I'm writing for the hell of it
for the sake of writing
for the sake of escape
from the begging ideas
taunting my already forsaken mind.

The brain,
or the mind?
One in the same.

One the center of my universe,
cause and effect,
motion, inertia,
creation of my entirety.

The other,
breaking me down,
with each passing thought.
My world on fire.
My spirit, my being, my reason for life.
My aching for death.

Yes,
one in the same.

Working together, to control each other.
forcing me into every god forsaken breath
that I've never wished to take.

Yet, building within me this
immense love.
Forcing me to contort my hideous face
into this god forsaken smile.

No idea what to feel.
Physically, or emotionally.

Hurts to breathe.
Hurts a lot more not to.

Hurts to love.
Hurts a lot more not to.

Simple solutions.
Love with all of my mind.
heart, body, and soul.

Live with all of my brain.
heart pumping, body moving, soul loving.

One in the same.

Everlasting Love,
confined by time restrictions.
let me linger, please.

How have I become
the woman
sitting with tear welling eyes
reading bukowski
alone at the bar
ignoring the strippers
no matter how tempting
ignoring the presence
of your smile across the room
begging to see my own
because darling
i could love you
if i could see through these tears
Or past those naked *******.

Every person
capable of love.
Yet we struggle
loving ourselves.

Made again to feel unworthy.
he tells me its no surprise.

Don't have expectations.
life is a murderous thing.

Trying so hard,
to keep my soul to myself.

Trying harder even
to convince you to share your own.

No explanations.
None needed, none deserved.

But heart wrenching guilt,
simply for being myself.

Knowing, daily, that I will Never earn
the love of a man of your caliber.

Flirting again. Your best friend.
outside, hope eludes me.

On the inside I cannot let go
of the ever crushing pain of hope.

Unanswered texts.
Wasted wishes of a wasted man.

I can still taste
last nights smokey kisses,
under the sturdy tree.

sitting on the front porch,
begging for a never ending night.

begging for more tonight.
wondering about the entirety
if still there is any reality.

assumptions,
finally proven wrong.

already promising life times,
fearless.
finally.
ready to let go.