You didn't know me in the days when I was unstoppable,
back in the days when frenetic energy propelled me
forward and forward and forward and
the weight of everyone else's anger hadn't yet
yoked me. I had enough momentum to keep pulling
for a while. My sorry bones have since been crushed.
An endless parade of people who insisted they
knew better has climbed on my back to reach
new heights. Without fanfare, I got used to sitting
on the floor. These days, you'll find me mourning at
the altar of my wasted youth, picking myself apart
again and again and again, wondering where I lost
the thread. These days, you'll find me flat on my back
in the dirt, reaching lamely for the sky, trying to
remember who I used to be.

I have been trying to extract
Revenge
From my own flesh
Greeting every midnight with the frenzy
Of an immortal who has seen
Too many sunrises
This is mania that
Burns down my throat and
Breathes in my ear and
Bleeds out dizzy secrets in the back of a cab

When you swept through and left me hollow
I was already primed to starve
And you, consumed by the same mania,
Had us hurtling through the night like this moment could
Never end
You extracted the brilliant stardust I offered in the dull city
And left sweet whispers all over my kitchen floor

I watched each one dissolve
Like spun sugar
Until I could have sworn I'd imagined it all

My ancestors would have burned you for less
Sent your ashes scattering to whatever
Vengeful god
Would take them
And I feel a thrumming in my veins
Calling for a sacrifice
So I hope the spectre of this moment never leaves you
Trails its icy fingers down your neck at every midnight
And coats your skin with sickly stickiness
Leaves you feverish and frantic
When you remember
All the shining things that could have been
If your words had had substance

You were the wall I planned to keep
Breaking myself against
A breathless distraction to chase the
Thoughts right out of my head
Glassy-eyed
I wanted to run wild with you all night
I wanted all your pretty nonsense to be real
And if I had to bet
On every bone in my body
I'd say the same was true of you

It's a shame you left me to my own devices
For we sketched such a beautiful
Delusion

Tell me,
What are the chances of a lightning strike?
I found myself staying out all night,
Chasing the forked streaks
Until I collided with you
—I always did want to believe in Fate—
So maybe I had glitter in my eyes
Or maybe we out-dazzled the stars.

Tell me,
How do you think this ends?
I've felt the sparks biting my skin,
Delirious like a fever dream.
Words are such flimsy anchors at the break of dawn
And I wonder
If we'll stay to set the sky on fire
Or blow away like ash.

This wild heart
Will be too much for tame mortals
For those who never taught themselves
To howl out all their pain
Passion is a terror
Because it claws you open
Yet I have been facing my fears
I have stood here
Offering all that I am
Knowing that too many
Will shrink back into themselves
This glimpse of something real sends them running
Back to cold, familiar artifice
It reminds them
That denial is a comfort

Someday
When you try to convince me
That I never exposed my fiery heart
I'll look to my cleaved ribs
And recognize the soothing lie you've woven

It was never the searing heat that got me
Nor the heights
I have always known I could fly
Even if mud-caked mules tried to convince me
That I was doomed to be earthbound
No
The atmosphere was choking me
Down here with my demons and dilemmas and denials
So despite desperate braying
I unfurled fragile wings and
Soared
Caught an updraft
Until I had outrun it all
Until all I could hear was my own thundering heart
Hammering my problems to pixie dust

It was the shimmering
That was my first undoing
Enamored
I crowned myself queen in the clouds
Swirled in gilded revelry
And smiled lazily at this sweat-slicked kingdom
Even knowing that someday
Someday
Gravity would have its way
But up here
Force and the laws of physics
Seemed too far to ever catch me
Here
Where everything was lined with silver
I thought I could trick Fate
Into handing someday to someone else

In the end
The shock of the fall
Was because it wasn't on my to-do list
I was still reveling
Reckless in the radiance
Basking in the sun
And running from all the things
That had kept me up at night
Holding court in my cloud castle
Imagine my surprise
When I realized I hadn't outpaced them all
That feeling of the floor falling out from under me
When one caught me by the wings
And yanked
Fate, it seemed, would not be denied
Had to be paid Her somedays
In full
As I tumbled into gravity's clutches
I wondered if this time
This time
Would be when I'd stop learning the hard way
If someday my lessons could be coaxed from me gently
Rather than ripped from me screaming
If a different kind of someday could find me
As I lay
Bruised and bewildered
In the mud