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Pen Lux 13h
I'm relearning connection
With everything I've got:
My light
My love
And
My words
Pen Lux 5d
Holding my breath
Afraid to wake you
The words forming in my soul
Are woven to shake you

Uncomfortably quilted
Is the paradox of my hearts mending
Tectonic shifts
The impact of bending

The impact of coming together
While needing to look inward
Volcanic activity, atomic weather
My passion is lava propelling forward

From blue, to green, to red, to black
There's destruction in this healing
As these scars begin their searing
I am a Phoenix rising up,
Hello! Poetry :) it's me again, Pen Lux!
Pen Lux Mar 2
As winter meets its end
I meet myself at the beginning
It's taken time to approach and mend
Where rejection, first, was winning

My inner child is healing
While my pain is fully felt
I let my tears flow down
Heart healing as it melts

Sickness takes it's hold
Of my physical form
They said this soul was old
When I had just been born

The grief of loss
When I looked to her
She walked away
Door shut in my face

The grief of rejection
When he spoke his hurt
Those words were painful poison
Destroying all my worth

No parents to love
Or be loved by
I was only a child
But I wanted to die

Astral projection
My best friend was God
I begged to go back
But my journey, that was not

So I sit here and write
Allowing myself to cry
I hold myself softly
I'm getting ready to fly

Rediscovering what's to love
Realizing that I am enough
My strength is building slowly
Although the journey has been rough

My spirit is being guided
To find what hurts and pull it out
To spill all of my secrets
And remove my heart of doubt

There's been a drought
Long lasting
That I have finally shaken free
Today I walk in gratitude for all who have blessed me

Alone, in my tragedy
The wallowing that ensued
I walked away from all of you
And directly to my doom

I led myself astray
Because of the pain I could not face
At this point in time, I feel it's safe to say
I've found my way and I'm in a different place

I look around and here you are
Loving me as I am
So thank you from the very core of me
For loving me as I am
Pen Lux Feb 14
I've seen a different side of me
That I didn't think I could
The one that takes less pride in things
That doesn't numb to shelter feelings
I'm not sure, but hearing his signings
Makes me realize that he is my teaching
No longer reaching for something that I cannot have
I've been sat in reality
But it is no laugh
The truth is something here for me
It's the one thing I can fully grasp
That time has passed
He is my past
I may be tired
But renewed
Feelings held back are no longer subdued
It may sound rude
It may be scary
But the things I must share
Are simply blaring

I've got work to do that's in my past
While I strive for a future beyond an ending
My present is healing
And in it
My silence breaks
Pen Lux Sep 2023
The words beyond me
are very well known.
Despite the lack
of presence shown.
It's taken time, and
pain, and sorrow,
to find myself growing,
no longer dreading tomorrow.
Inside of me
resides a feast of
Love, and Pain,
and so much Trauma.
Yes, it's been stewing.
I'm no longer brewing.
I've long awaited
for the calm,
To be able to say:
the storm I became has abated.
No longer jaded
As words bloom
because they're releasing meaning.
I'm no longer full of hatred.
No longer fearing to be hated.
For the poison I gathered
wasn't only me who it effected
and left tattered, shattered, and confused.
During my drinking I wasn't the only one abused,
or misused.
My heart couldn't take the pain
of what broken pieces left remained.
I was never taught, skilled or trained
to deal with life beside
intentions that truly mattered.
Broken ribs, contusion contained chest,
small *******, big brained, lungs stained,
soul shaking, adventure-seeking fearful heart,
child with no father, no mother, no sister or brother.
Afraid to speak because she's said too much, a crutch.
Crutch upon the Devil's flame. Crutch upon his name.
All that I distained became all that I obtained.
Creation is a work of art if it comes from within the heart.
Yet with a heart full of poison, hellbent on consumption,
feeling empowered by destruction, self-hating coward,
shallow affections that were showered.
As I am
no longer drinking myself downward
and see myself moving forward I've
found that everything matters
(again).
Nothing lost it's meaning as I felt that
I could remain strong against others,
while at the same time self-defeating.
No longer holding onto pain.
I've begun to release
(again).
There's no mercy left for being shattered.
No more shattering, slashing, smashing,
self-hating suicidal tendencies or fantasies.
No, I am not healed fully.
No, I am not all knowing.
No, I am not perfect.
No, I am not giving up.
No, I am not going backwards
for sifting through the memories.
I must sift through to lift through
this heaviness.
I must walk this steep mountain
that seemingly leads
as far away as
to the birth of our galaxies.
Full of lessons unknown
I must create and be shown.
I must abstain from the comforts created within my pain.
Yes, I will open my heart once again
and I will not turn away when the reality hurts
just as much as I'm about to explain.

Pros come and go. I want for them to stay.
Not in my mind, but on the page anyway.
Pen Lux Dec 2022
the bark
in my peeling
is revealing
what I'd rather hide

what's inside?
something sweet
yet not a bite

what's in your mind?
held in your mouth
please spell it out

share with your lips
not just in a kiss
what's in your heart
as I tear apart
my present from my past
to move forward at last

I have come to you
and long
to take you
caress you
undress you from within
and return you to my heart
Pen Lux Sep 2022
Here I am
made of lumber
splinters are my skin
burns and cuts of summer days
paint peeling in the grass
wasps bites and termites
as I wither, swell and ache
bones that burst
when lightning strikes
my eyes are bluer still
I pierce the flood
of phoenix tears
as green turns grey
not fit for lungs
or meant to breathe
when holding comes easy
and heartbeats tatter at an acres pace
one after the other after the other
until my home is not my own
the streets no longer paved with pain
the torture leather, silver spared
on a platter, love prepared
a forest for a mother
a sun for a father
and a son to love me like none other
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