I saved a voicemail you left me on the 12th of February.
You said that you hoped I had a great day, and you were proud of me.
I’ll never delete that.
Not because I don’t think your proud of me,
but because one day soon I won’t be able to hear your voice anymore.

Words swell in my throat daily, and I feel like it’s going to collapse at any second.
But it doesn’t.
I swallow. Harder. Then even harder. And eventually the lump in my throat dies along with the tears swelling in my eyes.

I go to school, life, social events, and home with my mask.
Sometimes I even wear it to bed.
WHY! I scream in my mind. I scream so loud I’m sure everyone can hear me.
But they don’t. No one can or will.

Of all the people in this world, why you, Daddy?
Why my Dad, my rock and groundwork for my success?
Why, God, would you take your most loyal servant from me?
Right. You selfish god, you.

I saw a picture of us today, Dad.
We were happy. You smiled, and I smiled. WE smiled.
Family again. Whole again.
Just to be taken, for the last time.

Daddy, I don’t want to say goodbye.
Please Daddy. I’m tired of wiping my eyes, and ruining perfectly good shirts.
You’re still happy. How?
That’s right. Because heroes don’t cry.

And neither does my Dad.

For once I met someone as clumsy as me.
I am always falling.. Tripping even.
But I was too clumsy this time
and so were you.
You stumbled over my past,
And I fumbled into your mind.
I stepped into your soul
And you slipped into my life.
You tripped over my presence,
And we collapsed into each others' hearts.

I'm glad you're as clumsy as me.

This will be the last time.
The last time you’ll be reminded of us.
Of what we had, did, and wanted to do.
It’s quite bitter now, and for that I apologize.
I should have left it alone when I had the chance.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret us.
Not for one ******* second.

I regret that I wasn’t the one that could make you happy.
I regret that I wasn’t the one who could brighten your day with one smile.
I regret that I couldn’t bring you to where you needed to be.
After all, you did all that for me.

Regardless of miles or paths, I will never regret you, or us.
I will never regret our **** days in your bed being playful.
I will never regret the kisses and hugs that brought my world back into focus.
And I will never regret you.

I removed the necklace and rings for one reason.
I can’t live with the constant reminder that I lost the best part of my life.

Truly, I will miss you.
But you need more than just me.

So fly and be free from this cage of moral incompetency.
Now, I give you permission.

Permission to live freely.

Now, go.
And please don’t forget me, or the time I spent by your side.
For I will never truly be completely gone from there.
Only temporarily misplaced, and ready for when you may need me once again.

Even drunk, I can put my words to thought
And my thought to words

You mean everything to me
And I will stay here forever

As long as it means you’re in my life
Even if I’m not “the one”

I will watch you go through times
And still be here

I will continue to be what I’ve always been to you
A dependable, yet insignificant person in the grand scheme

I’ll make you glad you came
And still be here

Even when you talk about him all the time
I’ll still be here

Just like I’ve always been
Because of many reasons

The main one being
That I know how you feel

Because you are him to me
And I could never be without you

So I won’t even try
And I’ll stay

Until you decide and realize how bad
I am for you

I’m drunk
But I still love you

I’ll read this sober
And still love you

You really don’t understand how much I mean it
When I say I’ll never leave you

Even if it costs me
My last breath

Because to me
You’re worth it

I love you.
I always have.
I always will.
My love.

-V

Forever it seemed to me
Waiting day after day, wondering
Watching failure after failure
A warm kitchen and a full living room
Pictures on the wall
That I stared at night after night
I can’t get these pictures out of my head
My dreams consume me with terror
And thoughts of losing you
Haven’t I already lost you?
Don’t let them see you cry, dear
Don’t mourn for something you never missed
Or needed
The duct tape that filled the empty space
Of your voided and closed soul
Only the dullest knives have problems
Cutting away the tape
And you, my love, are of the sharpest kind

You’re beautiful.
Smart.
Talented.
Wise.
Level-headed.
Strong.
Cryptic.
­Brilliant.

Some things never do change.