Mote
by Keith TrimWhen she turned her gaze upon me,
I was a mote of dust
caught in a beam of sunlight
I was huge and beautiful
and bright.
I laughed and danced
and shone.
And when she turned away,
a cloud moved across the sun
and I was extinguished.
Jan 11, 2010
Keith Trim Keith Trim is an English writer.
Reactions
36 written
Renjith Prahlad Jan 11, 2010
gud imagery...nice one
cud u read my poems and post your valuable comments..
Renjith Prahlad
cud u read my poems and post your valuable comments..
Renjith Prahlad
Randy PSoMAS Wiafe Feb 23, 2010
"And when she turned away,
a cloud moved across the sun
and I was extinguished."
:(, awesome poem :)
a cloud moved across the sun
and I was extinguished."
:(, awesome poem :)
Paula Swanson Mar 1, 2010
So much emotion packed within a few very well chosen words. You still shine.
stratton wayne st.clair Mar 18, 2010
Very nicely done. Nice contrasts.
tremor of a droplet Mar 18, 2010
Hmmmmmmmmmm....
Del Maximo Mar 27, 2010
It is beautiful and complete in its brevity...but I do wish there were more in that middle stanza.
Justin Blaauw Mar 30, 2010
Personally, you mixed up the dust image with a flame image - I feel that you should have carried the metaphor through. But I like it - it is short intense and insightful glimpse into the emotions of a crush. Succinct.
Keith Trim Mar 30, 2010
I see where you're coming from but I was trying to describe the way that dust motes look so bright and huge when floating in sunlight. Thanks for the comments, though. :)
John Ashton Upston Mar 30, 2010
Love at first sight is deadly every time. That's what this poem is telling me. Fall in like before love.
--- Jul 23, 2011
Huge and beautiful and bright.
Simple words strung together so effortlessly. Sounds uncluttered and crisp. That phrase will hang with me for days...
Simple words strung together so effortlessly. Sounds uncluttered and crisp. That phrase will hang with me for days...
Katrina Wendt Sep 12, 2011
I LOVE this. It's so simple, and speaks the truth. You phrase so elegantly what many people, myself included, I'm sure feel.
Mitza Buonanducci Oct 31, 2011
Its beautiful. I like how you can draw from one spec of dust all this emotion. Good job.
Jonathan Batteas Jan 5
I'm going to echo what everyone else here is saying. I admire the clarity of the poetic imagery, and the powerful brevity of the piece. Get in,...make an impact,...and get out. well done.
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