I was thinking about you today


While I was shopping
I saw something and thought of you
And for a moment
I forgot…

I saw your face
In my head
Picturing you opening your gift
And for a moment
I forgot…

I felt you there with me
Knowing you’d be laughing
And for a moment
I forgot…

I forgot you weren’t there
That I’ll never see your face
Or hear your voice
And for a moment
I forgot…

But then the pain crashed in
And my heart broke again
That I’ll never see you again
Because your gone
And for a moment
You were here

I wonder if I don’t text you first
If I don’t call you first
If I don’t message you first
Will you keep talking to me?

I wonder if I don’t start every conversation
If I don’t make an effort
Will you still be in my life?

Being the one to always start
I wonder what would happen
If I simply chose not to be the first.

How long would it take you?
To call me,
To text me,
To find where I am?

Would you notice if
I never came back
I never called you again
I never made my presence known?

Sitting here alone
Day after day
I wonder
Would you really care if…
…
…
…
…
…
I never came back…?

I went through my pictures today
And I realized I used to be happy.
Something I haven’t been in a while.

The person I see in those photos
Is not the same person looking back through the mirror;
There’s a faint resemblance, nothing more.

I used to smile and laugh, always so joyful;
I still do, but it’s no longer genuine
No longer healthy.

People used to say my smile made their day
And all I could think was
It’s just a smile, how can it make such a difference?

I never understood what they meant
When they said the smile should be seen in the eye;
That there should be a glitter, a sparkle.

Now when I laugh, when I smile,
It’s polite, lacking reassurance
Missing the light heartened warmth

I went through my pictures today
And I realized I used to be happy.
I finally know what that glitter, that sparkle is.
.
.
.
It’s what’s missing from the mirror.