"No, you're skinnier!"

My lips feel heavy,
as I watch you fill yourself
with toxic waste.

Disgust bubbles hotly,
but no judgement
will I ever speak.

After all,
I wouldn't want you
to judge me for my
cup of ice against your
plate of pasta. My dark
circles against your
rosy cheeks.

Shaking tremors
make me tap at the
table in between us.

What do you see
when you look at me?
Beauty? Or bones?

When I look at
you, all I ever see
is a life I will
never have the luxury
of living. Mouthfuls of
treasure I'll never
be able to think
of consuming.

When I play pretend,
I always pretend
to be you.

And it's always
better than I
ever think it will be.

Even when the
consequences of
being you fill
my mouth with bile
over a pure white
basin, the memories
are still worth it.

Still enough,
to get me through
another week.

Starve the negative thoughts from your mind.

Starve until you reach your goal.

Starve, starve, starve yourself until you fit the perfect mold.



Starve until you feel beautiful,

starve until you feel great.

Starve until you don’t want the food that’s missing from your plate.



Starve until you can’t hear them,

exercise until you can’t breathe.

Starve like your prison cell of a mind

is what will set you free.



Starve to get rid of all imperfections:

every dimple, every roll.


All you ever do is starve.

But wasting away can never make you whole.

I wish I could stare down every girl,
and tell her that she is beautiful.
Tell her how she matters,
simply because she is here and she is alive.

I wish I could take away all her insecurity.
Because I've been there, through the darkness.
I've seen the pain, and hunger, and shame.
I would tell her that no matter how hard she tries,
no matter how much she starves herself,
the demons, they won't go away.

Because demons, they have a funny way of hiding.
Right there, inside that darkness.
No amount of purging will set them free.
No amount of blood shed will leak them out.
Demons hide in the darkness because there,
there they have power.

I wish I could shine a light,
for every girl who's ever struggled.
Because I know how hard it is to shine that light for yourself.
I would tell her that her demons, no matter how big,
are only shadows.
And shadows are always conquered by light.

I wish I could make girls see their beauty.
The beauty the world claims they don't have.
The beauty that demons,
brought on by magazine and commercial ads,
try to bury and hide.

I would tell them, every single girl,
that they are here, and they matter,
not because they are beautiful.
But that they are beautiful,
because they are here, and they matter.

It never stops hurting.
That hole he left.
Everyone says it takes time..
..that I’ll feel better eventually.
But I won’t.

It never stops hurting.
That ache in my chest.
There’s a feeling like so much was left unsaid.
But in reality, it still would have happened.
He stopped loving me.

How do you move on?
From the person you can’t, or don’t want to, live without.
How do you move on?
When all you want to do is go back in time.

It never stops hurting.
Don’t believe the well-meant lies.
There won’t be another special someone.
Not when all you see in others,
Are reflections of him

It never stops hurting.
And he’s in everything you see.
He’s in every thought, every memory, every song.
You want to feel whole,
but you never will.

How do you move on?
When all you want is his kiss again.
How do you move on?
When you can still imagine his ring on your finger.

It never stops hurting.
When you lose your other half.
And eventually you decide to just wait.
Hope he comes back.
Because you’re that pathetic.

It never stops hurting.
No matter how many pills you pop.
No matter how many calories you drop.
No matter how many scars you carve.
It never stops hurting.

So why bother trying to get better,
when it never stops?

Deep, dark and numb inside
My broken thoughts fall like pieces of shattered glass
Crashing at my feet with the rest of my world
Scarring up my skin as they drop
Forever marking me as something obscene

                                                                              Locked away pain,
                                                                            Makes the best smile.
                                                                         I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                           Leave you untouched.


While shaky fingers stitch me together
Pills make pain fade like magic potions
A wonderful shade of grey settles in my brain
The best I can hope for, all things considered.

                                                                           You’re really trying,
                                                                              I guess I will too.
                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                         Leave you untouched.

Tempting old habits make my skin itch
Pleading the best kind of medicine
The pain that will send me high out of grey
But under watchful eyes it’s pointless to dream

                                                                     You’re sounding so happy,
                                                                        How can I not be too?
                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                        Leave you untouched.

My rolling stomach won’t stop yelling
My racing thoughts won’t slow down
I could use a dose of you more than ever
But instead I’ll swallow hard and try to sleep

                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                       I’ll leave you untouched.
                                                                       Safe from my madness.
                                                                       Safe from my hang ups.

Searching for beauty
she stumbles in
darkness.

Convinced the mirrors
on the wall will
talk.

Telling the world
her ugly secrets.
Telling the world of
her inescapable flaws.

Searching for happiness
she clutches at
porcelain.

Loving the purge
in such a sickening
way.

Her insides roll with
aching triumph. Her
lips form a smile on her
vomit smeared face.

Searching for peace
she carves out
her skin.

Silencing the voices
that drive her to
this.

Rubies fall from her
open wounds. Lips quivering
at the thought of it all
stopping to soon.

Searching for perfection
she puts on her
face.

Paints her lips
red and straightens
her mane.

Sweaty palms smooth
her barely there outfit.
It's time to test all her
self-injury effort.

My bathroom is an ode to pink.
An arsenal of blushing bottles--

fine-print ingredients--

ready to wash
the maiden
back into my skin.

A razor sings up my legs,
quivering at the knobs
of my knees
as a tear of shaving cream
falls to my foot.

Let me languish in newfound
milky perfection
and I will emerge from the bathroom

smooth

sculpted

and smelling of roses.

my therapist once said
repressed feelings are like poison control warnings
if it isn't supposed to be kept down
it'll hurt even more when it comes up
but my mouth can't seem to stop
bringing the bad things back up
every day this girl in my head tells me
i'm too weak to stomach them

fifteen years--not young--
because i'd never felt so old
sitting on the bathroom floor in high heels
begging this sickness to pass
am i foolish enough to hit the nerve where it counts
i wonder
and i do

an addiction to life is
a delicate joy that
seeps through everything
i've found no joy but
my insides are seeping
through everything
every organ is attached
to a feeling
and a feeling is attached
to a raw nerve ending
i don't know about life
i've mostly seen the insides of bathroom stalls
and the oily glean of plates scraped clean
you don't need an abusive boyfriend
to misunderstand independence
i have an addiction to the stuff life is made of

i have never been able to find a job
outside of food services
can't remember what it was like before
the buzz of overhead lights
and the smell of stale dishes
tell me would you
put a cutter in a room full of razors?
this is what i do to survive
poison control labels never
applied to me
the coming back up part was supposed to hurt
but it hurt so good
this is what i do for a living

some nights i fill the bath and drain it
before i have a chance to get clean
because all my willpower was exhausted
in preparing it
i am too weak to wash this off
i have tried
cradled in the births of the bath tub
i have tried to scrub this clean
so many times
i have left the lights off
and turned away from the mirror
praying i wouldn't see her
reflected in my scowling lips
bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
and when i turn to look at my reflection
i still see the vicious wells she dug
deep in my irises
the villages of her labors
red marks and bruises
speckling the map of my tender skin

the day i let bloody mary in
she went to work
polishing the secretive plans
for her kingdom
and from her tower in my mind
she smirks at me
stomping out bruises and torn fingernails
trying to destroy me
she watches me take
lit cigarettes to the cracks in the stone
trying to blaze up through the blood boards
and chuckles at the way
i flinch every time i lay a weapon
to the ache
because now
i am doing her job for her

when we sit in the silence
that comes after violence
she squeezes my cheeks
pinching my tongue
and daring me to speak her name
bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
i want to give up on this
thing called recovery
bloody mary
why can't i accept my own uselessness
bloody mary
you got me good this time
how do i get out of this
my head

her voice is sharp
it cracks watches' glass casings
because with her my time stands still
i lost sight of progress
graffitis notches on my brain
presses my fingers to my face
too hard
it hurts

but
i am mystified as to how
i have any comparison
of which to attribute this shame
i've never known the curve
of anyone else's stomach
when i rummage through boxes of memories
they are only ever what i see
i'm the only one inside of me
i don't know what the world feels like
outside of this anatomy
but i'm not the only person whose ever felt
like a host for the frenzy picking at their scar tissue
we assume that when we wake up
we'll spend the rest of our lives
whispering i miss you
my hands shake with the weight
of the maggots in my foundation
but i swear i won't let you
break me
this time
i'm going to grow out of
the little girl who needs protecting
i am still whole without you

i cannot be a lifeless effigy
because there's only one version of me