shhhh (for your deep dark secrets)

Shivered together.

A three-headed monster
of knotted hair
and red,
prickled skin.

My sisters sing
with wind through
their teeth,

our flimsy bikinis
barely containing
the aching
in our chests.

For summer,

for the victory
of water

kissing our thighs
in dark,
moody winks.

what delicious fruit!
mildly overlooked in the bottom of the bin
waiting to be remembered
waiting for the moment
when hands reach out
to expertly remove
the peel

Tied down
Just like before
By the same invisible strength
That's been buried all through winter.
Heartbeat, oxygen,
Cut off.
I knew how this should go.
I should scream,
Cry,
Anything
I should run to the smallest room
And give everything I have.
I didn't.
I sat.
I screamed silently.
I hurt myself in other ways.
I ripped the bandages and left.

dry eyes and tired time
heart race but quiet mind
take this, chest unclench and
mind swims in liquid
weary rest on a bed with
warm blankets to tighten like
straps

no boundaries, really
except for the fear
of compounds and
being right when you were alone
in the dark
in the first place

I.
Her voice is in my ears. Her fucking song is on repeat on
my iPod. Those sweet words came out of her fucking lips. The ones
she kissed my man with.  The fucking whore with the pierced tongue.
Bet she gave him a boner. Bet he didn't even tell her he was with
me.

II.
I saw her on the street the other day. I've never seen her face to
face. I've seen her on Facebook, and I've seen her smirking at me in my nightmares
(of course)
but I saw her that day.
She was smoking with a friend, and she looked so beautiful and
awful, I cried in the inside.

III.
Singing is my thing. Has always been. Ask anyone who knows me.
He had to go and kiss a singer.
He had to go and kiss the girl who's now stuck in my iPod.
Stuck in my ears, in my head.
It's been months and months ago.
She's stuck in my life
forever.

IV.
Fuck, oh fuck. Why am I crying now?
Why am I typing this?
Why am I sharing this with the world?
Some innocent people are wasting their time
reading this piece of shit.
I'm sorry. I'm so
sorry.
Please tell me what I'm doing here with him

V.
He loves me.
Why didn't I leave him when it happened?
He loves me.
Why am I fucking here with him?

VI.
Just hung up with him.
He said he loved me and that he misses
me and I said I love you too.
Press. Play. Volume up.
and light another fucking cigarette.
.
.
.
Why am I still with him
...?
Rational thoughts, please fuck off?

When i lay me down to sleep of late,
i hope, i hope, i never wake.

No need to say a word,
it's morning in the country,
leave the chirping for the birds.

Lay your precious head,
against my caring arm,
be silent now instead,
let me keep you safe from harm.

Each day I get to hear you,
speaking merrily to me,
I treasure all you say and do,
that lends a tender mystery.

So, take your words and tuck them,
deep inside your caring heart,
your eyes say everything they can,
and that's a wonderful way to start.

It’s the middle of the day,
and I am drunk. Without a
drop of Alcohol, not a smell
of any Wine. The sense of
being sober completely give
in once I have him in mind.

I’ve found myself miss you a lot today.

I thought I heard the gunfire,
the deep crack on his smile, I
thought I saw it, when the
bullet took the temperature
away from him, I can feel,
my earth is crashing down.

You’re the best dream I’ve ever had.

Be not afraid of the Death, he
said, we’re born to be ruined.
They would curse you for the
leaving, but what can they do
– to kill you again after you died?
He grined, with tears in his eyes.

Contagious, contagious, contagious…

Click. Bang.
Click. Bang.
Such wishful thinking.
Such a morbid wish.
Click. Bang.
Click. Bang.
A sudden stop.
An unending drop.
Click. Bang.
Click. Bang.
But I'm a smaller speck than they.
Push.
Click.
Pull.
Thud.