My eyes flipped through the list of names
And I saw your's, your picture surfacing in my memory

But my heart did not skip a beat
My cheeks did not brighten with blush
At a thought that I did not remember.

I did not close my eyes and see that room of comfort
Your hand was not on my shoulder
Your face was not mere centimeters from mine
Your existence did not overwhelm me.

I saw your name on that list of long night conversations
But I did not want to speak
I did not even want to look.

Have you been replaced? It is possible.
But are you replaceable? Impossible.
your name is
always before my eyes
always on my lips
always in my mind

but never in my hand.
Never next to mine.
Never next to me.

No matter how many times I
See your name
or write it down
or sing it out loud
or scream it with pleasure
It will never be my name,
And I will never be yours.

Understanding will never be
as comfortable as your bed,
but it will make seeing your name tolerable.