You hear about the sleepless nights
The crying, the suicidal thoughts.
The cloudy days when it's sunny
And the thunderstorms in the cool breeze

You hear about the support groups
The suicide hotlines, the public outcry.
#westandwith__, #alwayskeepfighing,
The sad poems and the sad playlists.

But you never hear about the reality

The way depression looms over your head,
Not as a cloud, but as a faceless mass
Of pure darkness, that paints a smile on your face
So people don't notice you're hurting

It's the feeling of complete and utter nothingness,
When you sit in class and stare at the teacher
But don't hear a thing he's saying because you're too sad, too upset to move or think.

It's the paranoia that you feel
When your friends leave you for a split second
That feels like minutes, then feels like hours.
It's the loneliness that sets in
While numbers and friends are within arm's reach.

It's the messy room, the scraps of chocolate wrappers on the floor.
The piles of laundry you haven't touched in weeks.
The homework you've been putting off because you were too ******* sad to do it
The pain on your lover's face when he realised he can't do anything
And the pain on yours when you hate seeing him in pain
And the cycle goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on

...

It's the constant apologising.

The constant self-hatred.

The self-medication with good things and movies but nothing seems to work.





I just want to be okay.