Dec 3, 2016

On the English Riviera,
Off a backstreet called the M5,
There's a hotel run by Basil,
The most obnoxious man alive.

He doesn't like psychiatrists,
Or any other kind of guest,
And he can't tell a peer from a pilferer,
Or a light switch from a breast.

The waiter's from Barcelona,
And tries as best he can,
But sadly he "knows nothing",
So things never go to plan.

You can order a Waldorf Salad,
And a Screwdriver with your meal,
Perhaps the "Siberian Hamster",
Or the Japo-Norwegian veal.

The duck is a trifle scarce at times,
And the chef's drunk all the wine,
But the kippers are to die for,
And the "Grail Frit" tastes just fine.

Try not to complain about your room,
Or the missing dining room door,
And if you happen to see any Germans,

RIP Andrew Sachs (1930-2016)

Andrew Sachs had a long career on stage and screen but will forever be remembered as the hapless waiter Manuel in the wonderful sit-com, Fawlty Towers. The title of my tribute is a reference to the opening sequence in which the letters on the hotel's sign were often rearranged in interesting ways.

Aug 29, 2016

You were born far away in Armenia,
I came from Jackson Heights,
But though we shared no language,
Raw passion filled our nights.

I sacrificed my marriage,
My house and my career,
But these things mattered not to me.
So long as I had you near.

And even though you left me,
To seek out pastures new,
I'll treasure till my dying day,
The love I shared with ewe.

RIP Gene Wilder (1933-2016)

Gene Wilder will be remembered for so many great comic roles. However, my favourite character was the unfortunate Dr Ross in Woody Allen's "Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex". If you're not familiar with the plot, the following clip gives a taste.

Aug 26, 2016

Inhaling the scent of a tropical paradise
You run happily
Along a sun-kissed beach
With sand between your toes
And the wind in your hair.
Your nights are filled with laughter and joy
And you wonder how
You could possibly get any happier.
...If you're drinking Bacardi.

Gagging on the stench of piss and shit
You tread carefully
Over a toy-strewn floor
With Lego beneath your feet
And pulling out your hair.
Your nights are filled with argument and frustration
And you wonder if
You will ever get your life back.
...If you're raising a toddler.

Inspired by the "aspirational" Bacardi adverts which they used to show at British cinemas:


(My son is no longer a toddler. However, on some days, like today, he behaves like he still is.)
Aug 23, 2016

With hungry lips and teasing tongue,
He lets his mouth explore,
Feels the morsel harden,
And hears her beg for more.

Caveman strikes again.
Jul 1, 2016

A lovely place that can't be found,
On any British map.
Yet one I used to see with Mum,
While sitting on her lap.

RIP Gordon Murray, creator of Camberwick Green, Trumpton and Chigley. Wonderful programmes from my childhood.

May 30, 2016

Frantic on a fence-post,
It tweets without reply.
Feathers on the patio,
Reveal the reason why.

I love my cats.
However, on days like this, my feelings are mixed!
Mar 31, 2016

There'll be no more selling fork handles,
And no more "language" from Tim,
No more of those wonderful monologues,
For it's sadly goodnight from him.

RIP Ronnie Corbett (1930-2016)

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