it's not that I don't
want to die anymore.
I still do some days.

I am still not okay,
but that's okay.

the way that I stay alive
when I want to disappear

is that I look for one good thing
in every day of my life.



this morning, I made
some pancakes with
blueberries in the batter.
I really like pancakes.

yesterday, the sunset
was gorgeous. it's usually
not so pretty this time of year.
I love watching sunsets.



I could hate every part
of my life, and honestly,
sometimes I still do.

and yes, there are still
bad things and scary moments
and breakdowns and pain.

and yes, sometimes there's
more bad than good,



but if I wasn't here,
I wouldn't have eaten
those pancakes this morning.

I wouldn't have seen that
beautiful sunset last night.

I would never have gone
on that impromptu road trip
to the city where I grew up in.

I would never have gone
to college, or even graduated
from my old high school.

I would never have learned
to speak Mandarin, or how
to play chess, or the way that
the gears look inside of those
antique grandfather clocks.

I would never have met
the love of my life.

I would never have realized
how amazing love can feel,
or that I am deserving of it.

I would never have seen
my friend's baby daughter.

he'd be telling her all about
how much I would've loved her,
and he would be right.

but I would never have
loved her, because we
would never have met.



there are so many things
that I still haven't done

and so many places
that I still haven't seen

and so many people
that I still haven't met

and so many memories
that I still haven't made.



and yes, maybe the truth
is that at the end of it all,
I will still hate it.

maybe ten years from now,
I'll still want to die some days.

maybe there will always
be more bad than good,

but there will always be good.



the reality is that I don't have
an endless amount of time.

the clock is ticking.
one day, I will die,
just like everyone else.
I can't change that.
none of us can.

when those thoughts
come creeping back in,
and I don't see the point in
anything anymore, I pause.

I remind myself that
it's not logical for me
to end my life any earlier
than it's meant to end.

death is inevitable.
eventually, it will
be my time to die.
but today is not that day.



so if I die, and one day I will,
it won't be at my own hands.

life is too short, and
I don't want to leave
depressed and crying.
I want to go out laughing.

I want to die with
some good memories,
not just bad ones.



so I stay alive for
all of the good things.
I stay alive for pancakes.
I stay alive for sunsets.

I stay alive for those moments
where I laugh so hard that
my stomach starts to hurt.

I stay alive for the sound
of raindrops hitting our roof.

I stay alive for all good things.
even if they're little, even if
most people would
find them insignificant.

and that's okay.



if you've ever felt
the way that I feel,

I'm not here to tell you
that life gets better.

I don't know anything
about your life, or
about the battles that
you are fighting inside.

I don't know you.
I can't promise you that
your life will get better.

but I can promise you
that if you look closer,
there will be good things.



stay alive because you
need to feed your cat.
stay alive to see the beach.
stay alive to find your
new favorite movie.
stay alive to read that
book that you keep
saying you'll read.
stay alive for the
warmth of your clothes
fresh out of the dryer.
stay alive because
the cactus on your
windowsill will die
without you there.
stay alive to see clouds
shaped like funny animals.
stay alive to find a
four-leaf clover.
stay alive because you
haven't beat your
high score yet in
that video game.

stay alive for yourself.
stay alive for your family.
stay alive for your friends.
stay alive for your pets.
stay alive for your children,
or your future children.
stay alive for your coworkers.
stay alive for the homeless man
who you give a dollar to when
you pass him every day.
stay alive for the people who
secretly rely on you, who
read your poetry and listen
to your songs and feel
changed by you, even
if you'll never meet them.



and if you have no one,
then stay alive for me.

I care about you.
I don't have to know you
to be inspired by you.

it takes strength to
stay alive when you
don't want to live,

and for that, you are braver
than you will ever know.



so stay alive because
you still have a life.

stay alive for whatever
you'd miss if you weren't.

stay alive because maybe
it's true. maybe you're right.
maybe things won't get better,

but you won't know that
if you aren't here to see it.

Reader,

                                        stay alive
                                   stay alive stay a
                                live stay alive stay a
                                 live stay alive stay
                                    alive stay alive
                                        stay alive

                                        stay alive
                                   stay alive stay a
                                live stay alive stay a
                                  live stay alive stay
                                      alive stay alive
                                              stay alive
                                                stay ali
                                                ve sta
                                               y al
                                              ive
            ­                                 |-/

Stay safe for me
Stay sound for me
Stay warm for me
Stay rested for me

I couldn’t stand to see your tears
I could hide you away from fear
I couldn’t watch you saunter alone
I could walk you home

I know I am too eager
I know my smile is meagre
I know I can do better, when due
I know that I love you

Stay safe for me
Stay grounded for me
Stay home for me
Stay happy for me

This isn’t me
This is not life, flee
We are not meant to be
Not happily

Stay safe for me
Stay bound for me
Stay swarmed for me
Stay vested for me

Stay for me, won’t you?
You won’t, will you?
It is not healthy
Simply

You must yield
I am not your shield
Stay in your bed
I have lost my head

I will continue to long
For you
Believe me, you do not belong
To me

But I love you
I do
And I couldn’t stand
To see your tears

Stay safe for me
Stay safe for me
Stray from me
Stay away from me

But first and foremost,
Be safe

Got your mind made up,
You’re leaving this town.
Just as soon as the next summer rolls around.
Let me be your reason to stay.

You’re grabbing your keys,
Headed to the door.
Got nothing else to say, nothing no more.
Let me be your reason to stay.

Getting in your car,
Not a look back.
Going on home, just to pack.
Let me be your reason to stay.

A slight knock on your door.
One little kiss.
Something that drives you mad, something you’ll miss.
Let me be your reason to stay.

Grab my hand.
Pull me in close.
Say you’ll miss me the most.
Let me be your reason to stay.

You’re slowly moving on.
Long down the road.
I’m just sitting at home, “missing you” mode.
Let me be your reason to stay.

Would you miss me at all?
Every second, every hour?
My tears are pouring down, one long rain shower.
Let me be your reason to stay.

You’re having some regrets,
You want to move back.
Going to your newfound home, just to pack.
Let me be your reason to stay.

A slight knock on your door.
One little kiss.
Something that drives you mad, something you’ll miss.
Let me be your reason to stay.

Grab my hand.
Pull me in close.
Say you’ll miss me the most.
Let me be your reason to stay.

You’re driving through traffic,
Pedal to the floor.
Yelling you can’t miss me anymore.
Let me be your reason to stay.

Hitting every red light,
There could possibly be.
Nothing on your mind, nothing but me.
Let me be your reason to stay.

I see you coming down the street.
Seeing you here.
Down my face, falls one little tear.
Let me be your reason to stay.

A slight knock on my door.
One little kiss.
Something that drives me mad, something I’ve missed.
Am I your reason to stay?

Grabbing my hand.
You pull me in close.
Looking in my eyes, saying you’ve missed me the most.
Am I your reason to stay?

Grabbing both of my hands.
Pulling me closer.
Telling me I’m your reason to stay.
Whispering, you’re never going away.

Tower of Silence - Track 10

Intro
(( Stay low ))

Pre-Chorus
Stay low, stay low
They say to shut the fire in my bones
I know, I know
If my bones are Yours, the fire, will grow

Chorus
I wasted time, I wasted death
I think I thought myself of breath
I need to stand, I need to fight
I need to move again tonight

Verse 1
No one to confide, hiding behind walls that confine
A system where I’m walled in
A rhythm that keeps me in depression
Oppressed, restrained to digress
No, I don’t desire to—this pattern I craft fire to
A wall in my way that obstructs my view
Contained by the lies that set my life in skew
With the help of my Blood I’ll reach the top
With the sound of our Kind we won’t fear the drop

Pre-Chorus
Stay low, stay low
They say to shut the fire in my bones
I know, I know
If my bones are Yours, the fire, will grow

Chorus
I wasted time, I wasted death
I think I thought myself of breath
I need to stand, I need to fight
I need to move again tonight

Verse 2
Sometimes I’m able to see the other side
Then I’ll look back and find my mind is tied
These lies convince me I can’t get over the wall
They hype up the doubts and make me fear I’ll fall
Could it all just be one of these schemes
To make me believe in such silly things
What I say when I wanna be more
Make a move and make a break for it
Take a spray can and leave your mark man
Stand up and step out into our plan
Opportunity does not make me certain
But what I’m certain in is, we will will
We can leave this society
Join me in the face of anarchy
Help me destroy our old world
Join with me to build a new one
Rise up and fulfill your duty
Join me in Exarcheia

Break
Wake up—Give up
Rise up—GiVE IN
(((Remember, remember)))

Bridge
(( It seems so fun to let the worry inside
I can’t get the darkness out of my life, anyways
So maybe I should give in
Fancy the dark—it’s a habit
So maybe I should do it anyways ))

Verse 3
So let’s take this energy, this emotion this notion this dependency
Use it, to chose it, for others to lose it
stAY LOw, they say to hold our hope at bay
I know, but I don’t know if the spirits should stay
Demons in this room, should they stay or should they go?
Eyes in the dark, are they friend or are they foe?
Man gave names to all the animals, so no wonder we give names to our own
To what’s not in sight of our candles, what is hidden deep in our bones
It was man that labeled all the beasts, we crafted the dark on which we feast
Was it our duty to name our demons, could this have any sort of meaning
We’ve named the monsters under our bed
For some reason, it’s the blood beneath our skin
And we’ve neglected His blood instead
We’re only engraving our own extinction

Hook
( Though I am weak, still I need to stay moving
Still I need to stay moving )

Verse 4
You are tired, you are bruised
Your world is blurred, and so confused
Don’t give in to these neon lamps
Loneliness hyped and darkness vamped
The blackness seems to inspire
With the nihility we don’t desire
They lure you into a heatless light
You my friend must stand and fight
You, my Kind, you know both sides
I know it’s hard, the silence intensified
So raise your hands up even higher
I know your arms are tired and they have your ankles bound
So stay low to the ground and we’ll leave the freezing fire
Whether it’s the easy way or the hard way, it’s time
To decide which side of the battle you’ll side with
And I promise you, friends, the latter is mine

Hook
Though I am weak, still I need to stay moving
Still I need to stay moving

Pre-Chorus
Stay low, stay low
They say to shut the fire in my bones
I know, I know
If my bones are Yours, the fire will grow

Hook
Though I am weak, still I need to stay moving
Still I need to stay moving
Though I am weak, still I need to stay moving
Still I need to stay—

(( We need to move again tonight )) .

Dear Strong,
Stay.

No matter what,
Stay.

No matter how hard
the wind hits you,
Stay.

No matter how painful
the scars on your soul,
Stay.

No matter how empty
and lonely you are,
Stay.

No matter how heavy
the rain of tears
that falls from your well of fears,
Stay.

No matter how tired
your legs are
from running in the jungle of thoughts,
Stay.  

No matter how hurtful
the song of tortures that came from the mouth of unbelievers,
Stay.

No matter how annoyed
you are by the colors of the fake rainbows,
Stay.

Stay and Stay.
You only have yourself.
You need you,
as much as they need you.

Stay.
Just Stay.
You'll make wonders
when you
Stay, Dear Strong.

I want life to stay
Just the way it is
I want life to stay
Just as simple as it has ever been
I want life to stay
Frozen in my memories
I want life to stay
And preserve all the precious moments
I want life to stay
Forever young

I need life to stay
Just the way it was
I need life to stay
Just as simple as it  used to be
I need life to stay
The way I remember
I need life to stay
Simple as a child's game
I need life to stay
Forever young

I wish life would stay
The way it was before
I wish life would stay
Preserve every moment
I wish life would stay
The way it is seen through a child's eyes
I wish life would stay
As innocent as it used to be
I wish life would stay
Forever young

Yet you stay. Holding onto me, yet you stay, reaching
out a hand that I push away. The cold is not meant for you
yet you stay, you stay, you stay. When I know it’s not right
for you.
The ice fills my veins and I can’t feel the pain, yet you’re
there like the heat that sends me screaming in fear.
I can’t feel the warmth I need to feel the ice. I want to
hold it all in and numb it till I can’t feel the knife.
Your heat threatens to melt it all and I know I can’t bear
the pain if the ice melts away.
So I push you away and I scream out your name and I
know I can’t need you yet you give anyway and I run
wishing you would run too.
Yet you stay. Holding onto me yet you stay reaching out
a hand that I push away. The cold is not meant for you yet
you stay, you stay, you stay. When I know it’s not right for
you.
The blackness is my shield. I pull it closer still.
You’re the light that I hide from, the light that I hate.
You’re the light to this darkness and I can’t let you stay.
I need the dark around me like I need the ice in my veins.
The cold is my healer. The cold is my safe place. You
aren't welcome with your heat you don’t belong beside me.
I hate you yet I love, I don’t want you yet I need you.
The dark will always be my cloak and you are the threat
to unveil my pain, so leave. Leave and erase the memories.
I need to face the life that’s meant for me. Don’t stay and
ruin all my plans.