how can I search for something that has never existed like not watering a flower and yet be surprised when it's wilted I miss things I've never really had or had them so momentarily I shouldn't miss them this bad I'm just a kid lost on a path where I'm trying to look back into the past not realizing stupidly that it's already passed the worst feeling in the world is to have entrusted another life to bring you to life but in their life they left you with strife the survival instinct to keep yourself alive breaking the drowning waters with heavy strides and yet always being in the same place because although you got stronger you didn't save face see you never really healed from the things that didn't appeal to your better liking left you open and vulnerable easier for the misery striking I don't even know if I'm making sense this over powering sadness in my heart has made me lose even my mental strength left open blood seeping but it's falling dense the heaviness of never really have gotten anywhere holding my breath in suspense I always feel like I've reached the end to find out I still had years of **** to mend within myself within my heart within my mind can't tell the two apart not right now anyway they're both swaying the same way my heart it beating with the pitter patter spilling over splatter of things that have been shattered into the conscious side of the things only the heart can break open your subconscious but almost never when you're actually Conscious that's why dreamed are Blamed for the unnatural things that leave you in disdain the subconscious part hold things at rains but not now man not in this rain see the outpouring of my sadness has left me drained and it's all spilling out in the open played piece my piece on moving frames the feeling zippin past me like traffic lanes I'll never be the same the realization of what I really am came and it's done for me I'm done for leave me here on the floor I owe nothing to anyone nobody owes anything to me and in all of that it includes saving me let my die in peace man.... R.i.p

holes in my heart that will never be mended paths of dead flowers that have never been tended spots in my soul that will always be dented every word that I told you I promise I meant it and the love that we shared my soul I had let in I promised to love you all the way to the dead end not knowing exactly I would be there when death sent

breaking apart piece by piece out of me the toxins leak the emptiness only happiness seeks tears of poison what I weep praying to god to let me sleep wondering why only sadness I keep why do things always get so steep how can the blind light try and seek how can the voice I not have speak how can I yell when my powers meek this gets so deep the unbearable feelings piling up by the heap nobody to pull me out from my self doubt nobody to stop the destruction of what I consider a malfunction in the obstruction of my heart and my brain no pain receptors to feel the pain nothing to lose nothing to gain and so I sit here with disdain wondering when I joined this game all the control I had has already been slain I wonder now many times I've been chained to the magnitude in which I'm reigned into feeling just how much I've gone insane puncture me so I can finally be drained of the poison that illy flows through my veins

To explain in which extent I love you we would first have to explain how the tears of the clouds can fulfill the thirst of a plant how can the loss of something be the completion of another you empty yourself upon me and I grow from within the confinements of an un nourished soul you tell me your stories and fill up the voids within me with the sadness you've endured nourishing with life the pieces of me that I thought with sadness had already died in turn I recycle your energy and turn it into thriving life that from the ground you helped pick up like a perfect Eco system in which we rain upon each other to help each other flourish to everyone that watches it doesn't make sense but every time a bud grows within me i finally find beauty  in a world full of weeds

Not everything in life is fair ; that was hard for me to understand ; always tried to do it on my own ; never took a helping hand ; thought id be rewarded if I did it on my own ; thought id make it farther if took this walk alone ; I guess good things don't always come to those who wait ; some people have full servings I got an Empty plate ; I'm not asking for your pity just trying to tell my story ; it there's anyone that feels bad it's me who should be sorry ; sorry to myself for letting myself down ; sorry I haven't made it to where id thought I'd be around ; full of promise and determination ; everything that goes into fruition doesn't always become a creation ; it's a deflation of my patience that I've acquired with time ; the hammers beating against the walls that I carefully designed