Part of me doesn’t even remember what it feels like to be in love. But another part of me finds it difficult to forget.

Sometimes I feel nothing but independence and I can’t possibly begin to remember how I felt when my life, my feelings, my mind were intertwined with another person who influenced every thought, every feeling, and every decision. I can’t possibly fathom what it felt like when life now is so impossibly different and intertwined lives have extra-twined themselves back into separation.

Then, there are the moments when everything is back. The moment  when the man behind the college booth tells a too-long story and he pronounces a word the way you used to. Which takes me back to that night on the phone when you told me a too-long story but I gripped every word with my fist and held it close to my heart, and I felt the words grow like vines up my arms and wrap themselves around my heart, and I warned myself not to forget the way you said those words and the emotion I heard in them. And I told myself not to forget every pause you took because I wanted to find the things you said in silence. I remember every time I looked at you, every time we shared a glance. The moment that we decided we were having more fun than any other two people in the entire world. The moment we discussed the fact that we must be meant for each other, because obviously no one else could understand what the two of us knew to be true without ever conveying it in words. And there are the moments where I remember how horrific it all was. I sit in a place on my floor that I’ve sat on a thousand times and all of a sudden I’m reminded of the time I sat on that floor and cried for 12 hours straight. I remember every time you had that tone and every time it broke me down. I remember every time you left, every time I missed you, every time I would have given anything to take it back, to have you there, to say one more thing, to tell you I loved you. How much it hurt. How much you hurt. How much I hurt you. I never knew I could experience such sadness, such ecstasy.

But still, those moment of rememberence are fleeting. Most of the time I can’t believe we ever felt that way. We are disconnected. We have lost it.

I will find it again.

his breath staggered and clothes tattered
my body battered and thoughts scattered
i ate so much i drank so much
i kissed so much i hate so much
and all your tears caressed the inside of your eyelids
but mine burned holes in your jeans
you were the hole in my jeans and you ripped me up like the lyrics to that **** nirvana song you were so dramatic about
our memories are in fragments at our feet and in pools that flow into oceans

I’m afraid that twin size beds will always be
that morning I snuck into your room while you were still
sleeping
and you were so peaceful that half of me didn’t want to disturb you
but the other half wanted to kiss you so badly
and just had to take advantage of the fact that
that was allowed

and I fell into your bed
and you fell into me
we were so happy to be two things that could fall into each other
without any warning signs
or inhibitions

twin size beds will always be
the way it felt when your fingers grazed the skin on my bare back
the way my daddy used to do when I was
tiny
when times were simple, before we fought every day

twin size beds will always be the stretch of silence
that followed the eager removal of my clothes
which I loved
but I loved the silence more
and we were comfortable and we were so so happy

twin size beds will always be how
that morning felt

a glimpse into how much greatness we could be
how much we could accomplish
how many twin size days were stretched out before us
if we only put in the effort to seize them

I’m for self expression. I’m for music. I’m for doing covers of songs even if they’re not your style. I’m for dreaming up your whole future romance with every person you’ve ever met. I’m for writing it all down, even if it’s embarrassing. I’m for reading it over any chance you get. I’m for writing poems in notebooks. I’m for pretending the lines aren’t on the paper. I’m also for using the lines like they’re the law. I’m for loving artists on the Top 40. I’m for loving artists with only 40 fans. I’m for your favorite book. I’m for your favorite color. I’m for all of the colors. I’m for challenging yourself. I’m for sitting around and doing nothing until it feels right. I’m for believing in things we can’t see. I’m for the ocean. I’m so for the ocean. I’m for rainy days almost as much as I’m for sunny days. I’m for letting yourself fall in love. I’m for writing about it. I’m for writing about all of it. I’m for my blog. I’m probably for your blog too. I’m for the stuffed animal your ex gave you that you didn’t have the heart to throw out. I’m for sleeping with that stuffed animal on your weakest nights. I’m for the weak moments. I’m for the strongest moments. I’m for being honest even if it doesn’t seem like a good idea at the time. It’s the right thing to do. I’m for happiness in all its many forms. I’m for letting sadness be felt when it deserves to be. I’m for coffee. I’m for tea. I’m for you and I’m for me. I’m a lover and a fighter and a stay up all nighter. My dreams are dreams and my fears are fears and I would have kissed you if I wanted to. My past is mine along with my future. I’m hanging on, I’m surging ahead, I’m climbing up, I’m falling down. You never saw me coming. You never saw me leave. I’m for living. I’m here for life.

i close my eyes
the water rushes into my lungs
threatens to choke me
to drown me
to take me under

i feel the waves
pushing me around
i start to suffocate
bruised and scarred
salty water, unforgiving

“this is a journey”
i hear
all of a sudden i am eyes opening
i am spitting water out of lungs
i am looking my fears in the face
i am fearless

the way i feel when that song is playing
and your body is near mine but not touching
and your mind is wandering god knows where
and my mind is trying to play catch up
and i'm sure your heart is beating
somewhere in your chest
but i can't hear it
i know it's there
i feel you there
i close my eyes and the rhythm of your thoughts is rocking me into a state much sweeter than sleep
my home is far
far
away but I like this much better
i like you more than home
i like you more than i've ever liked
you can have all of me if i can have half of you
you can keep all of me and leave me with nothing
you can cut me open and rip me up and use my parts for your service
and you can leave me broken and stranded
you can kiss my lips one last time before you become the voice of a ghost in the attic
whatever you want to do, i want you to do it
whatever you do
it will be worth it because of the way i feel when
that song is playing
and your body is near mine but not touching
and your mind is wandering and someday i might catch up
one day i will catch up

if you choose to accept her heart
then you have chosen a lifestyle

your breaths are no longer your own
your movements must be carefully calculated

you let her in
you signed up for this

and once you accept her heart
there is no going back

you are hooked
and you are staying

and the word "no" means nothing
and the word "go" means nothing

your feelings are no longer your own;
you belong to another

choose wisely