apart from the rent that's 12 weeks overdue,
the 7 missed voice memos,
the special midweek lunches you have
that you pass perspiring paper boxes of
respectably uneaten quesadillas that
christen your laundered floors,
that i refuse out of fasting as an excuse
so as to not add up to—
what i owe you:

the music, the rawness of Vancouver Sleep Clinic
and The Psychedelic Furs at two in the morning
when i can't sleep, so you wouldn't either.

the good dreams, when you told me if only
nightmares had brakes, i wouldn't suffer another.

and you were my other,

what i owe you:

all the wrong reasons to the right ones
i never meant to say,
out of fright of out of fright of out of fright
of love,

a sober kiss good night,
half asleep a giggle and
awake on a morning that only smells like
waffles, some borrowed French cologne and you.

before sunrise treads,
make me your nest.
sculpt your universe
in my harrowed chest—
i'll allow you to.

give me a moment of silence
to recall myself before you
and why you'd came;
the science and the art
of your being,
and my ways you've changed.

before sunrise treads,
you'll be gone.
i'll embrace our fate,
but i'd refuse to rid
your porcelain skin draped over me.

with your face close
enough to defeat the rays
and it's far too late,
i know it's tiring.
let me be your home
but i'll leave you be.

I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if the love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
after you broke me
I was looking for different fingers
to place different pieces and hoping  the outcome
would be a masterpiece
Maybe one of them would find a way
to cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself
you wouldn't be the only one
that these scars marking my body wouldn't define
my worth to be loved
I am not entirely sure  
you aren't the only one who could ever touch me without slightly  flinching

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay

tequila tongues and 2AM cigarette strolls
empty, spotless bathroom stalls
you give me nothing, i give my all
"forever's just a word," written on these walls

the warmest kiss from the softest lips.
the finger tips tracing stars on my hips.
the sweetest song of my name he'd sing.
my angel boy with a severed wing.
i have mended the wing, he has risen from the fall.
now he is but only a memory i wish to never recall.