You are a tumor
and
you are not done growing

I mean
you are so much a part of me
It’s almost disgusting

I want to abort my inner child
And reprimand him
for finding all the hiding places my heart made

Man
those places are supposed to be secret

But the growing you did moved all my organs
And now my heart
Really is on my sleeve
Pumping just below the surface of my skin

We are that disgusting

The way you’ve pushed my lungs into my throat
Even when I try and whisper
I am just gasps of air

The way my nerves have somehow intertwined
With my stomach
I am always filled with fear

Fear that is twisting
and tying my veins into knots

Can’t you see it in the way my heart sleeve pumps hesitantly
Unsure of when exactly the pressure will kill me

You
Inner child
Are going to kill me

My rib cage is not a table for you to hide under
There are no teddy bears in there

You cannot pull on my tear ducts when you want to be held
People don’t understand that it just means you’re lonely

Goddammit

are you that retarded
That “feed me” is so much a punch to the gut
That I vomit
Just so you can eat again

There is no refuge in mind
Those hollow places were hollowed out for a reason
All barricaded with doors that say

“Do Not Enter”

So stop right now
And look for the exit sign

Let me open my mouth for you
So the sign illuminates
white like the back of my teeth

Just use your words
And tell me
so I can tell them

That lonely is a phone call away from powerless
That you beg for the ring so hard some days
That you take over my hands when I am drunk
And text message people
With the sole purpose of proving you exist

I know you exist
And I want to abort you
So that I can finally grow up

But you keep me kicking to the surface
And buckle my knees at our reflection
You wrench my gut when you see how much of a man I look like

And then you tug at my tear ducts
And reattach my nerves
To the part of you that’s dying in me

Yell “Clear” and mock the electrical buzz of a jumpstart
Spit flying out of your mouth as you do
Once again pulling me under

Making me laugh when people get hurt
And saying all the wrong things like
“I love you”
And I want to abort you
So I can finally grow up