In the mirror
I'm so white
whiter than white
whiter than a ghost
who got drunk
on a litre of white paint
dried out in chalk
written on a whiteboard

whisper

white clouds
that couldn't storm
I'm nothing
but a pasty faced
nothing

...

I sailed off
white as a sheet
pulled white surf
over my head

that night
I called
just whispering
rescue
arrived
and pulled me out of it

you showered me
inn kisses
booked for the night
which got quite..
loud

smacked my bottom
good and proper
like mummy and daddy
never did
and I was surprised
I wasn't pained any more

in the morning
you towelled me down
everything tingling

and after you left
I checked out
the mirror glowing
cheekily
and my chest was there
red faced to be alive

so for hours after
I couldn't sit and cry
because I was reminded
I wasn't all white
just happy
being sore with myself

every lifeboat
should have a paddle

Put Body here
so I did

but I don't always
just obey
I'm asked on first dates
to lay it down
to put it out there
I don't
show some respect
you Body idiot
go home

but I put I here

having only one Body
is better than no Body
but the best
is an I Body

if more could see that
they would see more of that
but only on the second date
when you put it that way

I might even put it to you
that
I hear
and obey

is that naughty
of my Body?
so it did

it's good to follow your body
and not your mind
once my mind's made up
I can put it your way

To,
All the flowers whose petals I have plucked,
If I only knew He never really truly loved,
To all the tyres I burned,
If I only knew they wouldn't change their minds ,
To all the trees I had cut down,
If I only knew my book wasn't to be published.

Therefore;
To all the mothers that cried because of me,
If I only held patience rather; when their Child bullied me,
To all my loved ones I say sorry,
If you only knew I could never change truly,
I'm sincerely sorry.

No,
To all the teachers I spoke behind,
No, You were never that; of an ingenious mind,
To all those friends I lost, because of my losing temper,
If I only knew, you weren't as forgiving as my mother.

If only,
All the loss my body had to bear,
And the Childish trinkets my body had to fear,
How heedlessly and needlessly wasted, were my tears,
I knew,
I'm deeply sorry.

To all my guides who thought I aimed at nothing but the best,
If they only knew how afraid I was of my everyday life test,
I'm but sorry.

This is my body.
I am
Skin and bones.
Flesh and sin.
I am doing my best.
And I am finally learning that
If I am not good enough for you
Or you
Or you
It is not my problem to become good.
I am what I am.
I am this story and its pale slipcover
Covered with words that my skin drinks in.
Ink is toxic
But love burns more,
And I am starting to know the unsettling truth that has been hiding
In my marrow for years:
I am no addict.
I am afraid,
But I am not dependent.
I need nothing but these feet to kiss the ground
And this heart to love the world.
The faces I've chosen to worship
Are starting to blend and meld.
The universe is beginning to have its own visage
In every person I meet,
And suddenly they can all mean anything
And none of them
Can mean everything.
And that is a loss, yes, it's a loss of faith
Of a stubborn longing I have served for years
That one set of eyes may outshine the others.
But the truth is that anything holy that I have ever touched
I have made so with my fingertips.
Anyone lovely I have ever adored
I have painted with my heart.
We are alone again,
Me and my bone-white sheath,
And we look forward.
Today somebody told me that no love is worth it
If it ever hurts you.
What a concept, what a dream- it stopped me dead.
A person whose touch brought no pain?
And I thought on the possibility for a moment,
And realized that the only people who could ever hope to give and get no pain in love
Are those who dwell beneath gravestones in the silent fields
And never touch at all.
Bravery is stepping forward into a brutal world
Knowing that it WILL change you
That it will mar you
That it will
Eventually
Claim you
And stepping forward anyhow.
Here I am in my moonlight skin, soft and delicate and easily punched through
Like a paper lantern
But what have I to fear
When the only thing I know about this world
Is that it will **** me someday?
The only thing I can be certain of is that I will lose all of this,
And so I am free to enjoy it as I please,
Knowing that I suffer no punishment
Only inevitability
Only
Nature.
I step on.
I surge on.
I have learned in these weeks
How to stand before the world
My naked soul
Shining in the sun
And be unashamed of my fragility.
I have learned and it has seeped inside of me
And I have cast off a veil I have clung to like death
A shroud I've hidden beneath
And for the first time in a long time
I stand, unconcealed.
This is my body.
And I am
Undaunted.

sit down under trees
pull me over your knees
don't say please
kiss me
and I'll kiss you

walk dark alleyways
push my shoulders forcefully
up against the wall
kiss me
and I'll kiss you

where grassy fields are found
run me to ground
like I'm some foxy blonde
kiss me
and I'll kiss you

take me dancing tonight
sweep me off my feet
like I'm a feather in the light
stagger and drop me
and I'll drop you

I'm not that fat
*surely?!

We both felt
the crumbling
rabbits heard
the sheep bleat
the rumblings
that had no stomach
for what eagle's eyed
ahead

but neither spoke

we kept standing and looking
for quite a while
as if staring at the tumbled rocks
would cause a path to appear
as if this were Narnia
somewhere
entranced

someone had to break
the deadlock
move the mountain
over the mouse
and move on

I did
deciding the end
going from shared
friends
straying from the flock
through an open wound
and it hurt
back to what was
almost
eyre
then my sole
gently turned over
a new soft leaf
but it bothered me
even now

I want his look
not his favourite Ironman T-shirt
I'm not an Irongirl
I'm not an iron anything sort
I want him creases and all
not his “to infinity” golden band
it has the ring of something too definite
I want him here
“and beyond”
just how far
I'm not yet sure about
not his ultra clean pair
of New Balance sports shoes
I'm not the run around sort
wet trackies pants hot and loose
I want him caught off balance
bare footed on the grass

I want his look
and when he gives it
straight back
into my eyes
I know what...

I'll look away at the skies
and hope beyond hope
he'll interpret my act
ironman out my shyness
ring the changes I want
and run beneath my disguise
to find an orange not a lemon

only trouble is
I think he won't
because at this early stage
we don't have much in common

O ******
he's looking...
                                    the sky's so bright!
like he's going to...
                                     I squint!
                                     blind!
                                     eyes shut!
be just my...
                                      I'm so silly!
.... dotage
huh! maybe I should try...
courage?
a comic character?
hypnotism?
an older age?