7 days ago

Patiently, we waited,
In large, expectant crowds,
On cue, the Moon obscured the Sun,
But we couldn't see a thing for clouds.

I hope others had a better view.
I saw bugger all.
Mar 19

With photo-fits and actors,
The cases were revealed,
Then Shaw would ask if we could help,
And tell us to "keep 'em peeled".

RIP Shaw Taylor (1924-2015)


And here's Shaw sending himself up on Tiswas. What a sport!

Mar 10

Of Corrie's entire cast,
Gail has the most tragic past,
Most men that she meets,
Are cads, crooks and cheats,
So let's hope she's found true love at last.

Even by the standards of Soap Opera, Coronation Street's Gail McIntyre seems to be extraordinarily unlucky in love. As I watched her SIXTH wedding day descend into chaos, I therefore decided to write a limerick in her honour. For those unaware of her unfortunate back-story, the following page describes some of her previous romantic disappointments.

Feb 13

Step aside, you little man,
With your dull, suburban life.
Adonis has just landed,
And he's come to take your wife.

She mounts his massive chopper,
They lift up to the sky,
He whisks her off to Paris,
She's so happy she could cry.

First, he takes her shopping,
For lingerie and shoes,
Some handbags and a Blackberry,
Whatever she may choose.

Then it's back to his place,
The wine goes to her head,
Manfully, he carries her,
To his four poster bed.

Romantically, he whispers,
Of Tallis and of Tess,
Suggests she signs a contract,
And then tears off her dress.

He strips her and he whips her,
Yet still she screams for more,
His wild and brutal spanking,
Unlocks her inner whore.

A feminist for all her life,
Yet now she is enslaved,
She satisfies his every wish,
No matter how depraved.

The school run is a world away.
And so are thoughts of you.
She's escaped her former life,
And thinks she's twenty two...

Chapter after chapter,
Of unrelenting SEX,
He's young and rich and powerful,
With perfect arse and pecks!

But eventually, it's over,
The pages are no more.
She crashes back to planet Earth,
And hears you fart and snore.

With all of the hype surrounding the release of Fifty Shades of Grey, I decided to re-post this.

Dedicated to the partners
of the readers
of erotic fiction.
Feb 5

Like me, they love to wag their tails,
And run about the street,
Yet still, I often wonder,
Why is it they can't bleat?

Jan 26

As the guests arrive
The hostess is in her element
Queen of her domain
...Or is it the sitting room?

Anyone for gin and tonic?

But as the evening wears on
The polite smiles
Of the mismatched couple
Dissolve with the drink

Cheesy pineapple one?

And when the sniping starts
The others are caught in the cross-fire
As they sit
On the couch
...Or is it the sofa?

Who's for a top up?

Things get nasty
He snaps at her
And she spits venom
From her very beautiful lips.

Go on, have a cigarette!

And in between
The barbed comments
The vicious put downs
And the excruciating anecdotes
Which go nowhere...

Are those moments
Which pass in seconds
(But feel like hours)
Where there is nothing
But awkward silence...

-Broken only
By the sound of music
Coming through the wall

From Abigail's Party.

RIP Demis Roussos (1946-2015)

Jan 25

Who better to visit this distant place,
Than the man who found it was there?
There'll be time to sample the atmosphere,
Then go on to who knows where...

To comment on this poem, please log in or create a free account
Log in or register to comment