Every now and then we'd meet in his old dirty room which he no longer inhabited. We shared something we chose never to label for there wasn't any word to describe the things we did and the things we said. We became nocturnal, we found peace within the night and each other. Everything about him was so familiar; he was my home away from home. I found safety in his humour and the way he would sing out of the blue and play the tune within his fingers. The building which holds all of what we've done is to be demolished and nothing will be the same once it's gone. It was one of a kind... just like us.
5:07 am: a man on a bike was riding exceptionally fast along a dead street. I smiled to myself. Where had he been? where was he going? was he leaving someone? or was he returning? The beauty in the moment is that i'll never know.
The way your body moves is fluent against the music playing. I am in awe at how you make the passion running through you seem so effortless. I could only dream of being able to really move and feel everything the music wants me to feel. But i have two left feet and spaghetti arms, so i'll be over here and you'll be extraordinary.
I drove by the place i used to spend hours roaming hoping to find you. Its been forever since we've been there at the same time. Somewhere along the way things changed for me and i can't bring myself to go back to that place and feel hurt over it. I think i only miss you now and then because i haven't found anyone else. You were in my dreams the other night, in a totally cliche kind of way, and even in my head you leave me dizzy and nauseous (in the best kind of way). But to be honest i don't think i could face you in real life, i'd be too embarrassed after what I've done. Though i never saw you when i wanted to anyhow, so i guess i still won't now. Overall, i miss you completely and i don't miss you at all.
It's your birthday today. It's another point in time that I won't share with you. Even after trying, I feel as if I can't even be a part of the friends that wish you a happy birthday on your fucking facebook wall. Most of the time now I don't even think about you or I see you as something to look back on fondly. Yet I'll see a photo of you and remember exactly why I fell for you and I remember the feeling of breathlessness. I'm always stuck convincing myself that I can't do this to myself again, so I forget. I forget to think of your eyes when I look at the stars. I forget to think of your smile when I feel the summer night car breeze blow through my hair. I forget to see your body when I look at the crashing ocean waves before me. I forget to see the ink on your skin when the sun sets over the mountains turning the sky orange. I forget about you… until I remember.
The feeling of knowing that you will never be more awake or alive in yourself in this moment. That you can say to yourself, "I am enough, I can be enough, I will always be enough" and believe it with your entire body. That you can stand alone on an empty beach after a thunderstorm and know that at any other moment you'd be wishing that you'd have someone to share it with. But in the time where the air is crisp and the waves are so gentle they seem as if they're caressing the sand it washes upon, you know that all you really need is yourself. Your own soul. Your own peace. Your own love.
The feeling of knowing that you will never be more adventure-filled and spontaneous in yourself in this moment. That you will say to yourself, "why do I have to be so fucking lonely" and feel it in the pit of stomach, in the ache of your heart and in the rambles of your head. But when the horizon is pink over the water it makes the not knowing seems less scary, like maybe you're never really meant to know - even if you think you do. The world is yours and you are the worlds.