I punched a wall today
to feel something beside the grey
tired of the constant mask you have to put on for approval
because that face behind the mask is Not fine
I am insane due to the erosion of my emotions
now my fist is black and blue but hey my hand does not wear the mask my face does

You don't understand
the joy it would bring
to just hear you, from you
I miss you
and that makes me weak
but I cant save myself anymore

The way I explain this day is the nose sting you get before tears
the rush to your face
so hey happy birthday ..
It is your last and no one will admit it
no one will make any noise related to this
I cant
think about putting  you in the ground after this day just don't go
because I need you
let me be selfish

I dear self am stuck in time
day to day feel like a reverse button was pushed
that everyday I exist but do not live
the outside perspective
and the same day routine are drowning
all my hope and happieness
myself slowly becoming irrelevant

That feeling when you aren't really sad
but you just feel really empty.
when they ask "how are you doing"
but really mean are you over it
when you have heard the line
''just doing it for attention''
When you just don't feel good enough
no matter how hard you try
me too .

''Are you ready for the future''
are you ready for things to change
for loss and gain
Because I am not,
but even being ready for the future doesn't make it not come