this restless beast
i need to tame
gnawing at my stomach
setting fires to my cerebral
chewing at my throat
begging for attention
this restless beast
always rejects obedience
howling for affection
like a ******* mongrel
if it's voice becomes a whimper
can it be feminine again
i want my makeup to wash off
as more than war paint
i want to feel beautiful
without seeking validation
i want to shake
this restless beast
ruining my relationships
entertaining wicked thoughts
wrecking my sleep schedule
stepping on my neck
i never asked to own
this worn out excuse for a companion
but if it doesn't get lost soon
i'll ******* **** it

i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm a writer
no one's muse
admiring from afar
hugging walls like close friends
more familiar with the architecture
of disappointing myself
than laughing with others

i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm a work in progress
withheld on a canvas
half-finished strokes
vibrant in places that matter
dull smudges in spaces
unsure where to go next
traffic jams in my cerebral
creator and destroyer

i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm an artist
expressing myself in ways
that others can't quite comprehend
but speak volumes of my soul
through more than
[words]
phrases things pronouns
breathing is painful
without creating
[controlling]
emotion
becoming vulnerable
in a comfort zone
people don't understand
[me]
stepping outside of my art
is painful and draining

i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm ******* tired

there is a disconnect
in the ways we choose
to embrace one another
simple acts turn to favors
debts become ultimatums
promises loosen their tie
full undressed lies
love is nothing more
than pity on the emptiness
our souls post for rent
always looking
constantly searching
never finding quite
what we're looking for
never knowing what
to look for to begin with
simply put
we have a longing for more
than what society
has wired us to do
and a small belief
that unconditional love
isn't an oxymoron

discomfort in fulfilling our hopes
hesitance in facing our fears
where do we draw the line
between living and being alive
if our actions speak louder than our words
how do we measure sound
in the face of death
why do we let her down
in knowing that we never settled
bets with our hearts
gambling our existence away
basing our worth in cards
dealt by someone else
concrete in our stubborn ways
when do we realize
changing habits has no price
yet the highest cost
but we still refuse to pay
for debts we acquire
and complain about the weather
until our bodies collapse

moths fly into fire
without knowledge of death
only guided by instinct
they must have light
no matter the cost

people betray trust
without being given a reason
only guided by instinct
they must keep making bad choices
no matter the cost

spiders weave webs
without thought of placement
only guided by instinct
they must create a home
no matter the cost

lovers lie to each other
without thinking twice
only guided by instinct
they must keep stability
no matter the cost

hornets sting people
without a purpose
only guided by instinct
they must hurt
no matter the cost

parents abuse children
without understanding repercussions
only guided by instinct
they must control something
no matter the cost

snakes eat rodents
without fearful consciences
only guided by instinct
they must eat
no matter the cost

alcoholics drink recklessly
without responsibility for themselves
only guided by instinct
they must be drunk
no matter the cost

the differences between
animals and people
aren't as abstract
as we would like to believe
they are

if our lives could reshape  
i would choose to fight than crawl
heroes don't need a cape
however some days i feel small
wearing armor as a shawl
thinking he will never know
anticipating to fall
where rivers never flow

you can't make a bandage with tape
heavy emotions might stall
comparing a scar to a scrape
burdens will be there to haul
pack lightly if you bring back all
what you can't manage you'll owe
seeking more comfort and less mal
where rivers never flow

endlessly longing to escape
my writing becomes a scrawl
yearning for a new landscape
ignoring your late night call
feeling like a strung out puppet doll
our love could never grow
through a UV lit concrete hall
where rivers never flow

wicked storms begin to sprawl
shady groves and forest below
searching for a waterfall
where rivers never flow

tomorrow is my mother's birthday
and i can't remember the last time
we spoke about much more
than what i'm doing for a living
or how the weather has been
or when i'm quitting smoking
or collecting tattoos on body
or getting a real job
so it doesn't seem appropriate to call
and wish her a happy birthday
when i haven't been in her life
as she hasn't in mine
her contact name has been
KATHLEEN
ever since i was eighteen
our distance isn't anything new
but it feels heavier this time around
that weight is getting harder to carry
life is getting so weird
and i hate to disappoint her
but i have been disappointing myself
for far too long
living in the shadows of those
claiming to be
wiser
smarter
luckier
successful
stability is not a desk job
finding myself does not include
her telling me to sit down
i refuse to stay still
honesty is not easy
living is not easy
happiness is not easy
love is not easy
i can't continue
being torn apart
by her judgment
overstepping boundaries
letting her break my heart
is not a good birthday gift
so maybe i'll call her
but i probably won't