Confusion

The screaming in my head
It's getting louder
What is happening to me
I just wish I could sleep
Just to be free
But I keep running
I've got to find you again
For that feeling you catalyze in me
Like wet flowers
Like hot blood
Breathe.

In sleep,
I dream of angels.
I beg them,
Deliver me from ruin.
The timeless, omniscient eyes look through me,
And the voice of reverence says,
"No."

Your eyes are looking at me.
It's shivering exhilaration.
The pin is pulled from my heart.
Detonate.
I drop to my knees and look down.
I lay my hands over the wound.
My palms come away filled with rose petals.
A hideous pool blooms around me.
I am filling with snowy exhaustion.
I can hardly see you through the blizzard.
You shut your eyes.

I am sick with longing.
You laugh and I
Drop to my knees.

Pictures of your face are bright as the sun.

I can feel the Earth spinning under me.
And I feel the vomit rise.

I gasp.

I let my head fall into my palms,
Inhale
It's agony to be alive while you are.
Exhale

I have words I want to share with you,
things I want to say-
But I don't know if you're there still,
or if you've gone away.
How long might my thoughts drift before
they reach your shore?
Are they strong enough to be exposed
to rough tide and sudden storm?
If you find them will you treasure them-
handle them with care?
Will you understand how hard it was for me
to send them there?

Sometimes I wish I lost my ability to speak
So I could stop saying anything
Without the stress of filling silence
and trying to impress, to entertain.
I fantasize about this everyday
Miss Social Butterfly flying away.
The talkative girl without a thing to say.
No more judgment. No more tears.
I could just smile and nod
to whatever you say.
No opinions. No arguments.
No longer worrying about
filling the awkward pauses others leave,
ridding the quiet of the late evening.
Being me, instead of pretending.
Instead of always talking without saying anything.
I talk and talk
and don't mean a thing I say at all.
I work to be the person
everyone wants me to be.
Outspoken and Independent
all the while wishing someone would stick up for me (speak for me)
instead of working to stand up for everybody.
Peaceful Muteness. Still and Stopped.
If I only didn't have a voice
to take for granted
and abuse
by speaking things without thought or meaning
then maybe, I would be happy
in speechlessness
just blending into the backward
and disappearing
going against my nature
and vanishing into the
background shaking of heads
and becoming only a facial expression.
in the distance.

Along we walked,

at night we talked

until the sun rose from her bed.



At times we fought,

at times we sought

a shoulder to rest our head.



Leaving, my heart sank,

leaving with pain I still thank

the time I had with you.



Now, so far away,

I wait for the day

when I get to relax with my crew.

I'd heard horror stories in the playground, seen embarrassment and tears.
Shared in secrets that were passed around like candy.

Not for me-
All the messing about and the working 'it' out. I didn't want Bad Sex by misadventure.

Like you said.

I waited- not as long as the good girls, but much longer than my mates-

You were worth it.

I was a bundle of nerve endings and inexperience- but it was perfect, you were brilliant.
Just the thought of you sends shivers down my spine.

My best kept secret.

I wonder about you, at times. About your life, what you do, if you're happy or feeling blue-

Your children- would I know them in the street? I guess now they're all grown up.

Just like me.

they tell us that we're men
they tell us that we've crossed the pubic border
out of boyhood.

they tell us that we're men
when few of us actually are

but our manhood is defined by science

they lie

they tell us that we're men.
they tell us that we're past emotions.

they reduce us to fleshy contraptions
made for work and sex

they tell us harassment and stupidity
will get us mates.

and they set us up for failure

and you know what's really odd?

they tell us to lead the family.
as a man.

I tried God.
I tried power.
I tried poetry.
I tried love.
(I believe that one scarred me.)
I tried music.
I tried fitness.
(It only proved to me
my desperation.)

It
all
made
me
worse.