Middle of the Night Memories

I'm awake.

But I would rather be in bed.

Wrapped in blankets,
                  restlessly dancing,
                  to the symphony
                  of your breathing.

"I want to push you so far away
that the look in your eyes
no longer causes me to question
your love
         and yet
I want to hold you
            to me
tightly,
fiercely,
until we are both somehow lost
in the way that you make me feel."
                                                             ­  she says to me.

firm fingertips tracing the curve of my stomach.
soft lips kissing the swell of my hips.

(I say nothing.)

Shut your fucking mouth

And help me super-glue 
this flap of skin back to my face
Lock the door.

(Microchips & Grind-gears coo
Behind that rubbery facade
An Android god
A Hissing machinery zoo in there
Clamping hydraulics; what a scare)

Hurry!
No one can see this -
It's not even bloody for Pete's sake

It doesn't get better 
There was nothing wrong 
To begin with.
I am perfect, remember?
Wink wink
But really,
How long until this glue dries?

no novocaine, no experience
the nurse on break
tells me to "wait right there."
the big lights above the pleather chair
my pale skin illuminated and glowing
under rays of white white light -
and I'm tied down like a
banded submissive
to a blacker than black chair

it's only me and invisible monsters
in a game of
cat mouse tick tock
tick tock

sweating, I realize I must move
there's no other option for this lab rat
I feel like
All I've ever been, is here -
sprawled out in the open
hand choked of blood and oxygen

I cannot take this
   I cannot take this!

Something in my mind turns off
Something in my mind turns on

I chew the soft parts away easiest
it slides in my mouth
my teeth are cold and wet now
Chattering and lurching sounds
come from my mouth & teeth
as the splinters of bone
crackle away in my bite.
It took either a minute or a day
But it was over.

And so,
I left it there
tied to that black chair.

I opened the glass-paneled door with an exit 'bing',
and I was happy I never met the Doctor.

I'm sure you are happy
you always were
you always will be

I'm sure you are better than me
in the arms of warm company

I'm sure behind that big smile
seemingly always plastered on your face...
you are exactly as happy as you made that out to appear

I'm sure I am miserable
I always was
I always will be

I'm sure I'm as numb as you told me you were
lonelier than the person claiming that's a word
more lonely than 1.
I'm sure.

you won...you got your way...
you got a way,
(uh)*

I lose
but what if I had won?

This can't be true
He is just a writer.

I will look for you in the faces of those I pass by forever

Moments pass when I can't disguise it, even
If I try to shake those tears out of my head, I know
Soon I will break, if I can't push it back
Someday, hopefully I will be stronger

Your were gone before I even got to know you,
Out of my life you were ripped
Uselessness of memories, that only serve to remind me of what I no longer have

the moon sits, on the branches of the tree
outside the window of my door
the wind whistles it's normally unheard tune
this is the time for it's solo
the fridge hums and floors creek
and there's a rattle from the lone car thundering by,
at 3am.
my mind races, while other are at rest
a pen in my hand, rather than a pillow under my head
really late turns into really early
my words are now silent, scribbles on paper
every feeling I've ever felt plays like a movie reel in my head,
at 3am.
my never dying love for you is loudest and
your faults are perfections
my once strong will is non-existent, just like
all the fucked up things you've ever done, so
I let myself miss you, and it feels even darker
than the blackest of moonless nights,
at 3am.
If I close my eyes, I can see your face
I smell you in each breath
let my tears drop to the page
don't even try to push it away
while my mind turns to liquid and pours out the tip of my pen,
at 3am.

this poem has been a long time in the making,
it's not easy like stating, how the sky is blue,
or the grass is green
it's more like how I feel so BIG,
but never seen,
how I loathe that girl in the mirror, and her taunting, nasty screams
she is evil
as she pokes her sides, laughs at the that belly you try desperately to hide
calls you chunky, just look at those thighs
girl in the mirror, so full of self hate
your mind is too powerful a thing to waste
on thoughts insecure and shallow
solely existing to inflict doubt and force you to keep pace
with those matchstick, anorexic figures
always shoved in your face
when it comes to beauty, when did less become more?
when did real, wholesome girls get traded for the whore?
when did your self worth become something you could pay for?
when did being beautiful become dependent on if you shopped at 'that' store?
they used to say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder
and I've noticed as I've gotten older
that you cannot quantify beauty based on what we see
'cause this world will look a little different to you
then it does to me, and there's no cookie cutter
labeled "beautiful girl", no molded shape to uphold
so big, tall, slender, small, dressed in rags so fine, or dressed to the nines
you're all gold
so long as you're sold
on the fact that you are beautiful!

some people write birthday cards
but there is no mail delivered where you are
so a poem to wish you the best on this special day
no matter if you are near or far

Happy birthday to my big brother
this day of yours is like no other
for this is the day the world was blessed with your grace
though you were taken too soon from this place
another year passes as we miss you more and more
and will write you birthday poems, till you answer heavens door
where we'll meet with balloons and your million dollar smile
and we'll have a birthday party like we haven't had in a while
we'll toast our glasses to our reunited family
while we recant times passed cannily
but till that time comes brother dear
know that I hold your memory ever so near
along with every cleverly placed dime
that I know you've dropped just for me to find
so in closing, all I wanted to say
was I miss you so much, and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!