you lie there next to me
we don't speak
we both feel too dizzy
our heads are too light
despite how full they feel
and our eyes are rolling back
into our skulls, trying to read
our own minds
we can't even do that much
we are helpless and intoxicated
my head rolls, too
it always finds its way to your shoulder
no matter how strange I may feel
I never really understood why
until I looked into my heart
and saw nothing,
because my mind was preoccupied
thinking of you

these weekends are getting the better of me
beginning to take their toll on me
starting to make me question things
finishing with thoughts that leave me confused
but I found out one thing
I really like being around you

time passes by more slowly when you're not around, and I cannot fathom why
maybe it's because when I'm missing you, I spend so much time thinking about the little things
like the way your hair falls when you're sleeping next to me, and the sparks I feel when our fingers collide briefly, and it's enough to drive my head into a spin
I fall into a world where time ceases to exist, and in that world I'm surrounded by you and all the little things that make me fall deeper, and when I leave I feel sadder than I did before
because you aren't there,
and the hours in my head were minutes in real time, and it's going to be so much longer until I see you again
I count down the days and the minutes and the seconds
I count up the ways I could tell you how I feel
but the moment I see you every ounce of common sense escapes me
and I've left myself at a dead end, because I'm only your friend, and nothing more
I've allowed myself to fall into a place that I never wanted to be, and when I'm lying next to you, you don't care, but when you're lying next to me, the world seems more colourful, and I don't feel as dark, my mind feels alive but my body is paralysed by the feel of your breath on my neck

I sleep a lot more now, because being awake is harder without you around

Words that echo in the corridoors
and passageways of an empty mind,
with no company from any-body, from any-thing.
Because no bodies, and no things, can replace what is missing.
Lonely, and looking for a place to be.

Lonely, in the most unsettling sense of the word.
The type of lonely that makes your bones feel cold
and the only thing that can warm you up
is a lightning bolt through your skeletal remains
but that requires you to feel something.
And you know you can't do that, you're too numb.
Too numb - because your mind is too empty.

It's like a game that you can't win,
you've always thought this, but you dare not admit it
because this will happen. You know your mind is vacant
and that once you think it, you will always think it
because words echo inside your head, and you can't forget it
once it's been said.

do you mean to tell me, Sir, that the turn of a century
means a change in our ways?
that the start of a new millennia will successively bring
a new wave of respect for me?

don't look so ******* sour darlin', I didn't hurt you
3 hours ago, with the walk home I take everyday,
comes the abuse I must also take daily
and my inner monologue is drowning every ounce of self control I hold
but my fearful mouth is paralysed by the anxiety
or is it the fear that has been built into my body
since the day I was born, to tell me never to resist
to the cat calls, the wolf whistles, the rowdy drunken men
shouting at me, always shouting

*******, love, it was only a compliment
A compliment.
Is dehumanising me, demoralising me, and leaving me afraid
supposed to fill my heart with delight? Or the utmost fear.
You knew which you would inflict upon me. You always know.
My palms are sweaty as I walk away, I try to stay calm.
If you see me cry. You see me weak. You will try to attack.

be careful walking home if it's dark, keep something small and sharp with you
would my parents have chanted this mantra to me,
each and every day
had they conceived a boy? No.
Would my gut be plagued with pain and fright
at the thought of crossing a group of boys
in the blackness of night
if I was not a woman? No.
Do I deserve this? In a society  that

*Being a woman is frightful. Being alive in this time, is the most painful thing
I will ever have to endure.
But boys. Don't you forget.
I may be young, and slightly feeble now.
But I am a lioness.
I am growing. I am sharpening my teeth and claws.

I am ready. Do not push me too far. I am ready, to pounce and
to destroy all that has ever sought to destroy me
I am strong. I am stronger than you, and any male
that has ever tried to break me.
You are nothing but putrid boys.
I will not back down. I will not stand around
and watch you attack my sisters.
I am a woman.
And yes, you should be scared.

I want to know you and the way
your mind spins out of control almost
every day, and the way that the tides
dance in your eyes and the way your lips
hover above mine, just slightly

leaning in for that one last kiss
and for the first time
after all of this
I will know you - in the final possible moments
that I will ever have the chance to

wishful thinking of brighter skies
more love, less hate, and calmer tides
not the running water but the waves in my mind
they're crashing again, too hard
tearing apart the walls of my head
breaking it apart into something new

I am enlightened