i will just start typing. today is october 28th, a thursday, not a stupid ****** tuesday. i've found it hard in the recent past years to find inspiration. i've become quite agitated at the state of existence. i find it hard to escape the thoughts of self harm, suicide, death, dangerous situations for everybody within my site, even though i know it hardly matters. everything hardly matters. it is still true i prefer not to be seen. i am addicted to a few things, things i can't go without or else i'll seize. and i remember i had grand mal seizures as a child. and i see that maybe seizing wouldn't be such a bad thing. because maybe that would make existence not so ******* stupid. it's stupid because even if you are kind, or really make a difference in the world for the good, you will die, your memory, the things you left behind will die and rot, and even others' memories of you will be completely inconsequential. anybody could cease to exist at any moment, it's a wonder some of us are still alive. the planet will die. if this is even a planet. if there is even a universe and space. how can we trust what we have no basis of knowing except the word of a mass corporation and world government telling us there is a universe. but what is seen by you, when you look in the sky, is only stars, and the sun, and the moon, essentially. so you're trusting what some humans say is there. and that's so ******* stupid. and yet we are conditioned as humans at a young age to succumb so much that i am not surprised so many of us never question ****. some people think there is nothing after death, some people think there is heaven and hell. i find it funny because we do not ******* know ****. for all we know, there is absolutely nothing but nothing once your human body succumbs to death. consciousness ceasing. so i truly mean **** all. i really am ****. no goodness in me has ever done true good, and no harm. i seem to bring infinite light, and also infinite darkness. like a black hole. it's funny, i used to liken my first love to a black hole. because they took and TOOK from me every second we were together, my energy, my love, my naivety was ridiculous, and everything they took went into their black hole. i feel they broke me after i thought i had found love for the first time, and irreparably broke me. people love broken things, i love broken things. people loved me, without realizing i was defective to start with. i think maybe this whole time i had it in my head i was an angel because my momma called me angel, and i was naturally sweet because people are typically less likely to hurt someone that is sweet. typically. but maybe this whole time i was ****** from the beginning. because for every thing i've broken in this world, including your heart, i cannot repair. i feel responsible for breaking you when nobody feels wrong for breaking me. where is karma in all of this? why would i be abused as a newborn, child, young teen, and adult and still choose sweetness instead of malice. every mistake i've made, i know at least it wasn't malicious.. and that has to count for something. i've wondered so much lately about ending it all. or becoming what i was meant to be, brought to this earth on drugs, perhaps an overdose would be appropriate. i wonder how long it would take of ****** use for me to die. i wonder if i could be an addict for a few years, and then end this miserable existence simply by one day overdosing, intentionally or not. it's become very clear to me the darkness of my own soul. regardless of the fact that the darkness is a result of abuse and trauma, it's there. i am feeling quite dark in every sense. i've been trying to get at the fact that even if i fight darkness with the soft side of my soul, darkness will still be there. there cannot bet light without darkness. so why not succumb to it? perhaps it's best just to commit suicide because the only other option besides "healing" is addiction, in my mind. and i think biologically i was "meant" to be just like my momma. and it would feel better. i wouldn't think about this ****. and maybe i wouldn't even hate myself any more for everything i've done to hurt you. and "you" are those with hearts hurt by me and my actions. this is why suicide seems the best option, before i have time to **** anything else up. i'm not tired of self harming, and i don't feel i'll ever tire of it. i don't want to give it up. it feels so familiar and warm and deserved. and if, somehow, all my dark deeds could be undone, it still wouldn't matter, because for every person i've hurt, i have also hurt myself. irreparably. for some reason i am so fragile, despite the fact that everybody who hears even one part of by abuse would think i'm "strong". i have always felt like a "delicate cancer". and on the best days where being good, and doing good, and spreading light seems like a good idea even if none of this matters, i am still ******. my mind is tormented. and i can't stop it. and with time, it seems i only think about more and more and more things, and everything is so ******* disappointing and terribly sad, and unfair, and cruel. let's say everybody in the world only felt love, and no anger. like utopia type situation. perhaps this planet would survive, perhaps the human population could do a lot of good. but the point is that will never happen. even if HALF of the population never felt anger and only felt love, abuse and trauma would still be a factor. not just for me, but for everybody that wasn't limited to doing only good things. some people believe that "lucifer" had a good idea actually when he said that perhaps humans should NOT have a choice. they would be forced to behave a certain way, and obey certain laws. i find that interesting. some of my darkest thoughts are that a real-life annual "purge" (this is one thought i have that makes me think that it would be best if i was admitted to the psych ward and had no freedom or choice) would be massively beneficial for this world. maybe with the exemption of like genocide and nuclear warfare.. but truly, this is all inconsequential and speculative and unproductive. i've wondered if living "off-grid" would be a good solution to most of my problems. but those i love wouldn't follow me. they wouldn't choose that life. overall, i feel in the past couple of years i have deteriorated mentally. which is funny, because i've been doing what i'm "supposed" to do like seeing a psychiatrist and getting into spiritual healing and meditation, and light work the past few years. it seems the more "awake" i become, the more i hate even having the ability to think. i wish i could exist in peace, like perhaps i could be a star in the sky, or a cloud, or a mushroom or something. i guess it is true that "ignorance is bliss" i will say one positive thought. that maybe "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". thank you whoever first thought of that. because honestly, that's one of the things keeping me on this earth. not like me being alive is a good thing, but.. it makes life more bearable for me.. even though i feel i don't deserve comfort or ease . ******* away.
10-28-2021