The anger boiled up again.
I wondered whether it would ever go away.
What was it about all this
That triggered me so intensly?
Was it just frustration?
Or was it frustration
Boiling up from helplessness?
I was powerless against the flash backs.
Powerless against my past, my mistakes,
My inability to allow harm on others.

But I was still here.
Where do I go from here?
What is anger?
Is it simple self-defence?
And if so, against what?
I was trying to find reasons for my pain
Only to realise, that there is none.
Because there is no reason within me
Because I was not the root cause.

It wasn't until I opened my eyes
To the reasons of others
That I realised, that it had nothing to do with me.
I let the pain die away
I was the collateral damage
Of someone else's inner war.
So I removed myself
In understanding that I would never grow sick from this...
They would grow sick from having done what they did.

And in that moment, I felt compassion.

I forgave.

The fear never left
I could still lose everything
To someone else's inner war.
So then what is fear...?

As I sat there
Doing the same **** thing
All those who are in recovery do...
Watching tv, you know
When I'm not sleeping.
I stroked my arm
As I often do
Maybe just to check
That my skin in still warm
Or to have the sensation
Of feeling myself
I felt something I haven't felt in years.

I felt the round healthy curves
Of the bones on my shoulders.
And I felt my recovery
For what seemed to be
The very first time.
The mindsets were there
I'm looking forward.
I'm planning for the future
And although I occasionally feel weak,
I've come to have peace with that.

Recovery happens in small steps
So I just whisper it to myself
Through the cold sweat,
"Endure it... Baby steps..."
I soothe myself
Today I know what happened
Even though I don't know everything
I've come to know myself.
And I'm happy with who I am.

I did not learn
What you wanted me to.
However I touched your pain
Took it in as my own.
Carried it for a minute or a moment
The kind that feels like forever.
I shed your tears through my own eyes
And whispered the words,
The very same words that
Were the first ones to escape my lips
As I was an infant.
thank you
Thank you for sharing your pain
The same way, my pain was shared to you.
I would never see the world
The way you did
Unless I looked through your eyes.
I will not burden myself
With the hell that has been reintroduced to me.
I do not deserve such pain.
Nor do you.
So I will let it pass along
Like water under the bridge
And continue to love you
From the depths of who I am,
From the heart I share with you.
Turn my suffering in to gratitude
And send my wish in to the universe
To some day, kiss your hands and dry your eyes.

She fell and broke her life
People rushed to help
It was touch and go for a time
The surgeon had to amputate
But he was finally removed
The recovery was long
Sometimes she felt he was still there
Touching her inside
Messing with her head
They said this would happen
Such intensity is bound to leave scars
But they would heal
Someday another would come along
She would be stronger.

A quick exit
That's what they promised me
But I never took that road.
One exit turned in to another
The numbers rolled up to hundreds.
So I took none.
Let it be a testimonial
To how much I love you
And how much you mean to me.

Someone once said
That trauma memory is like a high way
For the trucks that pick up and deliver memories
To the consciousness.
And trauma memory is right behind
That road blockage from the town of horrors.
And an alternative route has not been provided
So the answer to your question is
I don't remember
Nobody is going in or out.

But today I do remember.
I know it all.
If not in words or just a knowing,
Then in images or a sensation.
The blockage to my mathematical thinking
Was blown to pieces only reveal
That not only can I do math
But that I've always been talented.
My grades never showed it
But my reasoning always has.

Let it be known that to me
You are the Pytagoras Theorem
And that one angle I loved dearly
But never calculated
Until you gave me the motivation to.
It was in that one stroke
Of the softest hand on my cheek
That inspired forgiveness
That inspired trust.
And knowing how badly we were targeted.

Now I know how much I put you through
But let it be a testimonial
Of how much pain, our love could inspire
And how much pain our love could endure.
Let it be known that I'm free
Of the projection of your image on to others.
Let it be known, that I'll always be that girl with a pencil behind her left ear...
Because I was left handed... most of the time.

It was Belgium versus Poland.
The teams were exquisite
Both ferocious and skilled
Nothing if not the sweetest exhibits of creation
Each in their own way.

If only I had been equipped
For what was coming my way.
The flesh is weak and I'm nothing if not human.
Yet your Slavic features quickly made way
For whatever it is, that Belgium is made of.

I lost myself that day...
Not to either of you but to myself.
To whatever it is
That my mournful past is made of.
I suffered my pain for months on end
To one day find the pain missing.

I was no longer a victim of anyone.
Not myself nor was I any longer
A pawn in a game
That had been played in various minds for years.
Most of all in my own.

All is fair in love and war...
But why does there have to a war
To make something so right happen?
Who's Yin and who's Yang?
Or are we all just storms
Colliding in to each other
Time after time
Until justice has been served?

And why would there have to be a war in order to establish justice in the first place?
I've been in over my head for years.
However I'm in deep gratitude
That my lunacy has been made to look so peaceful.
Suffered in silence like I said I would
But there's a paradise in my head, in my heart,
The kind I've touched before...

He was soft and warm
Everything I ever wanted but was never blessed to have or to hold.