i want to find love again.

i want to hear the melodies its voice produces,
and feel the butterflies in my stomach.

i want to blush when it tells me I’m pretty
and feel my heart race when it touches me

i want to call someone mine.
i want to be theirs.

but it feels like i am incapable,
it feels like i am damaged.
like the last time i was in love was really...

the last time.

am i broken?
will i ever be able to feel things for someone again?
to want to talk to them every day?
and miss them every second we’re apart?

i have tried to fill the void with bodies but
the physical does not feel the same if the emotional intimacy is not there.
i want a connection beyond intertwined bodies and crumpled sheets.

just to know i can still have that.
to know that my past has not ruined my future.
to know that i can be fearless and allow my heart to lead me wherever it goes.

because i do want love,
i want that feeling again…

i miss it.

i miss being held and knowing that the world can’t get to me in its arms.
i miss being kissed and never wanting the moment to be over.
i miss caring about someone so deeply it takes over my whole body.

my only hope is that one day my feelings start to make sense to me,
so that i can reach the part of me that has so much love to give;
because i know that it’s there,
just scared in hiding...
i want to let it know its okay to come out.

when you’ve been in captivity so long,
you forget what outside looks like.
you start to make yourself comfortable in your cage;
it starts to feel like home.

when the door becomes unlocked and you have the chance to leave...
you hesitate.
outside is scary,
it is not a place you are used to.
it is not a place you can call home.

sadness is like that cage, and i, its prisoner;
the lock is broken and i can leave anytime i want,
so why do i still linger here?

i am not comfortable being happy.
it used to be something i craved, something i longed for everyday...
to finally feel the sun on my skin and have it mean something.

but i am at home here.
here in the darkness,
in the cage i have grown to love.
a cage that is mine and mine only

for so long i thought i just wanted to be happy.
i glorified it, the contentment.
i thought once i achieved it everything would be okay,
i never expected myself to want to run away from okay.

but here i am.
i do feel happier than i have in a very long time,
but i feel uneasy,
i feel insecure,
i feel unstable.

joy is like an undiscovered country for me and i am experiencing culture shock.
i feel like a fraud,
an outsider trying to blend in...
but i don’t know the mannerisms,
i don’t know the language,
i don’t know how to exist in this world.

i look forward to the day that i am truly at ease.
when my feelings exist in harmony, instead of against one another.
when i can build a new life in my bliss,
and have a new place to call home.

the night is most comfortable with itself at 3 am;
when the quiet is the only thing to see,
and the darkness the only thing to hear.
it is an illumination of peace,
an orchestrated sequence of silence.

a person is most vulnerable at night;
when words dance in the air like lovers at a ball,
and actions seem as powerful as the bodies making them.
it is a reawakening of the soul,
an unexpected baptism of emotion.

this is when i know you best;
in the middle of the night, at 3 am,
when everything is nothing
and we can only hear our breaths and heartbeats,
our bodies pressed together
almost as if they were meant to be molded into each other.

this is how it should be;
you,
and me,
alone for hours
because

i am most at ease when i am with you;
when you tangle my hair between your fingers,
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
it is a safe haven for me,
an unofficial place to call home.

i guess i should say thank you,
because you make love so easy.
everytime you hold me close,
it's like a breath of fresh air
and after what felt like drowning for so long,
i'm happy to be able to breathe again.

one: you have chosen to inhabit my inner thoughts. you won’t leave my head for days, weeks even.

two: i catch myself staring at your lips, examining you face, wondering what it would feel like to have it pressed against mine as our bodies breathe together.

three: there is a sharp pain in my chest when i see you. i picture what it would be like if you were holding my hand instead of hers.

four: together, we belong. the first time i told you i loved you, i meant it. the first time you told me you loved me, i believed you.

five: the last time i saw you was five minutes ago, but i already miss you.

six: the last time i spoke to you was a month ago, and i miss you. what happened?

seven: i can’t bring myself to get out of bed, everything reminds me of you.

eight: you called me for the first time in a while tonight, asking if we could just talk for a bit

nine: it took every part of me to stop myself from pouring my heart out to you once again

ten: i’m glad i hung up

i am a plastic bag floating upon the waves of an ocean
simply allowing them to carry me wherever i am destined to go

i stayed up all night
waiting for a text from you.
sunlight knocked on my bedroom window,
but i just shut it out once again...
i refuse to let anything other than u in

you know, i could never fall asleep properly until i heard from you...
so i guess you could say i haven’t gotten much sleep these past few months.
i have been staring at my ceiling for so long,
trying to picture us together again,
that i’ve nearly forgotten what the rest of the world looks like.

i never thought the day would come where my longing for you would bring me nothing but misery,
but here i am,
staring at my ceiling,
the sunlight is starting to creep in on me...
so i guess it’s time for me to close my blinds again.