Messages wrapped in pink bows were never my cup of tea.
Let me have it out in the open, lay your true self out and allow yourself to have a holy dance with your monsters.

For once, crucify yourself for sins overdue and preach the fear you have been trying to escape. If you cannot save yourself, try saving someone. We must be worth something. We must.
-One

One.
One year later and l have learnt that a light  house will survive everything and will never hold a grudge against the waves.
So let me lead you home.
Let me direct your path. Allow me to be your safety despite the destruction you have become my love.
Let me be something.

Look what I’ve done.
World, look at me. I am pretty. Accept me.
Facebook like, love or whatever reaction cradle
Me in your arms like my mother never did
Tell me I matter.
Kiss me under the stars just
To prove to me that my dark past does not need
To overshadow my flickering happiness.
Let me breath you in just to prove that
This yin and yang mystery can be real.
Two hearts can synchronize.


Look what I’ve done.
Mommy look at me past my disappointments
Lover, look at me like I am the definition of perfection.
Toy with my bleeding heart like a **** in a chess game.
Dangle me. Make me feel whole and leave me empty.
Make me realize that I keep loving “deep” statuses
Because I find pieces of myself in them.
I keep trying to find my voice because
She ran away for me.


Look what I’ve done.
Look at what I am. I am alive.
I didn’t tap out. I survived.
I faced my demons and won some battles.
Lost more but I am here.
Look at me burying those I love.
I went out to hunt grief and before I left
I dug two graves.
One for my happiness and the other for my pain.


Look at what I have done.
God look at me!
Tell me why you never left
A suicide note to explain why I became a monster
The reason why you sent guardian angels
to protect us because we break everything we touch.
We hate happiness because it reminds us of something
we can hold onto for a lifetime.
Look at me. I hate death because
She reminds me of regret and the I love you
That I could have and should have said.
The I am sorry and the tight hugs.
A constant reminder that a beating heart
Is sometimes life distilled to its purest form.


Look at what I’ve done.
I became the human I promised to never become.
The alcoholic my mother is. The abuser that was my father.
My emotionless grandfather.
My voiceless grandmother.
The friend who ignores friends when
They need me most because I am afraid they
Wont reply to my 2am rants when I am confessing my dark secrets
How will I ever forgive myself for the things I did not become?
Look at me!
Look at what I’ve done.

And on that day my love. You will understand why time exists. Limits and endings.

They are there for cowards like you who kidnap cupid only
To find that they cannot **** her.
You can’t demand a ransom because I was never available to the taking.
I belong to whomever is brave enough to take on my demons.
Blow after blow.Kiss after kiss. Smile after frown.

I was never  yours to own or brand .
I am the one you find at the bottom of “seen” and beside double ticks as if
Black and blue weren’t a perfect match.

I am the one you find at the bottom of a Hennessey bottle or a shot glass.
Because I hit that hard and remind you that regret and pain have a redial button.
I am the one that will remind you that I can’t be  reason
enough that mommy or daddy did not love you
Bohoo. The world is cold and dark. I am sure you if you searched deeper
and looked a bit longer
You will see that god doesn’t just send angels to look over us for no reason
We are monsters that need guarding.
Don’t play with fire if you are not ready to burn all the way
This love game is for grown-ups. Sit down and play with your toys.
Let the adults handle this.
Be a coward. Walk away and I hope that one day you will have the courage to look
Back on days when assessing liquids and suffocating in thick clouds
gives you the strength to do so.
Find me in the darkness and in the light.
I am the Yin and Yan. ***** being either One.
I am both. I am what they call the One.
Your beginning and your end.
Since you have ended this journey, let me start. One.

Love is hate because it spits me out at the shores of violent seas, and the world does not stop moving even though  3 years of  my life  are washed down the drain.Gunshots never cease and lately they have become a lullaby for my 1 year old sister who is lifeless on the floor, I mean love cannot  survive nukes.

Love is a silent tragedy because the man next door is not moved as my brother dodges bullets and cover his bleeding ears whilst trying to outrun a lion in the wild.

Love is confusion because what i see everyday is man killing one another because we have different skin tones.
Love is selfish and arrogant because it knows no boundaries nor offers any respect.Love is a ****** because it violates and strips all innocence all in the name of sacrifice.

Love is a ****** because it kills dreams in the name of honesty. Love is an idea that helps us sleep at night because deception is the fuel to survive in this cold world.Love is a conman.

Dinner was a mission, I often wonder if we are to
eat, sleep and ONE day die.  Someone from across the dinner
table asked me why I chew  on my chicken bones and sometimes
Leave the meat... I brushed the question off and said
"its an Africa thing. You know putting some respek on the chicken"

What I tell myself before I sleep is that at least I had
a chance to destroy something. Tear it down.hell grind it down to
dust and leave it like that. I enjoy draining the life out it.
watching the bone marrow seep out of the cracked
bones reminds of myself. Reminded of my shattered soul and
my will to live that seeps out of my shattered self every **** day.

I am reminded of everyone who has come and stripped me of my
"meat" whether I called it worth , sacrifices I made or simply trying to find love in places where rejection taught me that black skin
can bruise.
I am reminded that I  can chew these bones as hard as I want to and
then leave them without any sorry lingering in the air.
For once,  I get to destroy someone and walk out.
That's the only time I could feel worth it, I had the last say.
That's the only time I could turn into the monsters
that chipped   me into tiny pieces and taught me 2nd best is okay.

But these are just lies I mask as the truth. .. I look up to my classmate across the dinner table and smile. All is well. All is well. Just another mask I have to wear,,,,, Another lie I have to sell.....

Its been months since pen ad paper visited
I guess we have all been busy. Caught up.
Consumed by the world around us,
To and fro trying to prove my worth to
those who still leave me anyway.

I drown from liquid to liquid
and yet I never find oceans where my ancestors drowned in
I could never find the voice that has been calling me .
begging for me to join life on the Otherside of the veil

Getting out of bed seems to be a mission
chasing daydreams of finding love and acceptance
I guess I am now back to the only One that will forever accept me
Pen and paper . silent yet loud. accepting yet sometimes so harsh with
pounding rejection because most times I can't even disvirgin paper
so i remain there .. clueless on what steps to take.
I think that's why I am still searching for my worth in random places.
Reasons why people I used to care about became random faces