I’m bleeding tremendously down my face
I almost escaped.
It’s 5am, we walked the streets and had a cigarette
You tell me about yourself, “God”
It seemed so innocent, only walking
We left with no words
Such harmless individuals with no intentions
We were just happy and free
That’s not my name- I lied.
Cause you pigs are just trying to make bank
at the end of the month.
So close to making it.
I’ve got dirt grinding between my teeth
And my face is
soaked a crimson red
pooling under my eye
dripping into my mouth
“but I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’m trying to cooperate now.
You must think I’m fucking insane
There’s no panic in me
Up against the car
ambulance head lights
fucking blinding me.
You’re already in the back of the car
the overhead light casting onto your face
you mouthed the words so calmly
“It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay”
I tried to believe, I tried to cry.
Back up arrives
fucking bastards are having
a god damn fiesta.
But the paramedics are nice
just stop taking pictures of me, please.
I collapse onto the ground
against the vehicle
with my vision spotted
so close to passing out.
They decide we can ride in the same vehicle.
“You like to swim, God?” you asked.
“When I was a kid.” he’s blunt.
“Why not now? It feels just as good as it did
when you were 10.”
But he didn’t answer.
And the sun is lighting the city that I love
There’s massive sliding doors
they crash so loudly
the sound ricochets off the cement walls.
We’re escorted inside
I still haven’t shed any tears.
We remove all jewelry
un-weave all that’s tangled in our dreads
“They want everything in this fucking bag.”
the policeman said.
they cut the strings from my bloody
christmas tree shorts
I’m given beige sandals
my soiled feet are too small.
I take a seat on the cement bench
filthy old fucks eyeing me up and down
I look fucking haggard.
I see the counselor
then attempt to use the bathroom
to open the door on
some old scum fuck
taking a shit.
I hate television.
You take a seat next to me
wearing the hideous sandals as well.
So cold, the alcohol is wearing off
you hand me your paisley flannel.
I bleed on it.
If only we had stayed behind that building
smoking our cigarettes
sharing our minds.
Only 4 more minutes till
the paper would have burned to the filter
would have made all the difference.
I see the nurse.
I’m re-bandaged trying to hold back
my shutters of pain.
His kind words and soft speak
bring me to my first tears
“I’m not like this, I just want to sleep…
in my bed… with my cat.
And my family… Oh my Godddd!”
I’m bellowing as quietly as I can.
And he tells me stories.
I’m allowed to make my phone call
and it’s your turn with the nurse.
I’m wallowing into the phone to her
I’m frantic and self-loathing
And she’s coming to save me.
Escorted to your waiting cell
I’m alone now
I feel completely alone.
I’ve lost myself somewhere
between bottles and spent cigarettes.
Taken to the waiting cell
it smells putrid like a public bathroom
which jolts me.
I take my seat on the repulsive floor.
There’s an older obese woman
curled into a ball in the back corner
And everyone looks fucked.
The clock is creeping to 8am
fucking let me out.
I watch the lazy pigs
fucking cackle and stand so proudly
like they earned another
notch in their belts.
Close to 10am I receive my “blues”
and yet another photograph
You in your cell,
give me comforting smiles.
Fucking pimp hollers,
“Awh shit baby! You tried to run!
I’ll bond you out!
I gotcha baby!”
The blond woman takes us upstairs
through metal detectors, crashing doors,
coded rooms, surveillance cameras.
And I’ll never forget
her spidery eyelashes.
I drag my mesh bag on the floor
it contains my blankets and toothbrush…
I’m lost, everyone there
has been there before.
I just disappeared
no one knows
what happened to me
when they awake.
I let everyone down,
The lunch food is served
I want to vomit
I’ve been awake for
23hrs and the alcohol is
wearing off completely
I feel like a walking corpse.
Through the slit of window
I can see you, mother
please don’t leave me here
I try not to fall asleep
because I could miss the intercom
announcement to release me.
That steel door clicked
my mother and father stood up
and I had never been happier to see them
It was silent other than my sobbing
and everyone stared
wild-eyed and confused
as I exited to false freedom