it is ALL a game of LIFE

being awake hurts.
                                  If i could stay asleep life would be peaceful.
each day causes new pain.
                                                I dont remember what happy actually feels like.
i am so alone.
                          Yet im surrounded by so many people.
its always a game.
                                  Happiness is found and then crushed in moments.
life is cold.
                      I just want to be held and feel safe.
being awake hurts.
                                   let me stay asleep.

ive seen depression,
many times.
felt the knife,
watched my loves hold
it their hands.
told myself never to feel that way.
not supposed to see loves that way,
not supposed to see sweet boy that way.

felt depression.
felt the hurt in my hands.
truth:
not not want life,
just can't feel now.

being isn't helping.
it's an ache that ebbs and flows,
and now that you're gone,
it throbs and holds.

Silence and dirty looks
That's all we seem to be now
It used to not be like this
But it got like this somehow
We went form being best friends
To you barely looking my way
What did I do to deserve this?
Was it something I did or said?
Is there any way to resolve this?
So I don't lose my best friend…
Could we put aside our differences
So this friendship doesn't end?
Because you see this is really hurting me
I can't stand to be treated this way
It happened in the past
Where a "friend" stopped giving me the time of day
I wish that you would talk to me
So we could work whatever this is out
But instead you're just ignoring me
And constantly shutting me out
Hopefully we'll resolve this
And maybe be friends again
And maybe one day I'll be able to
Once again say that you're my best friend.

I wake up, half past two,
late again, but dreamt of you.
Of all the things I wouldn't do?
Dream of you, a tortured tale.

Save past weeks you're new to me,
a shiny thing in endless sea,
but once too many have I believed,
then broken, lost, bereaved.

In my head you died, you see.
You couldn't have, he cheated she!
But yes, I know, it is, believe.
I didn't try, defaulted fail.

Soon won't pass
but in my head,
a thousand words
were never said,
an empty tale,
a soreful fail,
a broken, heartless, coward.

How cute we were,
Elementary.
How innocent we were,
No worries.

Seeing you for the first time
In about a decade.
Your familiar smile,
Your dimples didn't fade.

Childhood friend,
I remember you.
My childhood friend,
Remembers me too.

I am so glad for familiar smiles
And dimples that never fade.

I hate myself

I hate my fat arms
I hate my top teeth
I hate my forehead
And I hate how the top of my thighs have that bulge on them.
I hate my shoulders
I hate my toes
And I hate my sausage fingers.
I HATE MY BACK, MY STOMACH, AND RIBS.
I hate how my torso isn't symmetrical
How the fat is different on each side.
I hate my butt.
I hate my always irritated scalp.
I hate that I can't lose weight
I hate that I don't have the money for braces
I hate that I am the ugly friend.
The one who never has a boyfriend, but everyone else does.
I hate being lonely
I hate being fucked up
I hate being a mediocre student
And an average talent.
I hate my voice

I hate myself.
I hate it.

I feel the love before the fate

Most steps I pretend to take

I danced around in the moves I faked

My shoes tripped up by invisible lace

I failed to wake after I fell to my fate

I learned nothing from the lines I traced

These are the connections I've made.

I’m ready to break open like a glass shattered into a million pieces
I don’t know how much more I can take before the pressure will make me crack
I feel their eyes on me, watching my every move
I know that they want me to make a mistake, they need it, they thrive on it
But I can’t do that, I have to keep pushing forward
I can’t let the pressure get to me, not yet
I can’t let them see what they are doing; if I do then they will win
I can’t let them win, THEY WILL NEVER WIN

my mind is weary that
it has painted every blushing cheek
that I have ever kissed
every pair of lips
I may have dreamt them up
but with each heavy thought
I sink deeper in my flesh
and I'm deep with you
we need a new head rush
a vacation for a daze or two
we'll lay sand at the bedside
and find that each morning's an ocean
and the tide will tell us
how the future doesn't exist
maybe my brain will grow fonder
of what my heart likes