i can feel my hear beat
for you
drugs have gotten the best of me

laying in bed with you
is as lonely as my nights alone

its borderline
if not pathetic
how many times i pick up the phone

they say 'no answer is an answer'

but it isn't fair
your're so emotionless
so maybe
i'm not that hard to miss

there's a line in a song
that says
"broken hearts are made for two"
and it kinda reminded me of
me and you

i wonder if you
remember things
as vividly as i do

funny that it's always been
all about you from the start
i would've never responded
if I knew **** would get
this far gone
so far gone

cause i remember lying on your chest
listening to the rhythm of your heart,
but you'd never notice that – 

and that's what will always set us
apart

how is it possible
that loneliness
follows me
the car can be full
and my soul so empty
i wish i could look past
things that are bigger than me
when people care less
when people can't see

contrary to social media based relief
this loneliness is something
that's always been in me

A kiss goodbye at the door,
Streetlights on,
I’ve never been anyone’s

But

I am trying not to think of
How much I want you to see the world
The way you look ahead as you
Get deeper in conversation

I don’t want to remember the
Laughs in between
Or that one time you told me
You didn’t want to mislead me

I don’t want to think about
How I am listening to The Smiths
And writing this

I try to not get lost in thought
But we both know I do

I want to believe not wanting me
Has more to do with you

I don’t want to remember
How easily comfortable I got
Every time in your front seat

I don’t want to know,
More than anyone,
How bad you are for me
And how much goodness I
Choose to see in you

I hate texting my best friend
And telling her “I know, I know, I’m stupid”
Hate this battle only I’m fighting

The one where I force myself
To where you’re standing
Where I tell myself
I’m standing with you
Even though it means
I want to stand with you longer
Than you’d like

I want more than anything
To not notice how you don’t
Touch me after getting off of me

I want more than anything
To prove I can do the same

I can’t bear the thought
Of this cycle repeating itself
But you say the words
And I’m there

Letting go probably isn’t as hard
As people make it out to be
It’s not like you’d grab on to my hand
To keep me

I don’t wanna think about
How it’s my fault we’re here
Because I’m the one who reached out
Because I’m the one who let you
Kiss me on the mouth

I want to share the same joint
But not get high off you anymore
I want it both ways
I want it to be me this works out more for

Want it to be you who thinks of me,
To be the reason you get deep in thought
But we both know I’m not
And I know you won’t

I want to believe not wanting me
Has more to do with you
But we both know I don’t

last night your kisses
made the moon brighter
we'd smoked before
but inhaling you
made me higher.

i went back to my empty apartment
dreamed of you real sweet

but i know better
than to text you
and wish you the
most decent day

i wanna believe in the concept
"ask and it is given"
but i know better
than to expect you to stay

I saw departure first hand,
The ideas of love and staying
Slip out of my mother's
Soft and able hands.

Time and again,
I've worn my heart on my sleeve,
To only be reminded that
I can't trust men,
That I only got me.

Cynicism has found a
Home in my head,
Been denied entry in my heart,
Despite being realistic and cynical,
Every heart break and let down is
So ******* hard.

I be on to the next one,
Word to Jay-z,
Convincing myself and others
To not be mad at me,
Even though it's been known,
I'm worth more than some
Meaningless fun.

If only there was a handbook - a guide -
For people who choose to believe and then
Kick themselves down for mistaking words
For actions,
And being naive.

If only there were a handbook - a guide -
For people like me.
Who choose to believe,
And can't find the balance between that
And being naive.

Life.
a compilation of -
circumstance,
action, feelings
and understanding.

What if this is all so temporal,
that the mere idea of,
losing sleep
over something, beyond control,
translates into,
A fear toward lost time?

My grandmother always told me to not forget
To pray
When I lie down for the night,
And when I awake.

"Thank him," she says,
But what if I need to plead,
Like God, please point,
Please lead.

Lately my chest has been
Heavy, hurting
As if something's knocking and breaking in -
Maybe my anxiety trying to find a permanent home

How do you shut a door that flung itself open
Without your approval?
How do you properly thank God
When your words are no longer found easily out in the open?

"When you wake up, don't forget to thank Him," she'd say
And I'll never know
If it was my instinct to knock the conversation down
Or the desire within me when I'd nod my head sure
Knowing **** well that my first thoughts in the morning
Are always enveloped in being anxious and unsure.