You keep crossing lines that I divide
The surface reeks of emotional drought
The constants are bleeding through the needling
The mind snaps as the lights go out
******* only numbs the stings
Doubt festering on darkened lines
Taken for granted on the fraying strings
When all the demons have come alive

So sparse were the days, self-inflicted
Where my liNes could do no wrong
Greater were the internal razing of thoughts
Self induced, it never felt so raw
Sordid reality and reaper of flesh
All here is temporary, the pain is reset
Sparse were the days, they compact, compress
Where the eyes could only see the wrong

In mismanagement, the intent is pushing through
Dissecting the body of fate that held us rusted
Give more to take as we break all that we knew
As our feet stampede unknown paths we trusted
In the face of the one who never tries
I cut myself for the sloth that you harbor
And as I lie here in truth dripping from my eyes
While you watch on, desensitized to the horror

So sparse are the days, self-praising
Where my mind could do no wrong
Greater now the internal razing of thoughts
Self infliction, it wouldn't feel so wrong
Replace boundaries, scar the flesh
It's all temporary, the relief is rest
Sparse are the days, they reverb, contract
Where the eyes could see no wrong

I Am Still
A Lost Mind
Looking Through
The Wrong Eyes
To Undo
The Past Times
I Went Through
Thousand Smiles
All That Hide
The Same Lies
The Same Lies
The Same Lies

Somehow this moment repeats indefinitely
The very point in which you heavily defend
The same four words that you say incessantly
An oxymoron that I’ve heard time and time again
But if I agree, then I’m the only one that’s wrong
And if I disagree, it’s “the ending that I’ve wanted all along”

Am I waiting for the same old fight again?
You’ve poked these holes in my heart with safety pins
Expect me to soak my battle wounds in juice ‘n’ gin
When it’s all over, I don’t need another ‘friend’
And when you go, surely I will let you be
But don’t expect to find ‘us’ alive in a future fantasy

Because I am waiting for you to finally be clear
And I am waiting for the last words that I’ll want to hear
Planned your routine until the cycle breaks down
If you were alone, then why was I always around?
And if I never truly cared right from the start
Could you honestly say you’d make it this far?
If you’ve done it all on your own with no one’s help
Maybe you should be fine to continue by yourself.

Somehow you’re always coming back to this
And I fill in the parts where irrationality would miss
Painted my story black and white and red so you could see
That there’s nothing between the lines you couldn’t read.

Here now
the pain of love’s bitter reality… surrounds me
But how
can they be better if love always leaves…
every time? (Lost in a fevered dream)
Every time.

But if we lie now, will we make it?
If it hurts, surely I can take it…
Is this really what we both need?

Is someone better who you’re dying to see
or is someone better who you’re trying to be?

Love, now
You’ve poisoned everything in my reprieve…
with insecurities
And now
You’ve returned with doubts, undoubtedly…
You’d love me (was it an opportunity?)
To hate me.

Is there someone better that you’re dying to meet
or are you waiting for someone better than me?
Will I be a better someone for setting you free
or am I someone better that I can’t see?

Someone better… (for the love that you need)
Someone better… (for the love that I seek)

Time and time again, you push me to the brink
To abandon ship and swim before we sink
But these thoughts don’t fade away when I sleep

Isn’t someone better who you’re supposed to be?

Because you were the one fall in love with me

The future is no surprise if you can predictably
say ‘someone better’ is someone I’m gonna meet?
Cause I’m sure as hell that someone better isn’t someone I need
If someone better is who you’re supposed to be.

Is someone better God has yet to create?
Because someone better always seems to escape
“Someone better” - an excuse to abandon and break
When you won’t accept your love’s been a mistake.

© 2015 Neal Emanuelson

The outer heart is dense
Made for nothing but defense
But every now and then, something pierces
But when it’s repairing the damage done
What of that which overcomes
It is constantly breaking through, creating lesions
So little the reparations mend
What little alive left to tend
When the tissue is dead and sordidly forgotten
Death will come from all that it's abandoned
Heartbeats constant yet instable
Will bring anyone down to their knees
Heartbeats that become unable
To liberate, only condemned to defeat
The outer heart shall rot and expose
What once was too precious to behold
Is now fighting until its last breath
Ill-prepared and defenseless still
Oft fueled by only pure will
Through all the abuse that the inner heart will suffer
None worse than sabotage by the love of another
Heartbeats lapsed, confused and fleeting
Destroyed after all it had found
Heartbeats faint, profuse bleeding
Drowning in pools on the ground

© 2015 Neal Emanuelson

I've swallowed whole my humble pie
For years now without remorse
I was content to leave it all as such
And let all things take its 'natural' course
But then I learned I could take a pen
And weave words around a rhythmic display
If it wasn't for that fateful chance
I wouldn't be half the man I am today

Because when I get sad, I close the door
And I cry
But when I get sad and think of these words
I get by

These words are my reconciliation
To a life in which I can relate
But I feel so shameful
When I chose mine
Because I chose mine

For years to come, I would covet this
A final poem, a final prose
And in the hours that past me by
I never seem to write any of those
These words I love to put to the test
As if tried and true never failed
And in my path comes consequence
of the catered streams where they wade
I've used them up, I've brought them down
On many, oft without mercy or delay
Without them, I'd never get this far
I'd never tell you in this way

But when I get here and close the door
I can get by
But when I'm alone with these words
I still cry

These words are my appreciation
Something I can dedicate
But it’s often so painful
When I chose mine
Because I chose mine

©2015 Neal Emanuelson