ly
aching
for the sound of
your voice
and the words
that will assure me
I am no longer
alone.
You make me hurt inside.
This kind of hurt that steals my breath and upsets my stomach.
This hurt is so big that I often wonder how it fits inside my body. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much, because it’s too much, because it’s tearing out of my guts.
I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you hate I hate you hate hate hate hate hate hate.
I want to not know you, I want to forget you, I want to never hear of or even think of your existence again as long as I breathe.
It comes in massive explosions, this hurt.
A landmine in my body, it goes off when you touch my thoughts.
Twisting, searing, high-pitched hurt.
I want to be left alone.
Please please please please please please
Just leave me alone.
I've fucked,
My friends make love
What about me
Attracts boys
Who only fuck?
I've never made love.
Is it just bad luck?
What about me
Attracts boys
Who don't love?
I just want to have
A natural relationship
Not a business deal,
Where I'd use my body,
To buy love that isn't quite real.
Just someone care.
Just someone see.
I am not just a piece of meat.
I need warm arms around me,
And words so sweet.
Where are you
Boy,
Who can stand loving me?
Even though we no longer speak
Your expectations are what I try to meet.
I hope you like my long hair,
Even though I want it cut.
I sometimes see you stare.
I want to kiss you but,
The bad times were too many.
The consequences could be
Deadly.
Oh my boy,
I miss you.
I miss you smirking at me.
Shit, I miss you looking at me,
And not looking sad.
I miss when you would play mad,
Just to see my pouty face,
When you would kiss me with force,
Just to put me in my place.
Oh my boy,
I miss you.
And your
Smirking,
Sweet
face.
The French call an orgasm
"the little death"
looking at you,
(trace the curve of my neck
with your lips)
I would like to suggest-
(close your eyes and search
for the secrets of my body
with your tongue)
that is to say:
(put your hand in mine
don't let go.)
Darling,
let's die a little
tonight.
my mind is weary that
it has painted every blushing cheek
that I have ever kissed
every pair of lips
I may have dreamt them up
but with each heavy thought
I sink deeper in my flesh
and I'm deep with you
we need a new head rush
a vacation for a daze or two
we'll lay sand at the bedside
and find that each morning's an ocean
and the tide will tell us
how the future doesn't exist
maybe my brain will grow fonder
of what my heart likes
I don't know what is is
that you want her to say,
but
I want to be the one to say it;
so loudly that you can't help but hear.
You will remember the way
that you needed these words
with such wild desperation,
(And how I am the one
who said them first,
and meant them the most.)
every time that you are tempted to
look through me.
(And I will be reminded of the
way your eyes light up when you laugh
and the oceans I would,
needlessly,
cross to see you smile
despite my inability to swim.)
I am frozen to my core,
shocked,
and amazed at the turbulence
that surrounds me
and controls my fate.
(My future is no longer my own,
it changes with the whimsy of the waves.)
I cannot control my limbs,
I lash out,
but I am lost
unable to find myself in the dark;
still shaking,
even after I've opened my eyes
I can feel the water
filling my lungs,
dragging me down.
I am terrified.
Yet,
I want to drown
in you.
Darling:
Here is the shirt
that you left in my car
the day that we spent
dancing through puddles
&
stealing kisses
in the rain.
I've washed it.
So there is no trace
of the vodka I spilled
when I
laid in your lap
& told you I loved you.
You laughed then.
(Are you laughing now?)
Forever yours,
They say you hurt
The ones you love
The most.
I wonder how true
That must be.
I can't even bear to think
Of hurting you.
Yet you give out hurt
Like its a hobby.
With all the pain
You've put me through
You must love me
More than I could ever
Love you.
