The Dark Side Of Your Mind
She preserves her horrors in her bones
every detail carelessly engraved into her structure
every bump along the way creating a signature braille of her history
a silent story told by the curvature in her body
a girl crying on the inside
wheels of fake smiles and emotions move her
she is a mere puppet to a life she cannot control
the scars are too deep
she is too broken
she cannot tell her story
silenced by horror
her bones narrate.
These scars are my battle wounds
a reward after a long troubled battle with myself
but I won in the end
a symbolic trophy that my struggle is nowhere near over
I am left with the scars
scars where once a crimson red river flowed from them
scars healing over making dams barricading the red monster under them
to feel the sting of the blade in my hands once more
a natural high
the dams don't stand a chance against my new weapon of mass destruction
they will crumble and open at the very touch of the metal to skin
they have to
I have to feel that sensation once again
let the dams break open and the war begin.
I was your curtain
High on a rod you hung me
Protector of your inner most secrets
A barrier between you and the outside world
Shielding you from unwanted light and judgments cast your way
Hiding the storm that lay outside your window
I was your curtain
Sheltering you from reality that you might look outside
Hiding you from all things a coat of armor
I was your curtain
When I get lost I depend on you
to help me find my way but lately
I can't see because of the weight
of what I'm missing.
Will it ever cease?
For a while your love was enough;
shit, it should still be enough but
my brain’s imbalance
is fucking me over with
constant neediness of something,
like a craving for citrus or salt…
I’ll try anything to make
the need go away
and I already have.
Many work well but not for long,
others work fast but not as strong,
The best work fast and leave no trace,
but ask for more, and more,
and more until without
you just might die,
and with,
you're just getting by,
the deceptive little fuckers
will eat you up in the end,
while you chase the need
and wish you could go back
to where you didn't know
what you know now.
but would it matter?
They say to be partial to only one
is fortunate. I don’t buy it.
I try to replace the one with
combinations of 3 or 4
but shit, they will never do
for me what one did.
I won’t say what one is for me
but you know what one is for you,
and if by chance
your one is more than one
I pray God have mercy on you
because fighting one battle
is battle enough.
Have you ever considered that
to be clean means to live
every day for the rest of your life
with complete knowledge that
you will never, ever, as long as you live
feel as good as you did the first time?
I give in once in a while,
then go cold and sweat for a week.
You know you’re fucked
When the suffering is worth it.
I believe
that you believe
that you believe
that they believe
what you believe
and you believe
what he believes
and he believes
what she believes
and she believes
what they believe
so she believes
what she believes
and he believes
what she believes
and they believe
what he believes
and I can't believe I got a 113 bowling last night.
Suggests
There were 24 others
And here we land
Utopia. The Christmas number.
Built in with each other
Boxed-in:
We've multiplied.
A virus destroys a host cell
By replicating itself
So so many times over
That the Cell expands to
Maximum capacity
Then bursts.
I've been reassured that that
Won't happen
In number 25.
my body is a trash can
a dumping ground for mistakes
every day is a morning after
every day breeds saccharine aches
bruised lips and handlebar hips
a naked exposé of wrong
from tarpit lungs, through purple teeth
eerie hisses of my afflicted song
the poison flower blossoms only once
infernal fragrance of forgive-me-nots
no tide rinses the sins of night
at 1400 weeks this vessel rots
Me in my mirror, mirror
A ghoulish sight.
Awkward skulk
'A clay face'
As my nose says
'A dog snout'
As my eyes would say
Skin like a shelter
For bacterial catacombs
Rising up from under like undead
Screaming inside
I press my face into the right morph
Re-bend the crooked nose
Self-correct the bloated chin
I layer on more clay, then
Mold it again.
Re-mold some more.
Slice some off;
what am I now?
"Pretty." an ideal voice says
Goddammit,
My eyes are tired from staring
"They aren't lasers"
I tell myself
"They can't surgically correct you"
And So
goes another night.
Silence!
Do not move!
Do not speak!
Do not eat!
You fucking freaks!
You and your race,
are a disgrace,
to our nation,
to the world!!
Now get down!
On your hands and knees!
You people are sick!
Like a disease!
This is the end,
for you my friend,
now crawl into,
that goddamn room!
This may be against,
our constitution!
I don't fucking care!
This is my final solution!
Tonight, I was made aware of my lonliness,
Or my lonliness was made aware of me,
Either/Or, I'll walk like confidence cause it's all I've got everything to lose,
No one needs to know how this feels,
These words will haunt you...
Your lust will haunt you...
My absence will haunt you...
Like a ghost inside of your head,
Your vanity showed through,
You packed up and started new,
And I'm still here, teary-eyed, and wondering why,
So don't blame me because I'm fucking bitter,
And I'm demanding some answers.
Don't try to fulfill my memory,
Because you are just a memory,
Don't express your love for me,
Because it's something you'll regret,
Don't let yourself feel special,
Because you're just something I'll forget...
