There is probably so much wrong with me
Which is why I feel with my life filled with as much ambiguity
As I make it out to be
I will never know if you have seen nor found the real me.

So with all of my sincerity
With all the hopes of breaking these walls gently
You will have come to find
Something that I have never thought of to be kind

You’ll have never guessed
Why storms have meshed
On insides when outsides tell a story of calmness and bliss
But there’s possibilities that miss
The gravity behind
Widened smiles and loud laughters intertwined
With sleepless nights and teary faces
You’ll have never guessed that I am one of these cases

You’ll have always noted how my confidence is blinding
When in reality it is actually hiding
All that attempts to seep
Through these guarded walls for my emotions run deep
And the short time that was spent
Left a remarkable dent
One that I fear
Keeps that day near
The day when you see a girl crumbling
For love continuously keeps her fumbling.

You’ll have found a girl
Who has always feared the world
Leaving her alone
For every person she notes as a home
Has abandoned her in some sort of way
She feels her existence is unneeded some days
Which is why her feet have always been pierced with glass
And some days that glue cannot hold up her shattered mask

Yet you’ll find her pretending
And hear her apologizing
For all the things she has ever done
Even if she is not the cause of a single one
Even if you ask about her past
She will never tell you about the nights her mask did not last
She will never tell you how loud her thoughts get
The ones that have always kept
Her from knowing how much she is loved
And needed

So I ask you this
Dearest future boyfriend of mine
If you ever reach this deep end in due time
I beg you not to keep promises you do not intend to keep
That if you are going to swim this deep
Prepare to be very sweet to a girl trying to find her happiness in this world
Or prepare to add on what she’s always feared

And do not make an excuse
For there is no use
Of hiding intentions behind
For the truth is what I always find.

She had wavy locks
The kind that twirled around when she stood at docks
When the coastal wind fell in love with running in between the hair lines.
And everyone will always note her beautiful brown skin
But even those descriptive words could never sink in
Because she was the type of girl
That no other writer could dream about in their worlds.

Her dark brown eyes had always shied away from other’s looks.
Pierced and wandered when all the other glances took
A look at her attempting to flee
To the imagination she’s always dreamt about in the early morning passed three.

You see,
There once was a boy with ocean eyes and golden tip hair
With spots plotted all over his skin
Who made her feel like the flowered one underneath the sun
Because surely her heart was won.
But she never noticed the gun
That continuously took aims at the teared down fortress
For surely she believed that there was hope for the heatless
And no matter how many bullets hit the mark
She was too afraid of being in the dark.

You see
The idea of her was as simple as it can be
Smiles and laughs
Kindness that forever lasts  
She was the kind that got people to open up and shine
But there always came a time
Where they leave her far, far, behind
The ideal her starts ripping away
And there always came the day
When it stopped becoming her outer shield
And when her insides became harder to deal
There always came a time when the real one revealed.

And they’ve always foretold
The truest one breaking free from the hold
But they never tell you
Who’s going to be there to see the real one coming through.
And stories always hide the sadness with glee
Because no one ever knew that the spotted skin boy flee’d.

So she was left on docks
Wondering why her wavy locks
Had not received the coastal winds love for her hair lines.
Wondered why her skin
Was missing light rays the sun once gave in
Because even though people would write
How she must stay strong and be the light
That her love has to come from within
And not from what could sink in

But no one ever told her
How lovely it was to be nurtured
By the words that went passed her ideal
And comforted what has always been real.

I’m not one for writing about things that are useful
Things that can shape the world
Things that can help someone get on by.

I’m not one for writing about things that are relevant
Because whenever I write
You seem to have that presence.
That kind of presence that tends to etch itself on to the letters written
That kind of presence that tends to draw itself on to paper whenever given
And I hate it.

Hate it because your existence is all I’ll ever think about
Whether I’m busy attending to my own needs
Alone with too many words screaming in my head
Or anywhere in between
Hate it because you are the only one that seems to make it right
That seems to quell the angriest of storms
That seems to bring out the sun when the clouds hide it away
That seems to continuously extend even when I’ve given up reaching
Hate it because I never loved the idea of love

You’d think with all the love poems I’ve written
About how lovely it would be to wake up to your horizon
About how lovely it would be to walk upon sandy material with sea breeze all around
About how lovely it would be with our fingers intertwined
Because we both know yours fits right in between mine
About how lovely it would be with just you and me
That I would somehow love being in love
That my heart grows fonder with every moment spent

But I don’t
Its reckless
Its Foolish
For even the wisest of people grew without a heart.
Because they knew in order to live without pain
They would wish the bonds untwine
For they do not want a “yours” and “mine”

Yet somehow in the midst of being a cold-hearted *****
You found a way to stay and not ditch.
I’m too afraid to admit how deeply in love I am
Because I’m too afraid of losing something I had no idea I had
So please,
Let me let you know,
That I’m not one to write about things that can throw a life line
About things that can get you to say “You’re mine.”
About things that can be of relevance at this time
I’m more about writing about how much of a useless romantic I’ve come to find

Kind of like counting the stars in the sky
Its ridiculous to count the moments spent
To count the days gone by
Because to be honest its all been mushed together
Like pieces of the events slowly woven in

And to be honest,
I wouldn’t have spent it any better
Than to be with you

But let me take ti slowly
Back-track
Because when we first met,
I couldn’t have imagined it like this

Now
Let me be perfectly honest when I say
That I did not expect things to turn out this way
Because here I am lil miss haven’t been with anyone since god knows when
And here you are mistry white clouds with golden sun rays shining through
Mister deep sea blue eyes so easy to take a dip in
Mister piece of art museums everywhere are missin’
Walking imperfectly along black pavements and gray roads

You see it was an impossibility for me to be with you
What with how darkness easily encompasses me
What with how words are easily slippin out of your lips
What with how words are easily ****** into my minds dark abyss
And to be honest trying to capture the words into moments spent have been nothing but troublesome due to how much is entangled by thoughts like
"wow I can’t believe this is happening"

So just like counting the number of lights that paint the sky
Its kinda ridiculous coming up with 21 good reasons why today is pretty amazin’
Because there aren’t any letters that can string along together
To describe the amount of possible reasons why I find today quite so special
Because
To be frank its been 35 days, 840 hours, 50400 minutes with seconds still counting
Because to  be practically accurate its been 141 days, 3384 hours. and 203040 minutes with seconds continuously running
And no matter the moments passing
It still feels as though our infinities are intertwining
Decreasing the time that continues spinnin’

I can’t give you any good reasons just as the universe can’t place any more lights up there
But for a perfect one
I guess I can compose
That without you here
There wouldn’t be a rope for me to hold
Now I’m not saying that without you here
I can’t find a way to make my own happiness appear
I’m not saying you’re this bright light that shines through the grey crowds
Allowing me this way to surface from the deepest of seas
I’m saying that because you’ve been living in my mind rent free since day one
All of which that kept me drowning and entangled by chains that are not my own
Has loosened up and given me this ability to be free
And a better place to be
Because the perfectly composed reason why this is becoming an amazing year
Is because you are here, my dear

Now I hope all of your wishes come true
Cause all I’m asking from you
Is for more days to spend together
Completing the impossibly ridiculous task fo counting the stars in the sky
With just you
And I

The sky
with all of its calamity still shows its rage
Just like I

There's a storm brewing somewhere out there
While I stay stuck here
Unable to move.

I just kinda want to disconnect myself from the world
Without telling a single person
and maybe just maybe prove myself wrong.

I’m worried about the bridges I’ll have to burn later.
So thinking about the well being of someone else
Makes those bridges seem farther and farther away