want, never help?

Should I follow my heart,
Even if it's a lustful disaster?
People who have the most fun,
Are they now my masters?

Do I follow them?
Do I go out and party?
Is it safe?
Should I black out every other night? Hardly.

Is it do what I think is best?
Is that really fun?
Grades and help for everyone else,
Continuing from where I'd begun.

Is it autopilot?
Is that what I keep maintaining?
Do I ask a ton of questions?
My intellect, always straining?

Does that count?
Does that make it count?
If I overthink everything,
Can my happiness reach an amount

Where I look back, look down
Sit upon a couch
And say, ****, that was fun
Time to retire and sell out

To the American Adult dream
Slowly crawling to the grave
At least I had fun then,
At least by memories, I'm saved.

I caved, I lost it,
I'm not a normal college kid.
I'm on a ride, on my mind,
In my life, but listen,

It's a blast, it *****
All of the wasted contemplating
But it beats blacking out,
Complaining, rebelling, and hating.

Here I am, patient
Looking forward to dating.
Self-centered, prideful,
Centralized around mating.

And it's cool, not bad,
I'll still grow up and look back,
"This is the springtime of your life.
Do what you want, no going back."

Can’t think.
Can’t speak.
Fears and insecurities
Make my mind weak.

Tumbled out
Of my selfish vision.
Looked around,
No precision.

Aimless goals
Selfish giving
Lost in translation,
The love is missing.

A promised life
My only fantasy
I love you
And you love me.

Is that how
It’s going to be?
Is this how
It’s going to be

Constant chaos
No balance
No days off
Prison palace

All that I want
No prices.
Distractions from me
My only vices.

No escape.
I can’t run.
Unmet needs
Leaving one

Or two or three
People who love me.
I love you too,
But who should I be?

The one who gets loved
And serves for thee,
Or the selfish one
Who wants to be

Even better
Than I am now.
Happiness seeking?
A huge let down

Take my life
Spread it out.
Broken hearted
Loosely mouthed.

I’m living here
Always right now
Always afraid
I won’t figure it out.

I don’t do everything right,
I don’t even come close
I just get to life a blessed life
Way more fortunate than most

I can’t believe the roads I’ve taken
Enable me to find myself.
I can’t believe how much love I’ve awakened
In addition to love that’s been in me since before I could spell.

My life is so generous
My life is not without pain
But I’m lucky enough to be able to think
And learn so much and thus, from my suffering, gain.

I won’t ever go back to trying to conform
I might even abandon the thought of being sane
What a great way to avoid all the people
I don’t want to speak to, like, not that I’m saying

I’m better than them, because I’m truly not
But with nice conformers, I tend to get bored,
The truth is my favorites so far have bad qualities
But I love them for them and I never feel bored

And I try to explore them and anyone open
Enough to show me what’s happening inside
And for people who’s lives have taught them to have caution
I understand there are many reasons to hide

But before I die, one of my selfish missions
Is to go all out and be a total freak
And despite the repercussions of loving the weird stuff,
I’ll be a magnet for people who’re unique

I aspire to help them, aspire to amuse,
Aspire to connect, aspire to obtain
So many beliefs and opinions from others
That there’s no way I won’t be a contradictory freak

Opposing viewpoints, I already have many
And in some ways, then, I am becoming nothing
I want to embrace both sides of many passions
And in the passion pit, I’ll come out dressed as something

Amorphous, accepting, and hopefully helpful
Since I live to serve and I live to entertain
And if nothing else, I’ll keep building and building,
Overthinking thoughts just to muddle my brain

And I’m blessed for a million reasons, ****** for none,
No more ****** than the luckiest guy
I’m free and I love you and I’m so imperfect
And I don’t care, thank you, nothing really to hide