I want to start this off by saying that I still love you
And some mornings I wake up feeling like
Everything you touch is luckier than I am
Sometimes I feel empty
Because its easier when there’s nothing there
I miss your voice
When it was kinder
And some nights I hurt so much
I swear my body is bruised from the words you said to me

You were a band-aid drenched in loneliness
And some twisted mind above
Believes that I can wring out the insanity of all this
I’m trying so hard not to regret what I once wanted
But had I known what I know now
I would have never wanted you
Hell is only getting to make love to you in my sleep
And I’ve lived in hell for weeks

I initiated our first kiss
And I’m proud of this for two reasons
One.
Because it was down by the river where my grandfather’s ashes were scattered, along with your father’s
And in a way it made me feel like they were rooting for us to be happy –
Together.
Two.
Because that moment proved that neither of us are the people we seem
In all your confidence and glory you sat there staring at your shoes
While my fragile spirit made a brave leap toward your lips

I should have known it would never work
We’d look at the same stars and see different things
I have a long list of scraped knees but you never cared to ask me where I got them
Your apathy was more solid than my self-loathing
More solid that my sincerity
I told you the stories of what sculpted my scars
Stories that had my mind beating from the memories
But you have no patience for misery
And my misery really does love company.

As if you were a long awaited guest
Holding happiness at my doorstep
I welcomed you with open arms
But you were only in town for a night
And pain is my neighbor.
I forgot that having a big heart
Meant there was more at stake to be broken
Because I was so **** elated to give it to you
I’ve learned that we bend so we don’t break
That you don’t drown by falling in the water
You drown by staying there
I’ll keep loving you until I learn to love myself
I’m trying to swallow the fact that for now
Change is the only consistent thing I’ll get
I can only accept
that you will eventually live the regret
Of pushing someone away
Who only wanted to love you
I can only hope
You’ll torture yourself
Over your ambivalence when you had me
I wanted to be the only help you ever needed
But it seems your heart’s sickness is terminal
Now I am yet another thing
You can shrug off with indifference
I wish you let me help you.

Some nights I tremble
at the images dancing in my mind
of the times you had me under your lock
twirling to your tunes
entirely enchanted by the present moment
I quickly interrupt those images -
"tomorrow is a new day"
one more day I will go without you
and be just fine
one more day you will wake up and regret
the bullets of infidelity you shot through my heart
the dagger of betrayal you repetedly pierced through my abdomen
lies
you deserve an oscar for your 8 month long performance
a dramatic horrific tragedy would be the category
but I wonder what you would disclose in your acceptance speech
regret?   loneliness?   despair?
perhaps I'll never know
my mother said "karma will have him withering and you not even a clue"
let it be true.

Dear devil please decide
What you have in store for me tonight
Your indecisiveness has me locked in a melancholic trance
The sting of heartbreak
like venom is shooting through my veins
Please decide
What you have in store for me tonight
Punish me for my love sins
Replenish my thoughts of guilt
Despite my only crime being that I loved him too much
You may even
Have the lover he left me for
Knock on my dusty front door
But please have some mercy
Please decide
What you have in store for me tonight

One hand over your heart
One hand behind your back
Sweet words of how we'd grow old together
Fingers crossed
Holding a rose for "my beloved" you'd say
Holding a knife ready to strike my foolish heart