I am gone.
Adrift thru cold dead air,
Lost in the horizon.
There's no comfort,
No means of adaptation.
Only this void.
          this loveless space.
Out here I am forgetting you —
Slowly,
As my oxygen depletes.

This bed is like a coffin
With a burial each night.
I could tell you where
it all went wrong
But it wouldn't make it right.
I'm never worth
Remembering
You each showed me that.
With your pretentious self obsession
Words that always fell flat.
Each day is long and empty.
I cannot find my way,
So forgive me
Graciously
While I slowly fade away.

Your society
Created a
Vanity, so ugly it
Poisoned
punctured and
Primed
A youth.
Self-obsession
Attention starved
Cruel and mindless
inhumans.
Smartphones breeding
this dumb
Generation.
Martyrs,
On digital
crosses.
Look at me.
Define me.
Press "like".

I have outlived suffering,
I have endured pain.
I have gently walked
thru fire and rain.
I have swallowed anger,
I have eaten sin.
I have bled
and lost what lies within.
I have surpassed doubt,
I have suppressed blame.
I have taken stock
of what remains.
I have absorbed sadness,
I have taken loss.
I have appraised the damage
and paid the cost.
I have been loveless,
I have been true.
I will never
be beaten by you.

Early morning.
I hear a fox
Out in the cold, damp light.
Screeching.
Is his song,
Only for me?
A communiqué
Between worlds.
Beyond words.
A cry for help.
A reminder,
That chaos reigns.

All we have left are diversions,
To pass the time.
A pantomime reality,
Without function.
Without meaning.
Those jokes we shared,
Cutting the world down to size.
They aren't funny anymore.
That forgotten t-shirt —
The stray intimacies of lovers —
The lacerations in my skin —
The blood that I spill —
The ambulance ride —
The last face I'll ever see —
You.
My favourite girl,
My favourite hell.
Io fei gibetto a me de le mie case.
QUIT TORTURING YOURSELF.
QUIT TORTURING YOURSELF.
QUIT
TORTURING YOURSELF.
Quit torturing yourself.
Quit ******* trturing yrself.
Quit trtrng urslf.
Quit.
Quit.
...

Will the happy moments go,
Will the secrets start to show,
Will all words turn to lies,
Will there be x's in my eyes?

This sickened day.
Burrowing —
Further into shadow,
Further into regret.
A minus
Struck against my worth.
These sins —
These worthless aspects
Born into flesh.
Parceled to beyond.
Away.
Away.
You are all strangers
Blurry ghosts in the streets.
Was everything.
        too much
        to ask?
Who cares about the love?
Who cares about the tender words?
It was a lifetime ago.
I'm pointed to oblivion
                           without
return.

In contrast to my heart —
The days are warm
Sunrays wreak kind destruction
Upon just and unjust
Without favour
          or consideration.

The sickly light bathes us all
Without mercy
Exposing those
         who wish to remain hidden.

Winter in my heart, Summer eternally.

I found immortality in a dream
something something
A secret Beatles album,
Songs rearranged.
And though the answer quickly fades
I was glad to know.

I lost my job.
I lost control.
I lost my friends.
I lost my soul.
I lost my appetite,
My thirst.
I lost my blessings,
Found a curse.
I lost my dignity,
My pride.
I lost my heart.
I lost my mind.
I lost my vices,
Virtue too.
Nothing hurt —
Until I lost you.

You loved me,
Darkly.
Speaking in silent tongues.
Secrets
For us alone.
My stygian heart —
Exhumed,
Glorious in your rapture.
In you I am burning.
In you I understood.
Without you.
Lost,
Wandering.

He wanted to get up and run to her,
Now.
Emotional gravity.
There was no thought, only feeling.
No bags to be packed,
No flights to arrange,
Just an instinct to flee.
Regardless of location,
Without her — he was a stranger.
Run.
Don't look back,
She'll be waiting.

You can't know
The effect it had
Losing you
Tectonic plates shifting,
In agony
The love that protected me
Turned on its edge
Only now I saw that power
Raw and terrifying.
You can't know

The promise
of emptiness
Is no reward for
the miles you
Walked
on daggers.

It's quiet and cold inside.
Silent hostility,
Leaving me numb.
The misery breaks,
Washing away all trace of humanity.
This flood won't cleanse but eradicate.
All comfort and empathy denied.
Your words are empty missiles,
Leaving no trace of impact.
Cradle and embrace me,
But I can't feel you.

This is the ebb and flow of annihilation,
This is the will draining,
This is the light fading.

As I lose myself,
You never knew me.

It used to fill my chest
But now sinks sickly in my stomach
Shrinking daily
Cracked and wounded
Sorely shamed &
Counterfeit.

We never made it to the sea,
You and I.
I loved so deep that it left a scar.
The wreckage of my flesh,
Weeps crimson tears.
My sweet purgatory.
My damnation.
Cutting deeper —
Without price.
Without pain.
We never made it to the sea,
But I am drowning.

I hate this world
of noise
and greed
That grows
much smaller with
each day.
Terror
Is the dawn
Of light,
Solitude serves
To shape the clay.
I fight
Though there is
Nothing left,
Struggle yields to
Slow decay.
Remember me
As darkness blooms
Know
My heart has
gone away.

When
I'm at my emptiest,
I long to lose
Myself in physical
Ecstasy.
Desperate
yearning
extinguished
Through
flesh on flesh.
******* passion
Throats ripped,
Blood pours.
Devouring
your entirety
On a wave of
Nothingness.
I ache
to feel
Something.

I miss the rush
ov blood
    each orgiastic slip
Leading to
Hot Skin
Pressed. Burning against me.
enwrapped.
I want it so
This suffocation
Will drag you under
With delight
A filthy ache
Blissful
Annihilation
Between her thighs
With sweetness
Claw and tooth
wild desire
Her eyes on mine
(piercing my heart).
Urging me
With stinging
tongue
      and gasoline.     upon the flames.

This regret,
This division.
Love's exit wound.
A fragmented heart —
Good but now damaged,
Weary.
Buckled under the weight
Of sweet intention.
Perfect vows.
Empty exhalations
In crystal air.
Beautiful in their impotence.
Hurried
last
gasps.
Needles in skin.
Pricking tenderly,
A gentle torment.
Like lips on skin.

I hope Death is like the sea,
Vast, endless.
So I can float on
Raging waves.
No land in sight,
Just
Magnificent,
Infinite
glory.
And we are
Never afraid.

Every day is silently ending.
While your love remains,
Embedded like a splinter
—  in my heart.
You taught me so much.
Each day a lesson.
                  a blessing.
                  a joy.
I'm enraptured,
Helpless.
In the dying light.

I'm sorry if I can't remain.
It's always winter,
Without you.

I'm vexed to stay
waking up
With a head full of holes.
Each day repeats its
Punishment
For things I can't recall.
Sleep till midday,
Curse the days wide expanse.
Scrape words from my skull,
Chop meat from my bones,
Sew my mouth shut.
Still it's not enough.
Trying to reach you
But there's no forgiveness
for this clumsy emotion.
I'm a cold fish,
Or loving beyond control.
Hold me, generously
Undo my buttons —
                  talk *****.
Lose control and find me.
I was something once.

I hid you under layers
Bright lies I told myself
In order to forget.
The words you sent
Once catalogued & treasured
Stopped my progress
Or the days that passed.
My eyes closed
Trying to unthink you —
A ghost in the attic,
The pain I can't be without.
I erased emails.
Messages.
Phone numbers.
My heart. My soul.
Yet you still remain.

I want to be gone.
Erased from lives and history.
No pain,
No regrets.
No stinging hearts,
No pointed fingers.
No variables.
No guilt.
I added up to nothing.
0.00 recurring.
Each phantom day,
Each worthless minute.
Please let it end.
Without
Consequence.
Without
Meaning.
Without
Me.

Cracks appear in skin
Lines swallowing light
As the years bleed
                    Into nothing.
No love will tend these
Wounds. This damage is
irreversible.
No balm will show me
mercy.
These fissures yield no blood,
No illustration of pain.
This is my final
Transmutation.
From stone — into dust.

You see love.
You see kindness.
A version distorted
Through wondrous eyes.
Is it false representation
Or a temporary form?
What you see
won't keep you warm.
Keep looking and you will see,
The ugly horror inside me.

You spare me a minute.
Some words,
Casual sentiment with hooks.
***'s marking my demise —
Buried in self-pity and hope.
Who believes those sappy love flicks?
Heartthrob, tragedy and love saves the day!
Beginning, middle, end.
Counterfeit.

Never.
Seen.
It.
Happen.

Love bleeds,
Dying on the vine.
In truth, there are no happy endings.
Just endings.

**** "romance"
**** flowers
**** the minutes
**** the hours
**** the greedy
**** the smug
**** the lonely
**** the loved
**** the gorgeous
**** the ugly
You never meant
that much to me
**** Cupid
**** lust
**** fakery
**** trust
**** Hallmark
**** affection
**** guilt
**** expectation
**** devotion
**** foreplay
But most of all —
**** VALENTINE'S DAY

The walls are dripping black
My inner monologue
A flat, dull rasp.
My heart
Like the flicker of a dying candle
Happy to fade.
There is nothing left
                nothing to lose
                               to keep me safe.
You think I'm here
Playing those endless ******* games
Keeping score.
No
I've written my goodbye
Carved in flesh.
Idling,
Between Scylla and Charybdis
Just for kicks.
Courting the waves
In final damnation
Yours sincerely.
My empty gaze
This twitching wound
Your cruel tongue.

This loveless shell
Has
no pulse,
Just an ache.
Has
no emotion,
Only time.
No more friends.
No desire.
Countless scars.
Left in howling night,
infinitive.
Stripped.
Anonymous.
Wanting.
I'm not
afraid to die.
But mercy terrifies.
Euthanize
this wounded beast.


I am a ghost in your wake.

I slept all day and
swam beneath black waves,
Neither alive nor drowning
Just hidden from harm.
Safe within the
nothingness,
Free from guilt & pain
Absolved from burden,
Never wanting to find
my way back
To bitter consciousness.

I can't explain
My foolish intrigue
Your words are
Kisses stitched into skin.
You leave me
Branded,
Waiting to be known.
****** but not forgotten.
I lose each waking dream
Only to begin anew —
Loveless. Irrational.
Would you want
a hapless man
Who
wandered from the path?
Can you
understand the pain
that forces me to laugh?
I want to belong
In your smokey realms
Conjured at your fingertips
Reckless inbetween
your thighs.

It's easy
Why are you so sad?
Cheer up!
Buck up,
It's like you're
not even trying.
Quit moping
Quit thinking
Smile,
It's your
own happiness
You're denying.
Some people
have real problems,
You're just faking.
Positivity
cures
all.
Quit your
bellyaching.

We hear this all the time,
Do you think it really helps?
Those endless
thoughtless platitudes
You spit when
we get sore
Maybe if you understood.
Maybe if you knew.
You'd talk a little less,
and listen a little more.

I was once something
more.
A man, vibrant in heart
Passion.
Unremarkable tho
genuine
    gentleman,
Maybe not so
gentle.
Red in tooth and
claw.
Strong enough to
give,
As good
As I got.
Until
Invisible harm
Undid this
charm.
day by day
Turning
grey.
Until nothing remained
left unshamed.
of me.
Now I'm just a shadow
At each feast,
Little left of man
Just beast.
Nothing left to love
at least.
Invisible.
Unseen.
Bleeding out.
Without
a doubt.

In your wake.
                I'm dead and gone.
                You left
My love in ruins.
Choices born in silence,
Old schemes replaced
With new ones.
I'd ask if you were happy now.
But you'd never reply.
Even if you answered me —
I'd only hear a lie.
I thought I loved a lioness,
Brave and true in word.
You turned an honest love to ash,
My fate was undeserved.
Now within my hollow chest,
Lies coiled a rattlesnake.
Only fit to hurt and spit,
A poisonous mistake.
The victim to your cruel heart,
                   I wish for some reprieve.
                   I dream beyond this ugly place —
Though I can never leave.

In this low permanence
I miss my desire —
The luxury of sin
That filled the void
Between pain and loss.
The blissful anaesthetic
of your mouth,
Always hungry
Bitter in its vulgarity
Unafraid.
In those moments
we were endless,
Aching into oblivion.
I don't care what you want
Just tell me,
Your secrets
Moaning sweet obscenities
in my ear.
I don't miss the feelings,
Your hand in mine.
Just those three little words.

I remember sunlight
On my skin,
I remember feeling I was alive.
I remember your
Warm engulfing touch.
I remember feeling less alone.
I knew these
Moments would be gone.
I knew that I'd be
Swallowed whole.
It was always
A dream, within a dream.
A precognitive unreality.
The good times —
Just a sham. Giving way
To my true damnation.
It's all just a joke.
A sweetly whispered torment,
A loveless Siren song.

Oh **** your heart!
It didn't care at all.
You left me in
The gutter
But couldn't stand to watch
                                          me fall.
The words we shared
Were meaningless.
All truths
Are null and void.
I guess it didn't matter,
You weren't the one being destroyed.
So run!
And call it mercy
If it helps you sleep at night —
You can rename an atrocity
But it'll never make it right.

Don't open your eyes
Today.
Don't stir from thoughtless
Slumber.
Each word you say is wrong.
Each choice that's made  — a blunder.
Don't try to give your all today
For it won't be enough.
Don't fight against this devil dog
It's bark is not a bluff.
Just go and hang your weary head
Perhaps go back to bed.
You might not win each battle,
So win the war instead.

It's easy to forget,
To become lost.
To sidestep this wound,
To smile,
To subvert,
To walk away.
To reject the pain of being a man.
To choose my monstrous shadow,
A cocoon.
Pale and absent.
Without consequence.
Without emotion.
Without need.
To stride across burning bridges.
Impervious.
And
never
look
back.

Sorry. I fell back into
decay.
All silence hides its meaning
Words would fail,
If you knew them.
Your hand will slip from mine.
Boredom will excuse you.
As will I.
Under sapped skies
I watched them leave,
Each more precious than
The last.
I'm never going back.
They made their peace
By lying through their teeth.
Roses in the hospital,
Promises only last so long.

She is gone.
Pack importance neatly away,
Strike dumb the dialogue,
Blur the details,
Lay dreams in the dark.
Dismantle the stage,
Make each player retire,
Tear up scripts,
Hush all ad libs and quips.
Lose joy in white noise,
Forget breath,
**** desire —
Let all souls expire.
No beauty awaits,
Beyond pearly gates.
Kick out the chair,
Let me swing in dead air.

This pain,
This addiction.
A love letter —
Carved in skin.
A ****** red itch.
Undenied.
My scars are medals,
Tragic measurements.
Sickening,
Precise in their torment.
Self-loathing.
Self-inflicted.
Self-destruct.

I don't know how it happened.
This leviathan,
Dismissed so casually.
All glory —
Now fading and unknown.
Promises emptily rescinded,
Without consequence.
Without care.
The woman only known in my arms.
Now happy without this tender embrace.
One of us in ruins.
One of us reborn.
All passion and fury denied...
Rendered in pity,
Shameful and frail.
Once a lion,
Once a titan,
Once a myth!
Now a fool.
You are the hunger I never knew.
The night rain.
The stars.
What is left without you?
Only disgrace,
Only mourning.
Empty breath.

I regret nothing.

The world without you
                    would seem so bare.
Your quiet musings,
Tiny congregations.
Unnoticed,
Always present.
Like a gentle heartbeat
A fragile throb of life.
To and fro —
Beyond our mortal realm.
Secrets and wonder
In plain sight.

**** the truth
**** the lies
**** the stupid
**** the wise
**** uncertainty
**** pain
**** your face
**** your name
**** the narrative
**** intent
Your love never
left a dent
**** the pills
**** the symptoms
**** logic
**** religion
**** your friends
**** the games
**** the cause
**** the blame
**** malice
**** fear
But most of all —
**** NEW YEAR