think my brain is sun-bleached
i haven't been outside in days
it's just sweat
just sweat
swimming in rivulets
down what's left
of my eyebrows
down what i haven't
pulled out yet

when i hold your hand
it feels like violets
like tasting strawberries
but i only feel it in my mind
it's only there projected on tile floors
on the cash register

if i was out of my head
i wouldn't have to just pretend
i could kiss you
but you're the only good thing
living in there.

tiny boxes hang suspended
rows of lemon moonlight
burning just in your honor
the stale air of the bathroom envelopes you

like a moth in a cocoon
you are pale and shivering
reckoning for space within this empty stall
you kick the door, bored, and rattle the lock
trapped in a silk shell of your own making
ready for release

the sound bounces off dusty ceramic tiles
your anxieties echoing against pastels
it feels like walking on egg shells
it feels like waiting to hatch
and there is a sort of elegance
to this game of waiting it out

the chill of the floor seeps in
you sit in a womb of ice
baby blue and cream and cold
and you won’t feel warm again
until class is over
and you slip slowly
out the door
out the hall and
fly.

the fishtank is whispering to me
i tell it i want to go home
the filter shudders a laugh
i am throwing myself against
concrete barriers to feel
blood gasping for breath but
i drown it in the shower
punishing tender flesh with the faucet  
if this place is supposed to be beautiful
no one told my heart
and I feel the weight of my ugliness
in the pit of my stomach
an egg hatching, shredding insides,
fully deserved.

A big forest
My mind gets lost in your eyes
And to be honest I dont care if I'm ever found

I thought we were playing hide and seek
But the roles were reversed
Because i was seeking love and happiness
And you were hiding
And i finally found you

I'll look at my life as not much when I die
As I do most days
But ill look back at the days months and years I spent with you
And make the executive decision that at that moment, things were okay

And I know in my last poem I said
That when you die you forget everything
If that's the case I hope we share a casket
Because I never
Ever
Ever
Want to forget your face

ill bite my lip
hard
i hate the taste of blood
but suddenly i need it
i need to feel it
on my tongue
down my throat
in my neck
red
like the sea that moses split
in the stories i used to believe and read as a child
but i dont read too much anymore
its a shame really
i could be so smart
wasted potential
i could be so **** smart
wasted space
I could be SO **** SMART
wasted air
I COULD BE SO ******* SMART
WASTED


and as i look back i see a shadow of who i once was
and a shadow of who i could be
and both of those shadows
both of those shadows
are much more beautiful than me

I set you on fire     
suddenly

its my fault
your flesh flakes off in
withering embers  
you are

an effigy of a supernova
cartilage between ribs sets off     
like firecrackers

I become the acrid scent of pretend
i am

dissipating smoke and sweat and
 *gone.